Bogus Company Obtains Nuclear License

i_like_spam writes "As reported in the NY Times, undercover investigators from the Government Accountability Office set up a bogus company and received a license to purchase dirty-bomb nuclear materials from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. The GAO's investigation shows that the security measures put in place after 911 are not sufficient for protecting the American people." From the article: "Given that terrorists have expressed an interest in obtaining nuclear material, the Congress and the American people expect licensing programs for these materials to be secure, said Gregory D. Kutz, an investigator at the accountability office, in testimony prepared for the hearing."

The GAO Application

[Anonymous Coward]

Section One: Information
Name: Fakey McNukesTheWhales
Organization: The Organization Against Liberal Rags (TOALR)
Use (check all that apply):

• X Academic
• X Business
• _ Terrorism

Intended goals (from above use):

• X Making Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
• _ Energy
• _ College Prank
• _ Covertly refining yellow cake uranium with a heated gas filled centrifuge spinning at the speed of sound so that the isotope U235 separates from the heavier U238 therefore making the core of the dirty bomb powerful enough to strike down the heathen George W. Bush and all American citizens--PRAISE ALLAH!

Section Two: Behavioral
Question One: You are walking down the street and you see a box of puppies. Do you

1. _ Take the puppies home and sell them for profit.
2. X Hug the puppies and love them until you can find their owner.
3. _ Curb stomp the puppies

Question Two: You are approached by a man claiming to be from Nigeria offering you nuclear warheads with green, white & red striped flags on them. Do you

1. X Ask the man for his name and inform the NRC of his proposition.
2. _ Buy his warheads and forget he ever said anything about his nationality.
3. _ Curb stomp the man

Question Three: You enter a voting booth on election day but don't know any of the candidates. Do you

1. _ Vote Democrat.
2. X Vote Republican.
3. _ You're too busy to vote.

--
For Internal Office Use Only:
X Approved _ Rejected

See, they only answered one question wrong (the correct answer for Question Two in Section Two was the third option), the system works!

blue zig AYB.

[eneville]

"Oh no, someone has set us up the bomb!"

received a license to purchase...

[niceone]

received a license to purchase dirty-bomb nuclear materials

I'd kind of expect that just filling in the "Dirty-bomb materials licence form" would lead to instant arrest.

I know the solution

[crayz]

We need more blanket wiretaps, data mining, and american citizens and legal residents 'disappeared' into military prisons. We've clearly exhausted every imaginable constitutional & non-invasive security measure

Re:Dirty Bomb?

[otacon]

Apparently someone doesn't watch 24, there are atleast 2 to 10 terrorist attack attempts every hour, and we are always only seconds away from stopping them. Yes, some of them are dirty bombs. Maybe someone should educate themselves before posting...

Re:The GAO Application

[Anonymous Coward]

Intended goals (from above use):
* _ College Prank

The funniest college pranks are the ones that end with "Dude! You've got cancer!"

Re:The GAO Application

[Ihlosi]

See, they only answered one question wrong (the correct answer for Question Two in Section Two was the third option),

Not quite. The correct answer for question one, section two is, of course, #1. Only liberal socialist commie hippies would pass up a chance for profit.

Re:blue zig AYB.

[tttonyyy]

"Oh no, someone has set us up the bomb!"

That's too obvious - you should've tried the lolcat [wikipedia.org] approach:

"Im in ur Nuclear Regulatory Commission discrediting ur security measures"

Now that's one hell of a cat.

Nooooo!

[toQDuj]

>not sufficient for protecting the American people.

Nooooo! Poor widdle Americans! Awwww. *Hugs Americans*

B.

"Dirty" as in "dust bunnies" or "sex"?

[Anonymous Coward]

Sorry, I'm unfamiliar with this conversation
Are we talking "dirty" as in when my mistress master tells me "you're a dirty, dirty boy"
or are we talking "dirty" as in when my mistress master tells me "clean up those dirty dust bunnies under the couch"

Re:The GAO Application

[Gregb05]

Actually, the correct answer for that question was a write in:
"Train them as hunting dogs"

Re:Law not sufficient

[tomhudson]

" The idea with the terrorist dirty bomb would not be to get it to explode it would be to wrap the radioactive material around a conventional explosive get around helicopter height in a city with skyscapers and then explode it. The material would be embedded in the walls of the building or shatter glass and be enbedded in the floors and interior walls of the building; and possibly people.

Then based on the anthrax attacks it would require that the building be destroied. It would be the perfect terrorist attack, fiarly easiy to do provided you have the materials, and huge amount of destruction.

Screw the nuclear crap. Just hose the building in dioxin [wikipedia.org] or ricin [wikipedia.org]. There's a reason why biologicals have been called "The Poor Man's Nuke."

Or you could use [REDACTED] along with [REDACTED] and really cause a panic. Just [REDACTED], and make sure you [REDACTED]; then just dump [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] or [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] near any convenient [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] - and run like hell.

Hold on, there's some suits from the [REDACTED] who want to talk with me ...

Re:The funny thing is

[CmdrGravy]

Additionally, the following highlights the difference between American and Glasweigan responses to terrorism.

America:"Oh my God! there was a man on fire, he was running about, i just
ran for my life..i thought i was gonna die,he got so close to me"
Glasgow: "C*nt wis running aboot on fire,so a ran up 'n gave him a good
boot,then decked him"

America:"I just wanna get home,away from here..i just wanna get home,i
thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:"here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a f*ckin' plane!"

America:"there was pandemonium,people were running in all directions, we
didn't know what was happening, I thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow:"F*ck this fir a kerry oan,moan we ll get a pint in"

America:"We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister,and
was trying to get into his trunk,i thought we were gonna die,i just ran for
my life" Glasgow:"a swaggered by the motor that wis on fire,and the dafty
couldnae even open his boot,he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a
good boot to the baws"

America:there was this huge explosion,it sounded like war,i thought i was
gonna die"
Glasgow:"There wis a bang,yi know when yi throw B.O basher intae a fire it
wis like that"

America:"i'm too traumatised even to speak,i thought i was gonna die"
Glasgow "here mate,gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear,if am gonna be
oan the telly a want her tae tape it"

Re:I know the solution

[nelsonal]

This can only end in the worlds longest samba line, party on dudes!

Jumping Gigawatts!

[Anonymous Coward]

So I pissed off those Libyan terrorists for nothing?

Re:The GAO Application

[FunkyELF]

Wow, did you mean to post that as an anonymous coward?
I wouldn't be showing off my knowledge of dirty bombs (if I had such knowledge) (which I don't) (...nor will I ever) (I love America).

Re:The GAO Application

[wiredlogic]

Question One: You are walking down the street and you see a box of puppies. Do you

1. _ Take the puppies home and sell them for profit.
2. X Hug the puppies and love them until you can find their owner.
3. _ Curb stomp the puppies

Definitely a Nexus 6.

Re:The GAO Application

[stonecypher]

Chances are if he says the bomb is made out of marshmallows and pixie dust, the NSA won't go after him; since that's about as accurate as the explanation he gave, I'm willing to bet that he's in the clear.

Re:The GAO Application

[Intron]

"caesium is the spelling used by the IUPAC, although since 1993 it has recognized cesium as a variant as well" -- Wikipedia [wikipedia.org]

You have fulfilled the rule that every arrogant correction contains a glaring misteeke.