Review: Star Wars Episode II, Attack of the Clones

Lucas hasn't exactly redeemed himself this time around, but he has wiped out most of the worst of The Phantom Menace from my memory. Clones starts off slow, and it takes half the movie to really start get going. But the final hour finally feels like Star Wars again. Read on for my full review- I'll try not to lone gunman the thing, but you've been warned.

So confession time, I still don't think Phantom Menace was that bad. If you mentally filter out every sequence that Jar Jar is on the scene, and maybe the midochlorians, and trim that Pod Race scene down, there's a good movie in there. Not great. Just not sucksville. So I went into Clones hoping that Lucas had learned his lesson, and he mostly has.

Much of the cast from Menace is back. Unfortunately none of the major actors manage to pull of a standout performance. Anakin is little improved from menace. I know he's supposed to be full of anger and angst, but mostly he just comes off as constipated and bitchy. Amidala seems to be taking a bit of a nap. Their romantic scenes together are the Jar Jar binks scenes of this movie: It just pauses the action, and the acting is so bad that the movie stalls until something interesting happened.

The rest of the cast is much better. Ewan McGregor has finally grabbed onto the role of Obi Wan. He's a bit preachy, but it works. Samuel L Jackson is the badass Jedi we want him to be. Senator Palpatine is pretty much the same guy as last time around. And Dooku, the flick's major bad guy is pretty excellent too. Its nice having villians with faces since they actually get to act a bit. The Fett family felt a little forced, but it was interesting.

Most notable this time around is the CGI characters. Episode I of course had Jar Jar, Watto, and many other CG chars, but Menace is literally crammed full of them. And the technology and animators have improved substantially since the last showing. No longer do they stick out like sore thumbs- now they merely stick out like a thumb with a little bit of a sliver. Yoda is of course the most important of the CG chars- everyone probably remembers the horrible animation on his one CG scene in Menance, but in Clones he is CG all the way. This is a huge deal since unlike most of the CG chars we've seen so far, this one works almost perfectly. There are a couple of shots where it doesn't seem quite right... but those are the exception, and not the rule.

What I'm saying is that CG characters have finally come into their own. In Menace, all I could think about is the fact that they were CG. The fact that they didn't looke quite right. This time around they are just part of the show. Another cast member delivering mediocre dialog. Ironically enough, several of the CG chars outshine their human counterparts.

The movie as a whole looks great. Many of the costumes look a lot more like Star Wars. From the clone army, to Amidala wearing a white costume for the last act, things just look like I would expect them to. We get to see some sets familiar from A New Hope as well as Menace, and that all really contributes to making the movie feel like a Star Wars flick. It also helps that the CG has continued to improve.

I'd also like to note that I didn't get to see it on the digital screen. I plan on seeing it digital in the next week or 2... I figured I'd see it at the local theater and make sure it didn't suck before I bothered driving to Southfield to see it in full digital splendor.

The rest of the review will focus a little more on plot. You've been warned. The story is of course largely a love story. There has been a threat on Amidala's life, and her old friends Anakin and Obi-Wan have been assigned by the Jedi Council to protect her. Investigating the asassination attempt leads Obi-Wan to a far away planet where he discovered a clone army being constructed, and a conspiracy to suppress information about it. Anakin and Amidala spend time together and get closer through a series of awkward pseudo romantic scenes where they both look like they would rather have been in different movies. Their utter lack of chemistry is almost amusing.

Obi-Wan gets into some smack, and so Anakin and Amidala go to rescue him, only to end up compounding the level of smack around for the good guys. Meanwhile the Senate does its thing and a major shift in power occurs. We learn who is responsible for the clone army, and what the plan for it is.

The last hour of Clones is the Payoff. A battle worthy of the original trilogy. I'm not going to go into it becuase that might spoil it, but let make the following points. First, we finally have enough light saber action. The massive jedi fight that we all knew these prequels could offer us. And my god was it ever worth the wait. But we also have Mace Windu kicking ass, and at long last, Yoda gets his chance to prove why he is so highly regarded.

The parallels to other movies in the SW Series, especially Empire Strikes Back are many. I'm avoiding mentioning them here, but I will say that the film tries to end on a dark note which is cool.

The packed theater that I saw this really seemed to feel the same way as me. A few awkward laughs during the romance scenes- even snickers during the sound-of-music picnic sequence. But when the final battles came around there were cheers around.

And that really sums it up. It took 3.5 hours of prequel film to get us to the payoff. For some it might not have been worth the wait... but for me, I'm just happy to finally to see most of what was promised delievered. And I'm reinvigorated towards Star Wars. If Episode III can pick up where II left off, III should finally be the Star Wars Prequel that we've been waiting for.

Jar Jar and Yoda

[glrotate]

I thought the worst part was the kiss between Jar Jar and Yoda. I just about hurled.

Re:Jar Jar and Yoda

[rizawbone]

I thought the worst part was the kiss between Jar Jar and Yoda. I just about hurled.

If you saw it in the digital theater, they included the 'digital projection' only extended version.

What a tounge on that Jar-Jar. Natalie, look out.

Spoiler Alert!

[Mike Schiraldi]

I'll try not to lone gunman the thing, but you've been warned.

Had ChrisD written the article, he would have just come right out and made the headline, "Luke's dad, a.k.a. Darth Vader, kills the Emperor, then some Ewoks dance around"

Not to mention

[zrk]

The whole dance routine with MJ singing "Annie are you OK" (aka Smooth Sith Lord").

I almost wretched right there in the theater!

WARNING - HUGE SPOILER

[Dr Kool, PhD]

Boba Fett's father is...YODA!! Yup it's true, Boba's real name is "Yoda Fett", but to keep his lineage a secret he changed his first name slightly to "Boba". That's why he always has that mask on! Short green dudes with hair growing out their ears never get the hot chicks.

Trainspotting II: AOTJ

[Zen Mastuh]

Obi-Wan gets into some smack

Is this Trainspotting II: Attack of the Junkies?

Anakin Loses A Hand

[Anonymous Coward]

It's springtime, and once again we have a bombastic space opera from George Lucas [crimelibrary.com] to fritter away our hard-earned money on. Last year's offering from Skywalker Ranch [roadsideamerica.com] had many diehard fans leaving the theater a bit disappointed, so while the hype may be a bit less than it was in 2001, the underlying tension is much greater. Among those who place value judgments on this sort of thing, the second of the first trilogy is considered the best of the three. Will Attack of the Clones be the same? Is the magic numeral II installment the one that will be full of depth, subtlety, and complex character development?

Probably not, but we're going to take you through the movie anyway. Grab a bucket of popcorn and prepare yourself for the movie review of Star Wars: Episode II - The Attack of the Clones.

So the movie starts off with the requisite main score while the oddly skewed yellow text brings us up to speed on the goings-on in the galaxy. Something about unrest in the Senate, a separatist movement led by a "Count Dookie", Amidala [natalieportman.com] being a Senator herself, yada yada yada. The main message is that the forced-perspective text looked lame as fuck in 1977, and seems downright abysmal 25 years later. One would think that with all the billions Lucas has made on the previous films he could afford a decent title sequence.

True to a movie made for kids and dysfunctional adults, we then jump right into the action. Senator Amidala [natalieportman.com] is getting off her liqui-chrome spaceship on Coruscant when... kaboom! ...she blows up. Omigod, is she dead?!? Of course not, it was her stand in (you remember her from Episode I, right?). This scene provides a great opportunity for Natalie Portman [natalieportman.com] to get all weepy over her dead assistant and show us that Amidala [natalieportman.com] even cares for the little people. What an angel.

After that we see Yoda, Samuel "Mace Windu" Jackson and some freaky looking alien Jedi talking to Darth Sidious. Er, um, I mean Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, who of course is in no way connected to Mr. Sidious. I mean, he's obviously a good guy, right? Yeah, sure. If you paid any attention to Episodes IV-VI you already know who he is. Also, those subtle facial expressions and tones of voice suggesting devious intentions sure do lend an air of, shall we say, insidiousness, to him.

So do the Master Jedi Knights pick up on Palpatine's two-faced treachery? No. The eight year-old kids at the theater see it plain as day, but to the leaders of the Jedi Council, people who have undergone the most stringent of training for detecting such duplicity, people who have freakin' powers of mind control and are sitting right across the desk from this guy, to them Palpatine seems A-OK.

Anyway, the whole point of this scene is to set up Obi-Wan "Ewen McGregor looks goofy in a beard" Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker as Amidala [natalieportman.com]'s bodyguards since it seems like somebody is trying to kill her. Of course it is Palpatine who suggests this. My goodness, what sort of deviltry is he up to? We also briefly see Jar-Jar Binks stroll by in the background. No lines for him in this scene, though.

Prior to Amidala [natalieportman.com] getting hooked up with her Jedi, we get to meet the two of them alone in an elevator. Anakin is now a moody teen and his pining for Natalie Portman [natalieportman.com]'s firm buttox is quite apparent. When the elevator door opens they are greeted by Jar-Jar and... he speaks! Nothing like a little racist, neo-Jamaican patois to tickle the funny bone.

Once the whole gang is reunited all the complex character development gets dumped, wholesale, in about 45 seconds of screen time. Obi-Wan is the wise yet caring teacher, Anakin is straining under the throes of pubescent hormonal lust and good old rebellion, while Amidala [natalieportman.com] is distant yet maternal in her care for Anakin. Jar-Jar appears to be little more than house nigger.

The next scenes begin to suggest why Lucas chose Attack of the Clones as title for this movie. All of the visual imagery was stolen from other people's films. The super-dense high rise cityscape, complete with moody nighttime lighting through half-open blinds, is equal parts Blade Runner and The Fifth Elephant to such an obvious degree that it is painful. We get to zoom about this impossibly crowded aerial metropolis at high speeds in a futuristic flying car chase. It's all Luc Besson at this point, including people falling from building to vehicle. You could swap Hayden Christensen (Anakin) with Bruce Willis at any point and the transition would be seamless (admittedly, replacing McGregor with Milla Jovovich might be noticed).

During this chase Anakin and Obi-Wan banter amusingly and offer flip one-liners. It almost works, but not quite. After the necessary crash to end the pursuit we swing fully into Ridley Scott's corner with teeming ground-level streets and a seedy bar full of oddly dressed people.

There's some sort of plot development going on through all this, but it's not very important. What is important is that this movie tries very hard to drop little nuggets of joy for the aging Star Wars fan base. The first one occurs outside the aforementioned bar when a bounty hunter who looks an awful lot like the Boba Fett of Episodes IV-VI kills somebody and then zooms off with his nifty jet pack. It is at this point where the first real signs of plot strain begin to show.

Now for some reason Obi-Wan is going to a mysteriously undocumented planet to investigate whatever the hell it is that we're supposed to care about, while Anakin stays behind to give the screenwriter a convenient opportunity to have Amidala [natalieportman.com] reciprocate Anakin's puppy love.

The mystery planet is actually a sterile looking clone factory run by tall, lizard necked folks. Hard to say which movie set is being cloned, since the sterile, white, space-based science facility has been done so many times before. It's probably safe to credit Kubrick with being the biggest victim of theft here. All the clones themselves look vaguely ethnic. Additionally, they are apparently the precursor to Stormtroopers. Basically, at the factory they quickly breed a bunch of brown-skinned people who are literally identical looking, dress them up in white armor, and now they represent a huge, sinister force. What exactly is George Lucas trying to say here?

The lizard-necked scientists are a bit daft and don't realize they are revealing details to the wrong person when they tell Obi-Wan that the clones were ordered 10 years ago by a supposedly long-dead Jedi. They are also oblivious to the error of revealing the presence of a bounty hunter and his cloned "son", named Jango and Boba Fett, respectively, at the station. People in technical professions like genetics and computer science are often socially and politically clueless that way, resulting in atrocities like nuclear weapons and peer-to-peer file sharing.

Jango and Obi-Wan have a tense little meeting where more plot details of some sort are revealed, including the fact that all the clones look just like Jango himself, and then they get into a fight. Neither one of them dies though, so they chase after each other in space ships instead.

Back in the world of sappy love stories, things are progressing quite slowly. Anakin is still behaving like the sort of teen you'd send to military school as punishment. This brings to mind another apparent failing of Jedi University. If they're so great at molding super-competent Jedi, how come they can't raise a teenager who isn't a whiny little brat?

Amidala [natalieportman.com] stays cold and distant to the advances of "Ani", and it's hard to see how they're going to end up getting busy and squirting out two kids. Then, they kiss. Yes, that abruptly. First she couldn't care less, then she's probing for tonsils. Whatever caused her change of heart apparently got left on the editing room floor.

George Lucas seems to be awfully fond of himself, so eventually he starts cloning his own movies. First Anakin has a dream about his mother being in pain, so he disobeys his orders and goes off to help her (Luke, 1:2). Amidala [natalieportman.com] tags along.

Of course helping Mom means dropping another joy nugget for the fans, so it's back to Tatooine yet again. We reminisce with Watto a bit, and then head out to an awfully familiar looking house. Yup, it's the same one where future whiny little Jedi wannabe Luke grows up, and we get to meet the aunt and uncle who will be so trivial in later movies. The plot strains become more noticeable.

But hey, what's the point of time spent on Tatooine of you don't get to see some Tusken Raiders? Seems they've kidnapped Anakin's mother, Shmi, so we get to bust a hang with a whole bunch of them. Hell, even the Jawas pop up for a cameo. Nothing like rehashing old ground when you can't come up with a decent plot device.

Oh yeah, Anakin's Mom dies in his arms just as he rescues her (how convenient), and then he goes bezerk and slaughters all the Tusken Raiders. Apparently this is bad. Even Yoda gets some negative Force vibes from it, and he's way on the other side of the galaxy.

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan's story line isn't doing much better. Lacking anything more exciting to do in a space chase, they fly into an asteroid field. They even venture into an asteroid tunnel. To be fair though, the absolute coolest part of the whole movie happens in this scene. See, Jango Fett has these bomb thingies, and he's hurling them at Obi-Wan's ship. Whenever one of them hits an asteroid and detonates everything goes dead silent for a half second and then a wonderfully flanged and modulated kwaaang! rings out while a pale blue shock wave radiates through space. Hearing that sound is almost worth the price of admission.

Somehow Obi-Wan ends up on a droid factory planet pursuing Jango and Boba and he gets caught by the dread Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus/Saruman the White/Christopher Lee. Count Doofus tells him about some plot involving the Senate and the separatists that is entirely too confusing for this sort of movie. In short, he asks Obi-Wan to join him, and Obi essentially tells him to go fuck himself. Count Doodu responds to the snubbing by amassing a huge army of orcs, er, droids, and leaving Obi-Wan trapped in a tower until he is rescued by a giant owl.

Over on Tatooine, Amidala [natalieportman.com] is revealing herself to be quite the mischievous little minx, and she talks Anakin into going to save Obi-Wan. They arrive at the factory and proceed to battle their way through the exact same sorts of choppy, bashing mechanical bits that so flummoxed Sigourney Weaver in Galaxy Quest. R2-D2 has no problems with them though because he has jet packs. I don't recall him having jet packs before. I imagine they would have been very useful if he had managed to hang onto them for his later adventures.

I wish I could say C3PO did as well as R2, but his head gets lopped off and installed on one of those battle droids, while a battle droid's head gets stuck onto 3PO's ungainly frame. I don't want to ruin the movie, but I must tell you that much hilarity ensues from this manufacturing gaffe. But this movie isn't about droids, it's about clones, so let's get back to those.

The next clone returns us to Ridley Scott territory. Anakin and Amidala [natalieportman.com] get captured, and are joined with Obi-Wan in a gladiator arena (yes, a gladiator arena) where they are forced to fight animals and robots to the death. It is at this point where Natalie Portman [natalieportman.com]'s midriff begins to receive significant screen time.

Things go well at first, then our protagonists get into trouble as the robots multiply. All seems lost until Samuel Jackson's bald head strides in, accompanied by a whole bunch of other Jedi. Jedi and robot go at it in great numbers and there's lots of glowing phalluses being wielded about and much carnage. Jango Fett flies on into the fray only to get beheaded by Mace Windu. His young clone Boba seems to find this upsetting, and presumably he'll be holding a grudge for some time over this.

Things go well (again) until our protagonists get into trouble (again) as the robots multiply (again). The next turn in the battle occurs when Yoda comes strafing into the arena with several ships loaded with clones and utters his most absurdly spoken line ever: "Around the survivors a perimeter create!" It made me want to beat Frank Oz to death with a copy of Labyrinth.

As the arena battle winds down and everybody leaves to chase the fleeing Count Dooker we see Boba Fett cradling his progenitor's severed head. Somebody should get the kid some counseling or he's going to have some real issues later on.

After a rolling battle across the plains of... whatever planet they're on ...Doochu gets cornered by Anakin and Obi-Wan. As anybody who's ever seen one of the other Star Wars movies can tell you, it's light saber time.

Anakin attacks. Anakin gets tossed in the corner like a sack of dirty laundry. Obi-wan attacks. Obi-Wan gets beaten down like a filthy Scottish actor. Anakin attacks again, this time in the dark and with two glowing phalluses! He looks a lot like one of those irritating Rave kids waving glowsticks about, but he must've forgotten to take his vitamin E because he gets his hand chopped right off. Yes, his hand. The right one. Just like his future son. Oh, the anachronistic irony! This is profound stuff.

Our protagonists are once again in trouble and all seems lost (again) until... ninja Yoda!

He comes hobbling in on his cane looking a bit feeble, but oh is he pissed. After a short hand gesturing bit of "My Schwartz if bigger than yours" they get down to the wand waving. But Yoda doesn't grab his saber. Nosirree, he telekenesifies it from his belt to his wrinkled green paw. Yoda is one bad mother fucker.

He flips, he spins, he darts through the air like a mosquito on crack. If you watch Iron Monkey on fast forward it still won't come close to the acrobatics of this little gremlin. However, he doesn't win. He's forced to chose between killing Count Doosey and saving the other two Jedi from a falling pillar, and he lets the Count go. Despite his ninja skills, Yoda is a humanitarian at the core. The next shot shows the Count flying away in a ship powered by some sort of solar sail (the "hard science" geeks are going to love that bit).

As the movie draws to a close we see Anakin flexing his new prosthetic hand, just like Luke does in Episode V. It might be chilling if it weren't so contrived. When a screenwriter/director has a decade and a half to come up with a prequel you would expect him to conclude with something a little less obvious. But, that's what you get when you focus on joy nuggets of nostalgia for a pathetic group of emotionally underdeveloped adults.

Re:Jar Jar and Yoda

[Xaoswolf]

I thought the worst part was the kiss between Jar Jar and Yoda. I just about hurled.

I really hope that's a joke.
Of course, clones are kinda like twins, aren't they...
"Queen Amidala, meet, Queen Amidala" then start with the bad music...

Re:Here's your review

[kilroy_hau]

CORUSCANT -- Presiding over a memorial service commemorating the victims of the attack on the Death Star, the Emperor declared that while recent victories over the Rebel Alliance were "encouraging, the War on Terror is not over yet."

"We will continue to fight these terrorists, and the rogue governments who harbor them, until the universe is safe, once and for all, and the security of the Neo-New Cosmik Order ensured."

It was one year ago today that the Death Star, perhaps the greatest symbol of the Empire's might, was destroyed in an attack by fanatic Rebels, who used small, single-person crafts to infiltrate seemingly impenetrable defenses. Thousands of mourners were on hand to remember and pay tribute to the victims and their families.

"We lost our innocence that day," reflected one mourner. "I guess we thought we were immune from the kind of violence that happens in other galaxies. We were wrong."

"I lost hundreds of buddies that day," said one teary-eyed Stormtrooper. "Guys whose only crime was trying make the Universe a safer place."

Although the day was colored by sadness, the mourners found some relief in the news of a decisive victory over the Rebels.

In an attack led by Darth Vader, Empire forces were able to rout hundreds of Rebels from a network of caves underneath the surface of the planet Hoth. "We're not sure we got them all," says a Vader spokesman. "There are a lot of places to hide in those caves. But we've delivered powerful blow to the terrorist's infrastructure, that's for sure. Today, the Empire has struck back."

Initial reports are unclear as to the fate of Luke Skywalker, a hero among the Rebels, who is rumored to have delivered the fatal blow to the Death Star. Skywalker, a former desert-dweller from the planet Tattooine, became a part of the Rebellion after family members were killed. Skywalker was trained by a militant wing of the Rebels, known as "Jedi Knights." Fanatical in their religious beliefs, the Jedi Knights claim to derive their power from the mystical "Force."

It's believed that Skywalker was specifically trained by infamous terrorist O bin Wankanobi. Wankanobi, occasionally called "Ben" and easily recognized by his bearded visage and long, flowing robes, achieved near-martyr status among the Rebels after his death last year during a spy mission. His more fervent followers believe that Wankanobi lives on within them today, some even claiming to hear his voice during times of duress.

The attack on the Death Star came shortly after the Empire's destruction of Alderstaan, a planet whose government was known to harbor terrorists. Responding to criticism over the total annihilation of the planet, Vader stated, "There is no middle ground in the War on Terror. Those who harbor terrorists are terrorists themselves. Alderaan was issued ample warning. The fight for continuing Freedom is often burdened by terrible cost."

The cost of this war can still be seen today in the continuing efforts to build a coalition government on Tattooine. Longstanding animosities among the planets various ethnic groups, including the Jawas, Tusken Raiders and scattered human settlers, have been an impediment to the peace process. The Empire continues to maintain a small peace keeping force until a provisional government is finally in place.

Much of the difficulty in fighting the Rebel forces stems from their lack of a central organizing structure. "They don't play by the traditional rules of war," complained one spokesman. "They come in all shapes and sizes, united only by their single-minded desire to destroy the Empire before it destroys them."

The Emperor closed his comments today by stating that "the cowardly attack on the Death Star left a deep scar on the Empire. However, we will not stop fighting until every last evildoer has been brought to justice." He paused for several moments, wiping away a tear and then added with determination, "We will never forget."

"I wish we could all just get along," said one of the mourners. "But it's hard to offer an olive branch to a cult of religious fanatics whose main tool is violence and who insist on calling us the Dark Side."

Australia

[dingo]

I just got home from watching it and I must say it really is quite good. One problem that Ihad though is that a lot of the minor characters ("uncle" owen, his father, amidalas security chief etc) are Australian tv actors, and it is a bit distracting. amidalas security chief specifically has been in an Australian childrens program called Play School so i kept imagining him singing the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round....
otherwise,great

Lines you won't hear Mace say...

[bahtama]

I found this and thought I might pass it on, especially considering your comment on Mace.

It is called "the TOP 10 Things [netscrap.com] We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's Character 'Jedi Master Mace Windu' Say in the Star Wars Prequels."

An example is, "Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad MotherF***er.'" :)

Re:Worst. Episode. 2. Ever!

[matthewd]

R2's rocket boosters were out of warranty by the time of the original trilogy, that's why you don't see him flying around. Seriously.

The Microsoft Way...

[Anonymous Coward]

If Episode III can pick up where II left off, III should finally be the Star Wars Prequel that we've been waiting for.

Version three is always the good one...

Re:Worst. Episode. 2. Ever!

[Zoshnell]

R2 Did fly, remember? Right outta that monsters mouth. Like an R2 on... crack or something.

Same problem in Star Trek: TNG

[Soulfader]

We had the same problem with Geordi LaForge (LeVar Burton) from Reading Rainbow. =)

Why the stormtroopers suck in OT... (spoilers)

[matthewd]

I haven't seen it mentioned anywhere yet, but did anyone notice how ATOC reveals why the Stormtroopers just plain sucked in ANH?

The clones were of Jango Fett, and the Kaminoans were keeping him around while this whole cloning project was going on. So apparently they needed fresh material from him to keep making clones.

After ATOC, they no longer have Jango Fett to clone, they started making clones of one of the clones. And you know how if you make a copy of a copy, it's not as sharp as the original....

See the movie Multiplicity to get a better idea of why the Stormtroopers are the way they are....

Re:Spoiler...? Jar Jar dooms us all!

[bje2]

I thought that exactly!!!! as soon as Palpatine made the comment in the chambers that they could've counted on Padame if she was there, and then they zoomed in on Jar-jar...i was like, no, Jar-Jar don't do it...

i could see it coming, then he was just so smug with himself when he got the senate to go along with it...it's his fault...he gave palpatine full power...first he ruined Ep I, now the galaxy...

The next episode

[marhar]

Coming soon... Attack of the Amateur Movie Critics!

I would have liked to be at Skywalker Ranch

[cnkeller]

Scene: The revamped digital cutting room.

Cue: ringing phone

"Hello? Yes. Are you sure? Yes sir."

% rm -f /data/episodeii/ohDearGod/insync*.mov

The reviews from rest of world seem more upbeat, check out the force dot net [theforce.net]. I'll see it tomorrow, thanks to the girlfriend for picking up seats for the DLP viewing. Go digital.

lone gunman, vt

[R. Paul McCarty]

lone gunman \'lon 'gun-mun\ vt 1: To spoil the ending of a film, television show or story by including details, which were meant to be a surprise by the writers, in a slashdot story title. 2: To make yourself look foolish by posting a story on slashdot which was poorly thought out, has more then 12 mispelled words, or mentions the DCMA.

Translation from Italian back into English

[scubacuda]

Lucas is not repurchased exactly this time around, but it has eliminated the greater part of defective of the ghost threat from my memory. Clona begins slow and takes the half of movie really in order to begin to obtain andante. But the final hour finally thinks still like the wars of the star. Picked over for my complete review I will try not to gunman only the thing, but you have been you perceive yourself.

Therefore time of confession, still not task that the ghost threat has been that Badly. If leaked mentally outside every sequence that the vase of the vase is on the scene and perhaps on the midochlorians and on the frame that scene of the race of the pod down, is a good movie in here. Not large. As soon as not sucksville. Therefore I have entered in clono the hope that Lucas had learned its lesson and mainly it has.

Great part of the jet from the threat is behind. Unfortunately no of the main actors control to shooting of the performances of standout. Anakin little is improved from the threat. I know that it is supposed of being full of anger and angst, but mainly is detached hardly like constipated and bitchy. Amidala seems to be to take a little a hair. Their romantiche scenes are with the scenes of the binks of the vase of the vase of this movie: It just pauses the action and to behave itself are therefore defective that the movie is arrested until to something interesting happened.

The rest of the jet is the much better one. Ewan McGregor finally has seized on the role of Obi WAN. Is a po' preachy, but it works. Samuel L Jackson is badass the Jedi that we wish it to be. Senator Palpatine is the much graceful same type of the last time around. And Dooku, main the defective type of the flick is enough excellent also. Relative the pleasant one having villians with the faces since really obtains to behave one heads. The family of Fett has thought little forced, but it was interesting.

The greater part of the notable this time around is the characters of the cgi. The had vase of the episode vase naturally, Watto and many other carbons of CG, but the threat crammed literally in full load of they. And the technology and the entertainers are to improve substantially from the last rappresentazione. More they do not attack outside as the inches irritate hour to you that only attack outside like an inch with one small tip of a tape. Yoda is naturally the more important of the CG probably carbonates all is remembered of the animation horrible on its scene of a CG in Menance, but within the clona all the sense is CG. That is an enormous transaction since dissimilar more of the carbons that of CG we have seen up to now, this works nearly perfectly. There are lle braces of the blows in which it does not seem enough of right... but those are the exception and not of the rule.

That what is the saying is that the CG characters finally have entered in their own ones. In the threat, all that I could think approximately it is the fact that was CG. The fact that not looke enough to right. This time around is just part of the exposure. An other mediocre dialogue of transport of the member of the jet. Enough ironicamente, vary of the CG carbonate the outshine human theirs controparti.

The movie in the entirety seems large. Many of the customs are similar the wars of the star very more. From the army of the clone, to Amidala that door a custom white man for the last action, the things observes hardly as I would preview to Otteniamo to see some to them insiemi expert from one new hope therefore like the threat and that all really it contributes to make the tact of movie like a flick of wars of the star. Moreover it helps that the CG has continued to improve.

Moreover I would want to notice that I have not obtained to see it on the digital screen them. Plan on digital seeing it them in the following week or the 2... I have calculated I would see that to the local theatre and to make sure it it has not sucked before that you took care to me to guide to Southfield in order to see it in splendor digital full them.

The rest of the review will put little to fire more on the diagram. You have been av

Re:Trainspotting II: AOTJ

[jayhawk88]

Choose Life. Choose a Master. Choose a Lightsaber. Choose a Clone Army. Choose a fucking big holo-projector, choose sonic showers, land-speeders, and electrical R2-D2 openers. Choose good health, low midichlorians, and blaster insurance. Choose fixed interest moisture farm repayments. Choose a starter smuggling ship. Choose your Jedi. Choose robes and matching sandals. Choose a three-piece body armor on hire purchase in a range of fucking alloys. Choose sitting on that Bantha-hide chair and watching mind-numbing, chain choaking slave girls, stuffing fucking slimy worms into your mouth. Choose rotting away in the belly of the Sarlack, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up aprentices you spawned to kill all your breathren and take over the galaxy.

Re:Jar Jar and Yoda

[Tackhead]

> > I thought the worst part was the kiss between Jar Jar and Yoda. I just about hurled.
>
> I really hope that's a joke.
> Of course, clones are kinda like twins, aren't they...
> "Queen Amidala, meet, Queen Amidala" then start with the bad music...

Hey, they did it in an episode of Star Trek:DS9 in the mirror universe where we got to see mirror-Kira make a pass at herself.

Now... two bi Natalie Portman clones. Hubba hubba! I could go for that, even without grits!

Re:Lines you won't hear Mace say...

[Fishstick]

>ROTFLMAO

Wouldn't that be ROTFLMMFAO? ;-)

That made my day, too bad I can't forward that one around the office.

Re:Same problem in Star Trek: TNG

[Anonymous Coward]

Isn't that supposed to be ] - ) for Geordi?

Re:Worst. Episode. 2. Ever!

[tekkblade]

george's explaination of the fliing R2D2. "well he was getting too advanced and they where worried he would take over the universe so they took out his fliing ability."

Ah, Trainspotting

[David Wong]

The film that eliminated the cruel outdated stereotype of the Scottish kilt-wearing bagpiper, and replaced it with the stereotype of the Scottish amoral and AIDS-ridden heroin fiend.

"Well Sickboy lacks a certain moral fiber."

"He does know a lot about Sean Connery though."

"That's hardly a substitute!"

Re:Reviews are in

[Prior Restraint]

...I expect the MPAA will be able to use the profits to buy off 2-3 more congressmen and take away computers just a little bit faster. It's a good thing that just about everybody on /. is a hypocrite because on Monday we can all come back here and bitch about how the **AA has too much money and how they're trying to take away freedom after we just spent a weekend gorging ourselves on the latest crap they flung up against the wall to squeeze a little more money out of us.

There have been a lot of posts lately like this, which generally say, "Oh! I didn't know /. was supposed to like the MPAA today." Here's a handy little guide for future reference.

First, the general rule is: We like the MPAA on Tuesdays and Fridays. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule, but this is a good basic reminder. Sometimes, like near a holiday weekend, we like the MPAA on a Thursday. Also, if the MPAA has generated a lot of hype, we'll like them on a Thursday (this is more likely during summer months). One time, the MPAA generated so much hype, we liked them on a Wednesday. But Fridays are a safe bet.

Then, once we stop liking the MPAA, they shift gears and let us own a piece of hype, instead of merely look at it. This almost always happens on a Tuesday (check out your local video store if you don't believe me). Once, there was a very scary piece of hype (though some said it made them sea-sick, and was just plain stupid) that the MPAA let us own on a different day of the week (just in time for Halloween).

I hope this clears things up.

Re:Why the stormtroopers suck in OT... (spoilers)

[EvilBastard]

After you watch Jango fire around 10,000 rounds at a single proto-A-Wing and still not kill it, you know why Stormtroopers are such rotten shots

Lone Gunmen the thing

[techstar25]

lone gunmen (lon' gun'men)
verb
1. To prematurely reveal plot points.
2. To spoil the surprise, reveal spoilers without warning."I'll try not to lone gunman the thing."
3. To include spoilers in the headline.
insert photo of chrisd here

Re:nipple?!?

[68030]

It's not so much that she was cold, but that she
is just turned on by the thought of people being
slaughtered and dying. Why do you think she's
fallen for our dear little Anikin? Shooting stuff
does it for her.

Re:Haven't seen it yet...

[subgeek]

after a good morning's sleep, I can still vividly remember all the fight scenes

so you're saying that all of the critics saying there are no memorable scenes/moments are just propagating anti-lukas FUD?

i haven't seen it yet. so i hope that is the case.

I'm glad Christopher Lee is working

[sam_handelman]

Any time he comes onto the stage I just wanna stand up and shout "Yeah! Let's hear it for evil!"

His performances in this film and as Suruman (in LOTR) have inspired me so much that I'm going to go out and do terrible things to many, many innocent people, because when it comes down to it, good is weak, and evil is strong.

At first, I thought playing a semi-sympathetic misguided villain might be a stretch for Christopher, but he's just so delightfully vile it doesn't matter. His stage presence makes the appeal of the Dark Side all to clear.

Review of the Review

[shawnmelliott]

CmdrTaco hasn't exactly redeemed himself this time around, but he has wiped out most of the worst of his last reviews from my memory. His review starts of slow and it takes until half the review to really start to get coherent. But the final paragraphs seem to really feel like English again. Read on for my full review- I'll try not to shoot down the lone gunman on this

I really don't feel the review was that bad. If you ignore every misspelling, and the occasional attempt at the 10 dollar word there's a really good review in there. I read this hoping to get an increased desire to see the movie this Friday, support that going wouldn't be a waste of time and he mostly has give me that.

Much of the same blah de blah is back. Unfortunately none of the 10 dollar words really seem to stand out.

Most notable this time is how notable he though the CGI characters were. With the occasional reference to Menance and a couple times where I wasn't sure if he was talking about Episode I or II I found some of the information curious and some that just didn't make sense but those are the exception, not the rule.

The review as a whole seems to work great. Many of the paragraphs bleed into one another where you can follow a coherent thought and altogether it wasn't too bad. I hope his reviews continue to improve

I'd like to note that I didn't get to see it on my nice 17" monitor at home. I plan on seeing it there after 5:00 but I wanted to make sure this review didn't suck before I thought of maybe using my Lunch break to drive home to read it there.

The rest of this review of the review would focus on the Grammatical and spelling insights, but was I found none I won't digress into that. A couple sentences were so awkward that they seemed like they would rather have been in different reviews. Their utter lack of chemistry is almost amusing.

As usual, with the posts CmdrTaco gets some smack, and so other posts go to rescue him, only to end up compounding the level of smack around for other /.ers. Meanwhile Congress does its thing and a major shift in power occurs. We don't learn who is responsible for the clone army but we can guess, and what the plan for it is ( Perhaps enforcement of the DMCA? )

The last paragraph of this review is the Payoff. Several sentences that actually make sense together but I'm not going to go into it because that might spoil the shock of it, but let make the following points. First, we finally have enough correct spelling of words in one place. The massive amounts of coherent thoughts we all knew these reviews could offer us. I don't know if it was worth the wait but it's nice to see

The packed posts that I saw seemed to feel the same way as me. A few awkward FUNNY +3 even the occasion INSIGHTFUL +5 here and there.

That really sums it up. It took 11.75 paragraphs of text to get us to the payoff. For some it might not have been worth the wait... but for me, I'm just happy to finally to see most of what was promised delivered. And I'm reinvigorated towards CmdrTaco. If Episode III's review can pick up where II left off, it should finally be the Star Wars Prequel review that we've been waiting for.

Vader is Luke's Father?!?!?

[wiredog]

Damn. Well, I guess there's no reason for me to see Empire and RotJ, is there. Thanks for ruining it for me.

Re:Jar Jar and Yoda

[DickPhallus]

extended version

I, for one, don't need to see any kind of digital extensions from Jar Jar...

What? No Jon Katz review?

[Pig Hogger]

We want THE Jon Katz review!

We want to understand about the socio-economic relationships clones introduce when confronted to droids, and the threat such a relationship is towards the current Guild commercial ventures and business models!!!!

Re:Review of the Review

[Anonymous Coward]

This comment looks interesting, but it's quite long and I don'thave time to waste if it's not really worth reading. Can somebody write up a short review of it so I know if I should read the whole thing or not?

(from what I hear, it's rife with misspellings...)

Goofy Yoda

[Anonymous Coward]

Yoda fighting was just goofy. With his little mini light saber, I kept thinking, maybe Yoda should have battled Mini-Me.

Maybe in Episode 3.

I only liked one line

[kraf]

Jango is dropping space bombs yet Obi manages to follow him. Jango says (I think):
"this guy just doesn't take a hint"

All other dialog was so contrived and dull.
But thinking back to the Holiday Special I guess it could have been worse.

Re:Vader is Luke's Father?!?!?

[writermike]

Technically, I suppose, Vader is C3PO's father, too.

12 hours for the first review to appear.

[Anonymous Coward]

I feel a great disturbance in the force. Something must be terribly wrong for it to take 12 hours for the first review to be posted on /.

Re:Complaint about the Yoda fight

[CoffeeJedi]

Hmmmmm, let's see, we've got one guy down with massive cuts/burns in his arms and legs, and another whose lost an entire arm and was thrown about 15 feet backwards onto a concrete floor... I know! Yank 'em back real violent-like! Be sure to really wrench their spines around while you're at it!

Four words

[[e-mail]]

Four words, my brothers:

Padme in black leather

Slashdot

[Anonymous Coward]

Stroking
Lucas'
Aging
Schlong,
Huge
Dumbshits ,
Obese
Turds

Re:My Thoughts (No Spoilers)

[superdan2k]

From the trailers, i thought that the romantic part of the movie was gonna be super cheesy, but it's actually not as bad as i expected...

You've never been in love with someone, have you? I mean, jesus, nobody talks like that when they're in love with someone...

(The sand analogy was so fucking hokey I nearly geyser-vomited on the guy in front of me who smelled of weed and horseshit.)

Another funny bit, this time a real one

[ektor]

While looking at a galactic 3d map Obi Wan says: "I'm looking for a system south of here".

Yes, George Lucas is a master comedian.

Re:Complaint about the Yoda fight

[KoshClassic]

Uh,size matters not - probably easier to grab one object (however large) than two seperate ones...

Re:Australia

[Anonymous Coward]

Loved one friggin line Owen Lars got:

OWEN: "Hi there, I'm Mr. Lar's son, that would make me your brother-in-law ...and if you manage to impregnate that lovely bit o' stuff that rolled in with you before the movie ends, I will end up being a gruff, severe uncle that will raise your son only to be gunned down by stormtroopers that will look sort of like those clone warriors. Got all that?"

BERU: "Hi there, I'm the typical insecure but reliable girlfriend who does little else but silently mope around inside of a 2 foot radius of my overly-chatty boyfriend, which is rather convenient given that Mr. Lucas didn't give me a single line, apparently because that would cost him too much money."

Re:Complaint about the Yoda fight

[Squeeze Truck]

He loses his workman's comp. if he's seen outside without it.