How to Become A Real-World Superhero

utherdoul writes "Batman isn't from outer space and wasn't born with a mutant gene --he uses his riches, raw determination and technological know-how to equip himself to fight evil. So why couldn't the average geek do the same? I've written a story for Forbes.com that breaks down the Dark Knight's expenses and explains what it would cost to become a real-world Batman using commercially available training and technology." From the article: "Batman's suit is a modified piece of infantry armor built by the applied sciences division of Wayne Enterprises. It's waterproof, bulletproof, knife-proof and temperature-regulating. Paired with an impact-resistant, graphite-composite cowl and spiked ninja-style gauntlets, it allows Batman to protect himself against everything from swords to machine guns."

So why couldn't the average geek do the same?

[Anonymous Coward]

If you can't do it from the comfort of your terminal, it ain't worth it.

What?

[Daedalus-Ubergeek]

Batman isn't from outer space and wasn't born with a mutant gene

Also, Batman isn't real.

Batman's weakness

[Spy der Mann]

Why doesn't anybody aim at his chin? (no armor there)
All it requires is a sniper.

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[superpulpsicle]

Recovering some old ladies $10 purse as a superhero: Priceless.

Re:So why couldn't the average geek do the same?

[climbon321]

You might have to leave your terminal, but think about it. The dark knight fights at night. You wouldn't even have to be exposed to direct sunlight!

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[nubbie]

The Butler: $200,000
Damn! A butler make $200,000? Why didn't my parents name me Jeeves?

...also...

[Otter]

So why couldn't the average geek do the same?

Furthermore, the average geek doesn't need to "count on forking over $297,000 a year on gifts, including Tiffany diamond earrings and necklaces for your lady friends."

FTFA

[not-enough-info]

The Batman movie franchise is also one of the most lucrative of all time, with five movies (not counting Batman Begins) grossing nearly $1 billion.

What is this mystical fifth film?

1)Batman
2)Batman Returns
3)Batman Forever
4)Batman & Robin
5)???
6)Batman Begins

Oh I remember now.
5)Batman My Ass

$740 a month for Shoalin training?!!

[sTalking_Goat]

Man whatever happened to knocking on the temple door and waiting three days without encouragement

These Chinese keep claiming to be communists but I just don't see it.

Re:batman has a throbbing

[bonch]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/dmeister/g4 techtv/doomed.jpg [photobucket.com]

Re:FTFA

[Anonymous Coward]

5)Batman My Ass

Is THAT what they subtitled the Adam West/Burt Ward movie?! Everything makes sense now...

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[cached]

Ofcourse, you do have beer commercials to pay it off...

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[SquadBoy]

The mecha suit for when you have to beat the living shit out of Superman: $?

"Secret" Batcave

[cant_get_a_good_nick]

I always wondered how nobody knew about him being batman, where he's got all this high tech stuff that sometimes gets blown up (the batmobile in Batman and robin). Do they kill the contractors after they're done? There's gotta be one guy who gets drunk in a bar and says "you think you're job is cool, i just fixed the anti-lock brakes on the batmoboile at wayne manor"

Contrast

[spellraiser]

City of Heroes account: $14.95/month

It's a no-brainer. Also, we are geeks, right? Real life is a bit too ... real. Especially when it comes to engaging in violence with unsavory characters.

Now, a badass remote-controlled robot to roam the streets, beating the crap out of the bad guys, that would be something else ...

Uh, no. . . Sort of.

[Infinity Salad]

You mean Tom Cruise's fiancee! (Don't you follow the celebrity gossip?)

Wayne Enterprises; hmm there COULD be a connection

[wernst]

ALL this guy's stuff is from the Whatever-Whatever division of Wayne Enterprises. You'd think this "Batman" fellow owned the freaking company or something... ;-)

Legal costs will kill him

[kmahan]

Let's not forget the legal costs here. He'll need a fulltime team of lawyers.

- copyright/trademark infringement (obvious) - *BIFF* *BAM* *POW* must all have TM after 'em
- defense attorneys to get him out of jail/represent him for all of his speeding tickets
- civil attorneys to handle all the lawsuits from the criminals he "wrongly assaulted"
- insert obvious comments about riaa/mpaa/gitmo

Re:Batman's weakness

[badman99]

Hmmm I thought his only weakness was a young man named Robin.....

Their costing is just as fictional

[syousef]

The Training: $30,000
The Suit: $1,585
The Belt: $290
The Car: $2,000,000
The Cave: $24,000
The Alter Ego: $1,109,574
The Butler: $200,000


I'd love to see some rich twit spend under 32k on martial arts training, a belt, and a poor excuse for an armoured suit, then spend over 3 mill on jewelry, a car and a butler. Better yet I'd like to see the first time they take on a drug dealer and get shot in the head. This is obviously a fluff piece but what's the bet some idiot takes it seriously.

Someone's been smoking a bit too much weed and Forbes.com paid them for their rantings.

save $224,000

[mojoNYC]

The Cave =parents' basement
The Butler =mom or dad

you could probably save a significant part of the $1,109,574 by sticking with 'local geek' or 'comic book guy' as an alter ego...

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[modecx]

Legalized abortion costs the public virtually nothing and has a much greater effect on reducing crime...

Is that kind of abortion of the postadolescent variety? Because a superhero might be able to help greatly with that, too!

I can see it now: The Aborter. He's a mild mannered abortion clinic doctor by day, helping rid the world of unwanted babies... By night he's on par with The Punisher, except he has a custom-formulated serum that makes villians crap their intestines right out, resulting in a long, miserable (and incredibly messy) death! He also has sonar vision (don't ask how that happened, you don't want to know!) that can also detect "bad seeds", while they're in the womb!

even if the vest can stop everything...

[mangu]

...have you seen any bullet-proof vest that extends below the belt? Is there nothing important to protect there, or do they think snipers play by boxing rules?

Re:Like most average guys

[geekoid]

That would be with me.
Here are the procedures for application:
1) Give me the million in cash.
2) Take superhero test*.

*super hero test is a two parter.
a) drug yourself heavly
b) jump off Empire state building. If you survive, congratulations, you're now a super friend.

It just takes money to be Batman?

[Anonymous Coward]

I wish someone had told me before I got bit by a radioactive bat.

Re:FTFA

[OmgTEHMATRICKS]

Your list is inaccurate.

1)Batman
2)Batman Returns
3)Batman Forever
4)Batman & Robin
5)???
6)Profit!

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[ilsa]

The Bottom Line
Final Cost: $3,365,449

The long version makes it clear that most of the goodies are made by, developed by, or otherwise courtesy of Wayne Enterprises. Now, granted, it's his company, and he can afford an accounting firm that can figure out how to write off $3.3 Million.

But you would think somebody in R&D would at some point read the latest press on Batman say "Hey! I remember working on that project!"

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[Diamon]

Wow you can pull off an alter ego as a billionaire by barely spending a million dollars? I guess Wayne manor is just cardboard, duct tape and a coat of paint.

Re:A better plan...

[epiphani]

yes, but this is the logic of most of batmans' opponents, and everyone knows that they always loose.

Average geek

[Propaganda13]

I think the average geek would have a better chance of being Rorschach for the Watchmen. A black and white mask and a mind that divides everything into black and white.

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[AeroIllini]

But you would think somebody in R&D would at some point read the latest press on Batman say "Hey! I remember working on that project!"

I think the people in Wayne Enterprises all work on parts and pieces of the projects, never really knowing what they were for, and I think Alfred was supposed to be the one who assembled them into their final form. (I guess that means he also gives the Batmobile a tuneup once in a while.) With that sort of divide-and-conquer strategy, the only employees you'd have to keep quiet would be those in the Bat-Shaped Black Plastic Casings Division.

Re:Batman's weakness

[tomhudson]

... gp poster ...
"Plutonic relation my arse"
... parent reply ...
"Platonic", you ignorant poltroon! A "plutonic" relationship would be one you had with an igneous rock formed by solidification at considerable depth beneath the earth's surface.

Note the exact wording of the original - "Plutonic relation" and "my arse". Sounds like doing it doggie style, a la "Pluto the cartoon dog". Sounds about right for a Bat-"man-love"/Robin thing.

Re:Newton's laws don't apply

[Anonymous Coward]

If your average doughnut fattened geek would try it...

I hear ya. A more realistic superhero for us to emulate would be Pieman [duffzone.co.uk].

No trap can hold Homer Simpson! Uh, but I'm not Homer Simpson... I'm the Pieman! Homer Simpson away! I mean, the Pieman.

Re:Ah yes, become a superhero!

[KillerDeathRobot]

Well, being a little less than 25 myself, I'm pretty sure those things are true.

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[MillionthMonkey]

I can see it now: The Aborter. He's a mild mannered abortion clinic doctor by day, helping rid the world of unwanted babies... By night he's on par with The Punisher, except he has a custom-formulated serum that makes villians crap their intestines right out, resulting in a long, miserable (and incredibly messy) death!

I was thinking of something more along the lines of Tom the Dancing Bug's "God Man". [wikipedia.org] He prowls the streets, looking for criminals, and when he finds one, he goes back in time and either prevents the criminal's parents from meeting or induces a spontaneous abortion- and by day he poses as Stephen Levitt and promotes his book on talk shows.

Re:Batman's weakness

[coopaq]

Sounds about right for a Bat-"man-love"/Robin thing.

LOL! New Poll.

a. Batman loves Robin
b. Frodo loves Samwise
c. Magneto loves The Refrigerator
d. Tom Cruise loves Katie Holmes
e. Joanie loves Chachie

Re:Ah yes, become a superhero!

[PenguinRigger]

Damn, you too?

Re:Batman's weakness

[tomhudson]

http://www.health24.com/sex/Glossary/1253-1271,263 53.asp [health24.com]

Doggie style

Also known as rear entry. Sexual position in which a person who is on all fours is penetrated from the rear, either vaginally or anally.

Turns out that the "other" doggie style is the most used:

Survey says "Doggie Style" is most used sexual position:

Husband begs for 2 hours
Wife rolls over and plays dead

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[hunterx11]

A fast enough softball could take out a few city blocks

:)

Re:riches wont do you any good

[way2trivial]

religon vs. being high?

to an agnostic, there is a WHOLE LOTTA things running in parallel

Re:Cut to the chase - $3.4 million

[AEton]

I think the people in Wayne Enterprises all work on parts and pieces of the projects, never really knowing what they were for

And one day, they're going to wake up and find they've been transported to a mysterious, magical cave with compound numbers scribbled on the walls. One by one, they'll die to the traps until only poor confused Robin makes it out of the cave alive.

Re: What happened to the batman geek?

[batlock666]

Behind Blue Eyes:

No one knows what it's like
to be the Batman

Re:Batman's weakness

[wdr1]

I thought that was why he kept Robin around?

-Bill

Re:What's wrong with America

[russotto]

You're talking about a guy who came up with a diabolical plan involving taking over commercial airplanes to knock down several large, occupied buildings, successfully executed said plan, and you're objecting to the idea that he has an underground lair? The man's certainly supervillian material (though more Bond than comic book, I'll grant you).