George Lucas May Be Completely Evil 1036
gabec writes "Sci-fi Wire is reporting a couple rumors about the changes being made to the original Star Wars trilogy for its next release. That being that Natalie Portman may be being inserted into Episode VI: Return of the Jedi and that universally reviled Jar Jar Binks may be being inserted into Episode IV: A New Hope. May The Force forbid." Mind you this is reported as rumor, but it's so unsurprisingly possible...
Stupid Star Wars nerds (Score:4, Funny)
I knew it.... (Score:5, Funny)
the actual story (Score:3, Funny)
if the author's command of english is any demonstration of the reliability of his unmentioned sources, there's little to fear about natalie being inserted into the original trilogy.
however, i would have nothing against jar jar taking greedo's first shot in the chest, allowing han to do the heroic thing and finish him off.
err, finish off greedo that is, not jar jar.
HEY! (Score:5, Funny)
Binks: A Future For Your Children. A Future For The Republic. Vote Today.
How dare he... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Stupid Star Wars nerds (Score:4, Funny)
:)
Bar Scene (Score:5, Funny)
JJ: "Meesa wanted man in 12 systems!!!"
Luke: "I'll be careful"
JJ: "Yousa be dead like a da Gungans!!!"
(swoosh! - lops off his head)
Re:I thought she was dead. (Score:2, Funny)
This will result in a funny scene:
Yoda: If he fails everything is lost.
Obi-Wan ghost: No, there is still his sister.
And if she gets screwed, we can still clone them 1384 times.
Re:Stupid Star Wars nerds (Score:3, Funny)
"NERD ABU-SER! NERD ABU-SER!"
Of course any chant with Jar-Jar's name in it wouldn't be worth the breath it expelled...so we'll leave him out of it!
Tragic (Score:4, Funny)
Ooh a new halflife patch!
Re:I knew it.... (Score:4, Funny)
What Lucas Doesn't Mention... (Score:2, Funny)
Bootleg Episode 3 (Score:4, Funny)
You know, I hear that if you cross the International Date Line thrice, backwards, at the equator, and then find the proper site in Taiwan, you can get a copy of Episode 3 before Lucas has a chance to mess it up...
Look on the bright side (Score:5, Funny)
From the SlashDot Rumor Mill Dept. . . (Score:3, Funny)
May I suggest a change of motto?
Rumors for Nerds. Tabloid that Thinks it Matters.
Re:No need for hysteria (Score:2, Funny)
But then how could they be twins? That would be one heck of a labor!
Re:I thought she was dead. (Score:3, Funny)
Natalie Portman in black leather... Mmmmmmmm...
Uh, *Cough* Um, sorry, I was in a happy place there for a second.
Re:I knew it.... Star Wars XP - (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Why? (Score:5, Funny)
lol. Right. It's imperative that we ensure our fiction is as absolutely accurate as possible. How will future generations know what might really have happened on Tatooine if it would have been a real place? Who can our children trust when they need to find out how the Rebel Alliance could possibly have destroyed the first Death Star assuming that either of those things existed in the first place.
Please. Okay, yeah, Lucas may be a jerk for changing stuff around (if, indeed, he ends up doing so), but hell, don't liken it to 1984. It's just a movie.
Re:I thought she was dead. (Score:3, Funny)
Didnt you see the Simpsons episode... (Score:5, Funny)
Hasn't anyone seen the Simpsons episode where the comic store clerk goes to sleep with a life-sized Jar-Jar doll saying "Oh Jar-Jar, no one loves you but me..."
Groening couldn't have been more correct there...
Re:Natalie Portman May Be Completely Hot (Score:1, Funny)
amnesia as a plot device (Score:2, Funny)
I wish I couldn't remember anything form the first trilogy either!
Seriously, though ... it reminds me of one of the Chritopher Reeve Superman movies, where Superman erases Lois' memory, so she won't know for the sequel. Stupid then, stupid now.
George, why couldn't you have died in the 80s and left us imagining how great the movies could have been?
Re:I thought she was dead. (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Candidates for new name (Score:2, Funny)
Star Wars
Star Wars Special Edition
Star Wars Turbo
Star Wars Turbo Champions Edition
Super Star Wars Turbo
Let's not forget the hacked Japanese imports where Luke Skywalker does two fireballs that move in a sine-wave pattern.
Repeat the above with Star Wars Alpha.
Claric
Re:Bootleg Episode 3 (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Stupid Star Wars nerds (Score:5, Funny)
Maury: How did it feel when you saw how much Episode 1 sucked?
Nerd: Ah felt betrayed, and ah felt abused. He abused me like ah was a wet food stamp!
Maury: But you stood in line for weeks to be the first nerd to see Episode 2!
Nerd: [Nods, weeping]
Maury: Well, why do you keep going back to him?
Nerd: Because ah LOVE him! I LOVE George Lucas!
Killing Jar Jar (Score:3, Funny)
Remember the scene where Greedo confronts Han in the cantena. Now we all know that in the original Star Wars, Han shoots first, but for the "special edition", Greedo shoots first, and his shot hits the wall next to Han.
Imagine Jar Jar sitting next to Han. Greedo shoots first, blowing Jar Jar's head off. Han shoots second, killing Greedo.
Everyone wins.
things *can* get "worse"... part VII... (Score:2, Funny)
Sequels to the Phantom Edit... (Score:4, Funny)
Episode I: The Phantom Edit
Epidose II: Attack of the Edit
Episode III: TBA
Episode IV: A New Edit
Episode V: The Edit Strikes Back
Episode VI: The Return of the Edit
And of course Portman is going to end up a glowing ghost beside Anakin, Obi-Wan and the little green dude. Heck, it wouldn't surprise me if Lucas digitally inserts (a suitably make-up aged) Hayden Christensen instead of the guy who's playing Anakin now. Long story short--don't worry about it. The technology is there and the devout Star Wars afficiandos (you know, the guys who make their own vacuum-formed stormtrooper armour?) will have a definitive FAN-tastic version circulating out on the Net before you know it.
SCENE: Alderaan... (Score:5, Funny)
Jar-Jar: "Issa thata new moona, Bail Organa?"
CUT TO Death Star interior as the Planet Pulverizer(TM) fires and hits Alderaan.
CUT TO Jar-Jar binks being hidiously vaporized on Alderaan in a cruel twist of fate for giving the empire its power.
So you see, people, it might not be that bad...
insert? (Score:1, Funny)
Then "insert" my tool into natalie.
The tighter you squeeze the franchise. . . . (Score:3, Funny)
Now, all we need is a CGI Peter Cushing [earthlink.net] with a CGI Lucas beard and flannel shirt [starwars.com]. . . .
Re:No need for hysteria (Score:3, Funny)
Perhaps Lucas wants to acknowledge what a mistake Jar-Jar is by giving the fans what they want.
The new scene will have Jar-Jar as a groveling, mistreated, abused slave of the Emperor. The Emperor will be in a discussion with his heads of state while Jar-Jar crawls in on all fours carrying a drink for the Emperor. Obviously beaten and broken, Jar-Jar cringes at each movement of his master.
Of course... since Jar-Jar is obviously a racial stereotype this may not go over so well...
Re:Stupid Star Wars nerds (Score:2, Funny)
Re:I thought she was dead. (Score:3, Funny)
We're getting DEEP into nerdism here
To say the least...
It's interesting to note that while Vader does know he had a child, it isn't until he reads Luke's mind in ROTJ does he realize he had twin children.
I don't see any inconsistency here. Anakin bangs wife -> wife gets pregnant. Even Anakin should understand that his wife is pregnant even if she wouldn't tell him, no matter how dim-witted he is. And seing how he acted in "Attack of the clones", that is plenty dimwitted indeed. Anyway, so Anakin joins Palpatine (hey, I would too if I'd get that cool black helmet with The-breathing-sound) and leaves Padme. Or maybe Padme dumped Anakin? You know, maybe she wasn't satisified, or she was plain weirded out when Anakin fingered her with that robotic hand (you can see the robot hand at the end of "attack of the clones")?
STAR WARS.NET (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Special Special Edition (Score:1, Funny)
Crap, next thing you know, you'll be arguing that copyright shouldn't be giving his great-great-great-great-great grandchildren a free ride! Are you an anti-American Terrorist? Is your name Fidel?!!!
Re:It's funny cause it's true (Score:2, Funny)
Am I alone... (Score:2, Funny)
Star Wars needs Service Packs (Score:5, Funny)
And now (Score:5, Funny)
10. Orbiting Tatooine in the opening scene.
9. Sweeping the hallway on the Princess' ship right before the stormtroopers cut through the door
8. In the first escape pod from the Princess' ship
7. Standing behind Obi-Wan at the bar
6. Under the table during Greedo and Han's conversation
5. Admiring the Millenium Falcon from the doorway just prior to its departure
4. Running a lemonade stand on Alderaan
3. Last (almost) through the blast doors
2. Porkins' co-pilot
..and the NUMBER ONE place for Jar-Jar in Episode 4:
1. In the exhaust shaft!
R2D2 Memory (Score:3, Funny)
That explains a lot. R2 doesn't fly in episodes 4-6 because he forgot he can.
Re:What about the originals? (Score:3, Funny)
That's odd. I could swear my laserdiscs were of the original films. Aside from the "A New Hope" title, that is. I hear that got inserted in the years between the original theatrical release and the video release. Damn, I wish I knew what happened to the ancient bootleg VHS copy that my family used to have way back when.
Re:Who gives a damn? (Score:4, Funny)
The Year: 2007. The Empire Strikes Back: Ultimate Edition hits the screens.
In a controversially updated scene, Luke follows Darth Vader to the Cloud City of Bespin, where at the climactic moment of the legendary lightsaber duel, Vader says...
"No, Luke... meesa es your father!!!!!"
Re: Stupid Star Wars nerds - Triumph special (OT) (Score:2, Funny)
You will die alone!
Re:Remember the classics... (Score:5, Funny)
Actually, I got ahold of a bootleg copy of the script for EP III on the internet, and found this interesting little piece of dialog just before Mace Windu's death:
Boba Fet: Hello, my name is Boba Fet. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Mace Windu: STOP SAYING THAT!!!
I can see it now.. (Score:5, Funny)
Episode IV: Jar Jar steps in Jawa poo.
Episode V: Jar Jar steps in Jabba the Hut's poo.
Episode VI: Jar Jar steps in Ewok poo.
I just think Lucas is trying to insert "poo" analogies in his films. Pretty soon, Vader will be re-dubbed to refer to his army of "stormpoopers". Han Solo will be encased in poop instead of carbonite, AT-ATs will step in poop, and and the climax of the saga will be when Vader gets unmasked, only to say "Poop, I am your faaaa-tha."
Save The Planet - Nuke California,
from email... (Score:5, Funny)
INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...
Luke: No...
Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"
Luke: Shut up...
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon.
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here, baby!
{Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.}
Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...
{Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.}
{Darth Vader looks after him.}
Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
Re:Different versions on DVD? (Score:4, Funny)
Yes. To George's ego.
Re:I knew it.... (Score:2, Funny)
for Xtra Portman...
Episode III spoiler (Score:5, Funny)
In III, it is 15 years later. The Clone Wars are in full swing. Chancellor Palpatine's "War on Secessionists" has killed many innocent people, but has failed to bring Count Dooku to justice.
Amidala has secretly had Anakin's love babies - while Anakin has been called away to fight the "War on Secessionists" with his side kick ObiWan.
Jar Jar accidentally flips the latch on Amidala's window in her high-rise as she leans on it to look out on the beatiful sunrise one morning (er - I wonder what Jar Jar was doing in Amidala's room in the early morning?). Anakin totally blows his top, and abandons his post, returning to Coruscant, he confronts Jar Jar, who admits that he was "doing" Amidala, and that Luke and Leia are really HIS. Anakin force-grabs Jar Jar, and lightsabers his arms and legs off, then shoves him out the same window, and before dropping him 5000 feet, tears his torso to shreds.
In the meantime, ObiWan is instructed by Yoda to NOT confront Anakin, but instead, to protect Luke and Leia from his growing rage. So ObiWan successfully evades Anakin on Coruscant, abducts the children, and spirits them off to Bail Organa's home planet of Alderaan. To have him adopt them as the Jedi's ace in the hole against the growing menace of their loose cannon, Anakin.
Anakin finds out and decides that the Jedi council is plotting against him, and needs to be destroyed. And so, he destroys them. Three escape. Yoda, Mace, and a new Jedi, Ell Ron Hubbardi played by John Travolta. A long hunting sequence plays out where Mace Windu and Ell Ron lead Anakin on a wild goose chase through the streets of Coruscant in a speeder, while Mace and Ell Ron philosophise about the meaning of life, the force, phenomenology, etc.
While they stop for food at a "Space Denny's", Mace goes to the bathroom, and Anakin finally catches up to Ell Ron, and uses the Jedi Mind Trick (TM) to convince him that Mace is evil and that they should destroy eachother. Mace comes out of the bathroom, and they have the lightsaber duel to end all lightsaber duels. Properly disposed of, Anakin now ignores the two and pursues Yoda. But by now, the trail is cold, and he ends up on Alderaan, looking for the kids, so he can destroy them. ObiWan finds him first, and they duel nearly to the death, and Anakin is plunged into a volcano.
Mace has destroyed Ell Ron Hubbardi, and it is in the remains of the shattered high-rise that was the Space Denny's that the emporer encounters him, all pissed off and shit. The emporer turns him to the dark side, and has him change his name to Darth Vader. The emporer says that he will tell everyone that Darth Vader is really Anakin, rescued from the Volcano, and rebuilt with off the shelf cyborg parts.
Yoda catches up with Obi Wan, and tells him that they've got to change plans a bit, because having BOTH twins on Alderaan is a single-point of failure, so Obi Wan takes Luke to Tatooine, and sells him as a slave for a cheap hooker. Luke is eventually sold through several owners, who decide to get rid of him as soon as they find out how much he whines, until he ends up in the same fate as his grandmother Shmi. Eventually, Owen comes to love Luke and sets him free, and even stops molesting him - but continues to keep him on as a farmhand. Yoda, in the meantime, has hidden himself on Dagobah.
Oh yeah, and one twist he wants to add.
The Space Denny's actually gathers roadkill from all around Coruscant. People who have fallen out of windows, or their speeder's seatbelts weren't fastened, etc. And grinds them up as mystery meat. So Mace and Ell Ron were actually eating bits of Amidala and Jar Jar. And when Anakin stopped to warp Ell Ron's mind, he also took a bite of Mace's hamburger, containing bits of Amidala. In this way, Amidala's body became part of the force, and this is the route through which she becomes a ghost at the end of the re-made episode VI. Also, they'll have to reshoot the scenes where Vader takes off his mask in Episode V and VI (and his ghost scene at the end of VI) to replace him with Windu. This is also how Jar Jar's ghost ends up in Episode IV, because he was eaten by Mace, who was Darth Vader. Jar Jar's ghost will be in the scene where Obi Wan is killed, he'll tell Luke; "Luke! Meesa tink yoosa better get a runnin boss" - but he won't admit to being his true father, because that would present an obvious continutiy error with Episode V. In fact, it will never be revealed to Luke who his real father is, and when he pulls off Vader's mask at the end and sees that it's Mace, he'll chalk up the skin color difference to volcanic scorching or something.
- - -
I'm not sure what to say to George. I mean, I think he sent it to me by mistake - I actually opened it by mistake, because the subject line was "Enlarge your penis 500%!" -
I think it's a great idea that hes getting a headstart, and I kind of like this better than where it looked like it was headed.
Other Rumored Changes (Score:3, Funny)
Star wars is like microsoft (Score:3, Funny)
sir_haxalot
Knock Knock (Score:1, Funny)
( Door opens )
artist: Hi, my name is john, I painted the picture thats hanging in your living room.
owner: what can I do for you?
artist: well, after thinking about it for a while, I though a few changes might be in order. I just don't feel its really done.
owner: Well... I like it just the way it is...
artist: I'm the artist, its my right!
owner: well ok....
( Paint, Paint, Paint )
artist: There, I added a few things to the painting of that nebula. A planet, a sun, a few moons,...
owner: I guess its looks a little better...
( a few years later )
(knock knock)
artist: Hi again remember me?
owner: yea, what now?
artist: I did some more thinking....
owner: yea just get it done....
( a few years later )
(knock knock )
artist: well I kinda fudged the last time and....
owner: get it over with and get out!
( a few years later )
artist: Man you know, I just had this ich and....
owner: GOOD GOD MAN, leave me alone!
artist: its my right....
( paint, paint, paint )
artist: I'm all done with your Lama!
owner: I bought a paint of a nebula a few years back, which I liked, AND YOU"VE TURNED IT INTO A LAMA, WHICH I HATE!!!!??!?!
( sound of painting breaking over artists head and artist going out the second story window, never to return )
Divorce (Score:1, Funny)
Re:Stupid Star Wars nerds (Score:4, Funny)
Damn and I was hoping in Episode 3 we find out Jar Jar Binks is actually the thinner version of Jabba the Hut. I figure Jar Jar (once he realized how badly he screwed over the Federation and after he grew a conscience) started over-eating to subsume his growing guilt, started a black-market trading operation to undercut the Empire financially, and finally lost his mind when he started eating his Queen Amidala dancer-substitute. Face it folks - Jar Jar is Jabba the Hut. Once you accept it, all of it makes sense.
Re:Jar Jar Binks == Darth Sidious (Score:2, Funny)