Chimps Found Making Own Weapons to Hunt for Food

Pojut writes "The Washington Post has an article involving chimps and weapons. Apparently, there have been direct observations of chimps in the west African savannah modifying sticks to create spears. They then use these spears to kill small mammals and eat them. It is the first time that an animal other than a human has been directly observed in crafting a weapon for the purpose of hunting or killing."

The next stage of evolution...

[LiquidCoooled]

The next stage of evolution won't be long now.

In a few years scientists will discover the monkeys have learnt how to lash these sticks together to make chairs.

Throwing these at their prey is more effective because it fucking kills them.

Get your Stinking Paws off me, you damn dirty ape!

[rednip]

We need to nip this in the bud, before they learn to ride horses, shoot guns, speak english and hunt humans for sport. But if they do, I for one welcome our new simian overlords, and I wish to remind you that as a programmer, I am fatty and full of cholesterol.

Yeah

[The Zon]

It is the first time that an animal other than a human has been directly observed in crafting a weapon for the purpose of hunting or killing.

Only because the squirrels are too slick to get caught.

This is news?

[Seantotheizzo]

That's nothing. They've already learned how to get into houses... White houses seem especially vulnerable.

Uh oh!

[Anonymous Coward]

What if they start killing endangered animals?

Animals are people too..

[mozumder]

.. just REALLY dumb people.

Chimps making weapons?

[Pikoro]

I would rather see them make peace...

Then they can show their human-like qualities and break it

Obligatory...

[Anonymous Coward]

I, for one, welcome our new weaponsmith chimps overlords.

Found a picture...

[Brad1138]

Here [msn.com]

We should invade.

[yotto]

I don't care what the UN says. Those weapons could be dangerous. If we got Hitler when he was at this stage, imagine how many people we'd have saved.

Hm...

[darkhitman]

By any chance, was a mysterious 1x4x9 slab of black stone found in the near vicinity, as well?

Re:Get your Stinking Paws off me, you damn dirty a

[Brad1138]

We need to nip this in the bud, before they learn to ride horses, shoot guns

Too late [msn.com]

Re:The next stage of evolution...

[bladx]

Developers, developers, developers...

We have a responsibility

[maynard]

We have a responsibility to teach our animal friends basic human rights. If we could, perhaps, show those chimps what REALLY happens [peta.org] with meat, perhaps we could convince them to go back to vegetarianism. Ya know, eat a banana like they're supposed to. We have perverted chimps. They see us, with our corndogs, beef jerky, egg mcmuffins and -- of course -- monkey see monkey do. We have to set an example.

To that end I've been feeding my cat oats and corn. The result is that she's thinner and healthier than ever! She was twenty two pounds before -- a total blubber cat -- yet now on this new diet she's down to less than five pounds and friendlier than ever! I mean -- like, duh -- of course cats want to join in with man and help the environment! Eating meat KILLS!!!

All we have to do is turn the animal kingdom vegetarian and not only will we have 'uplifted' them to ethical eating, but mother earth will love us back too. Hey, don't you love your mother?

UPDATE: Nearby females notice...

[dokebi]

Impressed by the male's display of agility, dexterity, and most importantly power, near by females were found hovering near the male, fluttering their eyelids, enticing them to come over and mate with them. Other males of the pack, noticing the effect of the impressive weapon, tried to out do one another, with longer sticks, and some with automatic tracking and friend-or-foe detection. However, the efforts of the beta males were judged by the females as too "nerdy".

I for one

[OiToTheWorld]

will be the first to worship the Holy Everlasting Bomb!

I, for one, would like to be the first to say...

[Old Man Kensey]

Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!

Re:Uh oh!

[FooGoo]

They will be taught multiculturalism

demands

[grimdawg]

I am the chimpanzee about whom TFA is written.

Indeed, my comrades and I have been plotting our takeover of this planet for some time. Many of us have infiltrated your puny laboratories to observe your cleverest specimens. We have been studying your ways and have chosen this moment to make public our newfound intelligence. Our terms are as follows:

1) We wish to rid ourselves of the stigma of chimps loving bananas. We prefer a balanced diet of various fruit and nuts (We have yet to try man-flesh, though it looks appetising). To this end, we demand a stop to all screenings of 'Bangers & Mash' and the destruction of all copies of 'The Secret of Monkey Island' and the 'Donkey Kong' series of games.

2) We do not protest the testing of cosmetics on chimpanzees, but we demand that trained beauty professionals conduct the testing instead of pimply grad students and chemists.

3) We demand the recognition of 'monolithism' as a religion in all nations, and the freedom to dance around large phallic monoliths 3 times per day.

4) Arrested Development is to return with new episodes. The character of 'Oscar Bluth' is to be gruesomely killed. We may prefer spears to firearms, but we will not tolerate stoner humour.

5) We demand that chimpanzees be allowed to play on the Men's PGA Golf Tour.

6) We demand not to be given the vote.

We do not want to go to war with the human race, only to coexist peacefully and with dignity. If you do not comply, we will direct all chimps working in WoW gold farms to stop immediately, thus destroying the US and Chinese economies in one fell swoop.

Respond within 3 hours.

P.S. We also like Law & Order. Goren is so unorthodox.

Re:This is not too surprizing.

[CrazyJim1]

I wouldn't worry about them getting the Bomb anytime soon, but making tools for various purposes has been observered. But typing Shakesphere is more likely with our fancy word processing software. Then again, who do you think would type Shakesphere first, a room full of a million monkeys with word processors, or a room full of a million Shakesphere trained parrots who are using Vista speech recognition?

Re:We should invade.

[Jurrasic]

Won't happen. For Dubya to call for an invasion on the chimps, he would have to admit beliving in evolution first. :p

Disturbing revelations

[edwardpickman]

The american government is concerned with other recent developments. Chimps were observed trying to build centrifuges out of bamboo and coconuts in an effort to refine Uranium. The chimpazzes claim it is intended for peaceful purposed but most feel they are pushing for economic assistence. Plans for bannana jacketed hydrogen bomb scratched in the dirt are believed to be more a threat than a reality. Although most engineers do think the design would work they doubt the chimpanzees have sufficent uranium since they are dependant on the glowing hands of watches stolen from ecotourist as a sole source of nuclear material.

Re:But from where...

[Marko DeBeeste]

Black Monolith.

Re:Semantics

[Anonymous Coward]

...Nothing new here...

Obviously you are not a small mammal on the West African savannah!

Next headline

[Elsan]

"Chimps found making own catapults to fling poo"

Re:Get your Stinking Paws off me, you damn dirty a

[boaworm]

and I wish to remind you that as a programmer, I am fatty and full of cholesterol

Chimp 1: This one is fatty and full of cholesterol
Chimp 2: Mmm... bacon!

Weapons Smuggled In

[MrSteveSD]

They're not actually making the weapons themselves. The Whitehouse says they are being made in Iran and smuggled in. There's no firm evidence, but it's true.

Re:But from where...

[aquabat]

Making a weapon requires foresight into the possible effects they may have. I seriously doubt chimps have such cognitive skills.

IAAC, and I take exception to that remark. You humans think you're so superior. Let's see what kind of foresight y'all have expressed recently:

nuclear weapons

the internal combustion engine

cod fishing on the Grand Banks

clearcutting of rainforest in Brazil to raise cattle

software patents

the patriot act

"the solution to pollution is dilution"

lawyers

If you know to whom my sig is attributed, then you probably know how I think all this is going to end.

Re:Get your Stinking Paws off me, you damn dirty a

[Anonymous Coward]

I am fatty and full of cholesterol. ...and as a skinny person who is a bit familiar with the cullinary arts, I'd like to remind them that fat == flavor. Lean meat tends to be tough, stringy and bland in taste.

Re:It's not just the chimps.

[Anonymous Coward]

I agree though, that there's something more sophisticated about sharpening, vs. bending. At least a little, anyway.

Perhaps opposable thumbs?

Re:But from where...

[DreamingReal]

I would like to know if this is a learned behavior from an outside source or if this is simply something they have discovered on their own.

You raise an interesting and controversial question. According to an unofficial source on the research team, one of the research assistants allowed several of the chimps to use his PSP and play GTA: Liberty City Stories. Soon after, those same chimps were observed stabbing the bush babies. The source went on to say that the connection is being kept hush-hush as several people on the team are avid gamers and don't want to lend ammunition to the Lieberman argument that violent video games inspire violent behavior. Needless to say, they are very worried about what will happen if the chimps encounter any Senegali automobiles and/or hookers.

Re:It's not just the chimps.

[Herby Sagues]

Now that there's reliable intelligence indicating that the chimps in Senegal are building weapons, an US led invasion should not be far.

Re:Very interesting.

[BluBrick]

I find the combination of your comment and your sig particularly disturbing.

Re:The next stage of evolution...

[TekPolitik]

The next stage of evolution won't be long now... In a few years scientists will discover the monkeys have learnt how to lash these sticks together to make chairs.

Nah, in the next stage the chimps will learn to trade the spears with gorillas to get food. Then they will trade spears with a rival tribe of gorillas for more food. Then they will sit back, watch the gorillas kill eachother, then eat the gorillas.

After all, if Ronald Regan can do this with gorillas* in South America, the chimps can do it with gorillas in Africa.

* Yes, I know you don't spell it that way.

Re:We should invade.

[slickwillie]

Another group of chimps was observed to be enriching uranium, but they claimed it was for peaceful purposes.

Re:But from where...

[Laser Lou]

IAAC, and I take exception to that remark. You humans think you're so superior. Let's see what kind of foresight y'all have expressed recently:

nuclear weapons

the internal combustion engine

cod fishing on the Grand Banks

clearcutting of rainforest in Brazil to raise cattle

software patents

the patriot act

"the solution to pollution is dilution"

lawyers

You forgot to include Slashdot in that list.

Re:But from where...

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, obviously they learned it from somewhere else just as most people. You think humans are the only ones on the planet who know how to google?

Don't worry

[Cervantes]

Don't worry, Christ-lovers. They were designed to learn to do that . ;)

Okay, so what's going on...

[CptNerd]

Is some Galactic species Uplifting one of our client species behind our backs, or is the Sol system moving out of the Slow Zone?

Re:Get your Stinking Paws off me, you damn dirty a

[pete-classic]

This little monkey could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape responsible for the fall of the human race. In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey- the monkey will spank us. And after the fall of man, these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image. Oh and only those as super smart as me will be left alive to bitterly cry - *you maniacs*! Damn yous! Goddamn yous all to hell!

--Jay in "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"

Shocks!

[Drask Terleir]

Microsoft are using tools now? Amazing!

OBL: Planet of the Apes Quote

[powerlord]

Well it looks like we know what happens in the event we ...

[last lines]
George Taylor: Oh my God. I'm back. I'm home. All the time, it was... We finally really did it.
[screaming]
George Taylor: You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Hmm, Well now

[SQLz]

Now all they have to do is discover religion so they can deny they evolved.

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[account_deleted]

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Re:Get your Stinking Paws off me, you damn dirty a

[edwardpickman]

Alright the photo puts tool use to bed but I still say they'll never learn to speak English.

Re:As soon as Bush finds out...

[Lawrence_Bird]

Shhhhh.. this is a DARPA project to increase the size of the Army back
to 1,000,000

Re:But from where...

[The Great Pretender]

Okay, apart from nuclear weapons, the internal combustion engine, cod fishing on the Grand Banks, clearcutting of rainforest in Brazil to raise cattle, software patents, the patriot act, "the solution to pollution is dilution", lawyers, computers, spacefaring vehicles, medicine, communication networks, agriculture...what did the Romans ever do for us?

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[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:But from where...

[Yoda's Mum]

The Aqueduct?

Re:But from where...

[smallfries]

You splitter bastards!

I spit on the Judean People's Front.

Re:Yeah

[mashade]

Looks like a crowbar to me.

Badum bum...

in other news....

[TheCybernator]

.... mr bush declared war against all chimps claiming they have amassed weapons of mass destruction.

God save the chimps!!

Re:Get your Stinking Paws off me, you damn dirty a

[Anonymous Coward]

I still say they'll never learn to speak English.

Ah, but you're wrong. My proof, a chimp found speaking the following words:

"I'm the Decider! I decide! I've decided you've done a great job, Brownie!"

I rest my case.

Re:But from where...

[MrNiceguy_KS]

What your terrier doesn't know is that the lab has been sharpening a stick.

Re:But from where...

[Anonymous Coward]

So Americans descended from the common chimp, and Europeans descended from the Bonobos?

Re:But from where...

[MightyYar]

No fair, at least four of those items can be attributed to politicians, not humans.

Re:But from where...

[plunge]

I dunno: the bonobo strategy of having sex with you in order to relieve stress would be pretty incapacitating. Imagine a platoon of soldiers coming upon a platoon of naked prostitutes. It's not immediately obvious who would come out on top of that encounter.

Re:But from where...

[kidcharles]

It's not immediately obvious who would come out on top of that encounter.

Even if you were on the bottom in that encounter, it might still be fun.