Episode III Opening Crawl Released

moggyf writes "The official Star Wars website has revealed the opening crawler text for Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, currently scheduled for a May 19th, 2005 release."

In Case Of Slashdotting

[American AC in Paris]

In case of slashdotting, here's the original GIF:

47 49 46 38 49 61 35 02 DC 02 C4 00 00 E0 E0 E0
F0 F0 F0 10 10 10 D0 D0 D0 A0 A0 A0 30 30 30 20
20 20 90 90 90 60 60 60 50 50 50 70 70 70 B0 B0
B0 40 40 40 80 80 80 C0 C0 C0 00 00 00 FF FF FF
00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00
00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00
00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 21 F9 04
00 00 00 00 00 2C 00 00 00 00 35 02 DC 02 00 05
FF 20 04 8E 64 69 9E 68 AA AE 6C EB BE 70 2C CF

[Lameness Filter encountered. Post aborted.]

In case of /.ing

[Shadow Wrought]

"it was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

Thank goodness for the Internet

[Staplerh]

Maybe this means that I'll see the Opening Crawl for Episode III before that poor bloke who started camping out in front of the theatre about a month ago!

Oh Dear.

[bburton]

I just pissed my pants from excitement.

thanks...

[phyruxus]

but meesa wait for the broadcast.

Re:General Grievous?

[Xpilot]

Yeah, he's the 2nd cousin twice removed of General Protection Fault.

Spoiler

[TheNextBigThing]

Annikin becomes Darth Vader!!

Capitalization

[Mekabyte]

Separatist Droid Army and not SEPARATIST DROID ARMY?

War! Huh! Hey! What is it good for?

[Chagatai]

Absolutely nothing!

Seriously, with the way the new crawl starts with the word "War!", Lucas just might have replaced it with "Ass!" or something else asinine.

Re:General Grievous?

[grub]

And his thugs Sergent Bodily and Captain Harm.

NOOOO!!!!!!!

[paranode]

That's not true, that's IMPOSSIBLE!!!!

Re:Back to the Future

[dr_dank]

Is it just me, or does the whole "back to the future" approach somehow degrade the Star Wars saga?

Agree. SW jumped the shark when Yoda said "tree you make like and get out of here!".

Must RESIST ... must resist .. whimper

[ackthpt]

Look. Look.
See. See.
Look. Look. Look.
See. See. See.
See Anakin. See Anakin turn. Turn Anakin turn.
See Jedis. See Jedis die. Die Jedis die.
See Palpatine. See Palpatine rule. Rule Palpatine rule.
Look. See Darth Vader. See Amidala. See Amidala give birth and hide children. Hide them Amidala.
See Amidala die. Die Amidala die.

There's so much to see.

No, but...

[paranode]

It did say "This isn't the story you're looking for" at which point I had an uncontrollable urge to say "Move along, move along". That was weird.

Revised Crawl

[FunWithHeadlines]

REVENGE OF THE LUCAS
Cash! The production house is crumbling
under attacks by the ruthless
Sith Lord, and Slashdot fanboys.
There are whiners on both sides.
Ennui is everywhere.

In a stunning move, the
fiendish droid leader, General
Lucas, has swept into the
Hollywood capital and kidnapped
famous movie critics, and leaders of
the big studios.

As the exhasperated Slashdot army
attempts to flee the onslaught
of PR pushed by bought-for flaks
two Jedi Knights lead a
desperate mission to rescue the
captive franchise...

Re:General Grievous?

[artemis67]

He's related to Major Fubar, isn't he?

Re:General Grievous?

[UWC]

And Colonel Panic. Or something.

Converts to gull blown screener

[Linker3000]

It may only be a crawler when you first look, but I've just ordered this wonderful image enhancer sticker from an online store - the sticker's only about 1.5" by 2" and according to the spec it's manufactured from "advanced, outsized nanoparticles fused with filings from real phase inverted plasma conduits", and when you stick it on the side of your monitor you can see a full length screener of the film.

Re:General Grievous?

[NanoGator]

I'm surrounded by assholes!

obligatory simpsons reference

[Class Act Dynamo]

I would be remiss in my duties if I did not bring up the Cosmic Wars crawler text.

The Gathering Shadow

It is a time of uncertainty. The
empire's ambiguous tariff statutes
mandate close reexamination of
galactic import quotas. Interim
Princess Agoomba has co-chaired
a subcommittee to draft amendments
to existing trade policies

Meanwhile, regulatory agencies
are being heavily lobbied by a
consortium of mercantile interest
groups and their suppliers to
streamline loading restrictions for
class C cargo vessels. The shipping...

Re:NOOOO!!!!!!!

[Anonymous Coward]

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Re:General Grievous?

[jcostantino]

Isn't his son Corporal Punishment?

Re:Okay, did anyone else....

[Basehart]

I wonder if with all the last minute stuff going on at Lucas Film right now, whether anyone would notice if they forgot to make the opening titles crawl up the screen and just stuck that gif up there by accident.

That would really put a dent in the look and feel of Star Wars III.

Re:No, but...

[Anonymous Coward]

A long time agao...
War was beginning.

Captain: What happen ?
Mechanic: Somebody set up us the bomb.
Operator: We get signal.
Captain: What !
Operator: Main screen turn on.
Captain: It's you !!
Cats: How are you gentlemen !!
Cats: All your base are belong to us.
Cats: You are on the way to destruction.
Captain: What you say !!
Cats: You have no chance to survive make your time.
Cats: Ha Ha Ha Ha ....
Operator: Captain !!*
Captain: Take off every 'Zig'!!
Captain: You know what you doing.
Captain: Move 'Zig'.
Captain: For great justice.

Re:Crawler Text in case of /.ing

[Bonker]

Episode VI
THE RETURN OF THE HYPE
Money! Lucas' Fanbase is crumbling under
the onslaught of bad film after bad film.
Theree are people camping out for Episode
III, but everyone thinks they are just
kinda sad.

In a predictable move, Lucas Arts has
announced dozens of new action figures
and marketing tie-ins. Ronald McDonald has
been Kidnapped and is being replaced by
Yoda, C-3P0, and Chewbacca.

As the general geek community attempts
to brace for another soul-crushing
dissapointment, Jar Jar Binks threatens
to taint yet another gasping breath of
a dying franchise...

Worst Star Wars ever?

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm pissing my pants with anticipation.... ... this just MAY be the worst Star Wars ever.

Re:asking for your opinions

[Metzli]

Watch IV, then V, then VI. Unless you're _really_ bored and/or inebriated, skip I and II. We'll see about III, but I'm not holding my breath....

Duh!

[ackthpt]

Re:General Grievous?
*sigh*

Why 'General Grievous?'? Because General Electric was already taken!

rimshot

It is just me

[calbanese]

Or does anyone else think that Lucas should spice up Episode III with some breakdancing?

Re:General Grievous?

[Khakionion]

And nephew to Constable Flagrant System Error.

"You WILL!"

[Thud457]

Thanks to the Internet, you'll see Star Wars Episode III before that sad git camping out in line for tickets. /Tom Selleck

Re:Spoiler

[lucabrasi999]

Thanks for ruining the movie. By the way: Rosebud was his sled.

Holy...

[jalefkowit]

He actually named a bad guy "General Grevious"???

What a breathtaking lack of creativity. I look forward to seeing his counterpart on the other side, Major Niceguy.

parody

[jmaxwell39648]

Check out this parody of Episode III. The guy did some nice work. Looks like everything is green screen. Funny as hell. http://www.sequentialpictures.com/moviestarwarsepi sode3.html [sequentialpictures.com]

Re:Oh Dear.

[Anonymous Coward]

This disorder may explain your problem with the ladies.

Re:Crawler Text in case of /.ing

[Xoro]

It is a time of uncertainty. the
empire's ambiguous tariff statutes
mandate close reexamination of
galactic export quotas. Interim
Princess Agoomba has co-chaired
a subcommittee to draft amendments
to existing trade policies.

Meanwhile, regulatory agencies
are being heavily lobbied by a
consortium of mercantile interest
groups and their suppliers to
streamline loading restrictions for
class C cargo vessels. The shipping...

Re:General Grievous?

[WormholeFiend]

Well, hello Captain Obvious.

''Turgid Hostage'' !

[Odd John]

''As the Separatist Droid Army attempts to flee the besieged capital with their turgid hostage''

Turgid hostage!

Did Senator Palpatine get a woody while being held down ?

Turgid:

1. Excessively ornate or complex in style or language; grandiloquent: turgid prose.

2. Swollen or distended, as from a fluid; bloated: a turgid bladder; turgid veins.

On the other hand you can say that all the Lucas movies are turgid.

Wrong!

[jspoon]

One would think that 'vague direction' and 'a lot of explorations' would come up with something innovative. But, as can be seen from the picture, what do we have?

A droid, in the shape and likliness of a human, holding two lightsabers. I mean honestly!

Oops! You didn't study the picture closely enough. Gen. Grievous is clearly wielding not two but THREE lightsabers. Let's all raise our voices to congratulate Mr. Lucas for striking off in this radical new direction.

Re:War! Huh! Hey! What is it good for?

[dr_dank]

Lucas just might have replaced it with "Ass!"

No point in giving away the film in the first ten seconds.

Re:General Grievous?

[Anonymous Coward]

Didn't Private Parts serve under him?

Not spicy enough for todays audiences...

[GeneralEmergency]

Note to Scroll Writing Staff:

Please rework Scroll to include the phrase "hot space-monkey nookie".

Please, no Wookie-Nookie jokes.

THX, GL

Re:Holy...

[dpilot]

He was promoted from one of the Other 4 Motorcyclists of the Apocolypse, along with his friends, Things That Need a Really Good Thumping, (mumble), and (mumble, haven't re-read Good Omens recently enough).

Oh, Grevious is really short for Grevious Bodily Harm.

It's official...

[William_Lee]

Star Wars has now become a parody of Space Balls...

And it's REALLY STUPID

[mcc]

The opening crawls in the original trilogy served as a method of allowing the movie to open in medias res without the audience having a sense of disorientation. In the latter two movies this included an aspect of establishing that time had passed since the previous movie-- but, no meaningful or potentially interesting-to-watch events were in this way "skipped", it is simply made clear to us that what we expected has occurred in the intervening time (the war continues, Luke continues to train, Vader turned Solo over to Jabba the Hutt) with perhaps one or two little bits of information that alert us as to the movie's focus (the Imperials are known to be building a weapon capable of destroying an entire planet).

In the prequel trilogies the crawls have served two purposes. The intentional purpose is to allow George Lucas to weasel out of characterization, establishing setting and place, and moving the plot along. Unlike the original trilogies, where the Star Wars universe's background and nature was established incidentally, through subtle details of what we see and hear during the movie, in the prequel trilogies they just use the opening crawl to say "plop, there it is", and disorientingly slam down the characters and setting they wish to put the movie in. After this point, since they seem to consider themselves thus freed from explaining themselves, they completely refrain during the movie from elaborating on the things the opening crawl sketches or filling in details beyond the crawl's bare outline (where is Naboo and why, if in any obvious way, are they important? who is the Trade Federation and why should we care? who is "count dooky", why would someone have heard of him, what does he claim he wants, and why does this all appear to be important to someone who does not know his true aspirations? who is "grevious", how and why is he starting a droid army, and what are the implications of this? most importantly what would the answer to these questions appear to be to someone within the movie-- not us the viewer, to whom the answers are "he's the bad guy and he wants to rule the world", what would an average citizen of the Republic think Dooku to be?) and so use the time freed up within the movie in this way to concentrate on roller-coaster-style but otherwise long, boring and irrelivant action scenes.

The unintentional purpose of the prequel trilogy opening crawls is to bash you over the head with how stupid all these character names are ("Grevious"? "Dooku"??? I mean come on!), just in case the majesty of John Williams' opening score might otherwise distract you from the suspicion that the entire plotline to the prequel trilogy was written by Lucas's 4-year-old child in a single sitting some years ago in crayon on a napkin.

Youse Guys are giving me a

[mykepredko]

Major Payne!

myke

Re:NOOOO!!!!!!!

[Stavr0]

Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Re:General Grievous?

[NanoGator]

"Why would a proctologist be on /.?"

He's still mad that you bit his finger.

Re:Can someone explain something(s)?

[Schnapple]

Movies tend to mirror the ideas and fears of the time when they are made. These movies are no exception

So George W. Bush is just making it up as he goes along, too?

(I keed, I keed)

Re:Not spicy enough for todays audiences...

[Sponge Bath]

"hot space-monkey nookie"

You are thinking of the remake of Planet of the Apes.
In which case it is better phrased:
Bong smoking space-monkey from the future nookie.

Re:Crawler Text in case of /.ing

[rollerbob]

Episode III
REVENGE OF THE SITH

War! - huh - yeah-
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing
Say it again y'all

Ohhh... War! I despise
Because it means destruction'
Of innocent lives

War means tears
to thousands of mothers eyes
When their sons go to fight
and lose their lives

I said - War! Huh - Good God y'all
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing
Say it again

Re:General Grievous?

[Dun Malg]

I assume you meant "kernel," but no: my intent was to provide the homophone "colonel" since it is a military rank and the accepted pronunciations of the two words are pretty much identical.

Thank you, Captain Obvious!

Re:Youse Guys are giving me a

[The-Bus]

I think you meant Major Major Major Major.

Yossarian!!!

Re:And it's REALLY STUPID

[bilgebag]

But Lucas has been using very stupid names since before Star Wars (episode 4, whatever). His original pitch described the film as:

"the story of Mace Windu, a revered Jedi-bendu of Ophuchi who was related to Usby C.J. Thape, a padawaan leader to the famed Jedi" ...

Twat.

Re:Not again!

[The-Bus]

Did you not see the extended version of Episode I?

At the end the Jedi defeats the evil koopa and then Padme comes out and she's all like,

"Sorry, Jedi, but your Princess is in another castle."

Re:General Grievous?

[CoreWalker]

We have Darth Tyrenus, Darth Sidious, Darth Maul, General Grievous... what's next, Darth Meanie? Darth Badguy?
I'm still convinced that Count Dooku is named as such just because it was as close to 'Count Poopie' that Lucas could get without being TOO obvious.

Re:Some real news about Revenge of the Sith

[Frobisher]

Obi-won chops off Anakin's other real hand and both of his legs.

Obi-won: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
Anakin: I'm invincible!
Obi-won: You're a loony.
Anakin: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.
[...]
Anakin: All right; we'll call it a draw... Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!

Re:Not again!

[nganju]

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Foreshadowing

Can't get enough foreshadowing? Feel cheated because there wasn't a scene in Attack of the Clones where someone says "You're a pretty good Moff, Tarkin, but you're not quite a grand Moff"? Well, you're going to be happy with Episode III, because our sources inform us that there's going to be plenty more of the awkward, forced foreshadowing that filled the first two prequels! Check out this preview:

"Golly, no one will ever make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs!"

"If I ever have a son, I'd like him to have my lightsaber when he's old enough. But not to use against me!"

"In local news, Mos Eisley has moved up to second-most wretched hive of scum and villany."

"Okay, me and the rest of the Bothans will be back soon with the information! Don't worry, we won't die!"

"Call me Ben. Obi-Wan is a name I hope not to hear again in a long time. A long time."

"These new 'Scout Walkers' can handle anything you throw at them. Except wood of course."

"Your voice is kind of whiny and reedy for a Sith Lord, Anakin. Can't you get a voice coach or something?"

"Jedi Master Windu's bravery and wisdom will be remembered for, oh, 27 years, tops."

"Aren't the Skywalker twins cute? And such sexual tension between them!"

"Let's remove R2's jet rockets and put in some sort of teddy bear zapping device instead."

"Well, that's it. There's no hope."

Re:Youse Guys are giving me a

[KanSer]

Hmm, it seems one Major Asshole has taken control of Lucasfilm...

Re:Georgie? Is that you?

[Photon Ghoul]

There's an old saying on Tatooine -- I know it's on Naboo, probably on Tatooine -- that says, fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again.

- Darth Doobyu

Re:Wrong!

[Anonymous Coward]

Fuck everything, we're doing 5 [mcgill.ca] lightsabers.

Re:No, but...

[SlowMovingTarget]

I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if millions of souls were suddenly disappointed...

Re:General Grievous?

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, and Commodore Amiga is close to the top of the chain of command.