Air Force Mistakenly Transports Live Nukes Across America

kernel panic attack writes "Surely the late Stanley Kubrick is somewhere smiling at this one. Forbes.com has a story about a B-52 Bomber that mistakenly flew 6-nuclear tipped cruise missles across several states last week. The 3-hour flight took the plane from Minot Air Force Base, N.D, to Barksdale Air Force Base, La., on Aug. 30. The incident was so serious that President Bush and Defense Secretary Robert Gates were quickly informed and Gates has asked for daily briefings on the Air Force probe, said Defense Department press secretary Geoff Morrell."

We got some flyin' to do

[GoatRavisher]

Well, boys, I reckon this is it - nuclear combat toe to toe with the Roosskies. Now look, boys, I ain't much of a hand at makin' speeches, but I got a pretty fair idea that something doggone important is goin' on back there. And I got a fair idea the kinda personal emotions that some of you fellas may be thinkin'. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be human bein's if you didn't have some pretty strong personal feelin's about nuclear combat. I want you to remember one thing, the folks back home is a-countin' on you and by golly, we ain't about to let 'em down. I tell you something else, if this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I'd say that you're all in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this thing's over with. That goes for ever' last one of you regardless of your race, color or your creed. Now let's get this thing on the hump - we got some flyin' to do.

So how many weapons were involved?

[jollyreaper]

Some news sources say five, some say six.

I know what you're thinking. 'Did they lose six warheads or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. You've got to ask yourself a question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?"

While somebody in Ramstein

[iminplaya]

is still waiting for their baggage to show up.

Re:So how many weapons were involved?

[Dr. Eggman]

It's was six, but one of them was released from the bombbay, ridden by a crazed cowboy Major.

What first tipped them off

[proverbialcow]

"B-52, this is the United States Air Force. You have entered U.S. airspace. If you do not leave immediately, we will be forced to open fire."

In Soviet Russia...

[the MaD HuNGaRIaN]

Nuclear missiles fly YOU over several states!!!!

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[blugu64]

You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!

Re:So how many weapons were involved?

[the_tsi]

The game's up, President. There are no more missiles left on that plane.

Oh, c'mon, you don't expect me to fall for that old trick.

It's not a trick! There was one launched at Mr. Body in the study, two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.

That's not six.

One plus two plus two plus one.

Uh-uh. There was only one nuke that got the chandelier. That one plus two plus ONE plus one.

Even if you're right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus two plus one plus one.

Alright, fine, one plus two plus one..........SHUT-UP!

Re:We have 3 options here

[noidentity]

"a plane can always find the most depopulated areas to fly over. Trucks and trains don't have that option."

They could always create a new depopulated area to drive through...

Re:Why is this even a story?

[Smallpond]

"why the hell are we decommissioning cruise missiles"

Didn't you read the label?

Best if used before Sept. 2007

Re:Three and a half hours is a long time

[0xC2]

The crew members will all die early and mysterious deaths within 5 or 6 years. I've got to finish wallpapering my apartment in aluminum foil now...

Re:Mistakenly?

[skeeto]

How exactly does one mistakenly mount nuclear weapons on a plain?

Because it is easier than mounting nuclear weapons on a prairie?

Re:Three and a half hours is a long time

[Ethanol-fueled]

Maybe they were running CAMS on Windows Millenium Edition.

Hrmmm

[highwaytohell]

Didnt Sideshow Bob do this once? Perhpas the crew flew cross country to eradicate television. My oh my cartoons have a lot to answer for.

Re:Why is this even a story?

[Plutonite]

Oh please, they were just 6 nukes. My grandma handles more dangerous payloads everyday. Stop whining. Plus, traveling over the fly-over states the pilot probably wouldn't have noticed if he dropped any. Less cows, maybe. Only gripe I have with those fellas is they didn't mistakenly head up north and have an accident, ridding us of the friggin canadians once and for all. We'll never have an opportunity like this again. This could've been the answer to Celine Dion.

Immediately after Bush was informed...

[r_jensen11]

...he continued to read a story to a classroom of young children.

Obligatory

[Stormwatch]

"I know there's one country in the world that doesn't have some horrible weapon of mass destruction, they don't have some horrible weapons lab in the mountains... Jamaica. They would never make an atomic bomb. They may make an atomic bong. But I'd rather fight a war with an atomic bong. Cuz when the atomic bomb goes off there's devastation and radiation. When the atomic bong goes off there's celebration!" -- Robin Williams

So....

[Anonymous Coward]

Has anyone called Jack Bauer yet???

Re:New Foreign Policy Change...

[truckaxle]

Sounds like the Bush administration is really starting to take a "tough" stanch against terrorism now

Or maybe just those Godless blue states.

Re:I don't think that's the problem

[Bill, Shooter of Bul]

Right because its usually Standard procedure to crash a plane loaded with normal cruise missiles? Or perhaps the plane might get called into active duty in mid flight and deploy its weaponry? or the crew normally sells half of the inventory to the first shady looking guy standing next to the fence of the airport when they land?

What extra precautions would you advise someone carrying nukes as opposed to conventional weapons?

Scene in cockpit

[Plutonite]

Central Command: Blue Bird C451, this is central, do you copy.
C541: Copy, over.
Central Command: We have good news and bad news for you, over.
C541: Ready to reciev orders, over.
Central Command: Good news is you're going to be famous. Now your payload..
C541: Yes Sir.
Central Command: Can you verify your current payload?
C541: Kidney beans and tomatoes sir, over.
[Muffled laughter, static]
Central Command: Actually, those are nuclear warheads on your left wing, lieutenant.
C541: Spicy kidney beans? Over.

Broken Arrow!

[blingbing]

"We have a Broken Arrow"
"A what?"
"A Broken Arrow. It's when we lose a nuclear weapon."
"I don't know what's scarier, the fact that we lost nukes or the fact that it happens often enough that we have a name for it"

Re:We have 3 options here

[speaker of the truth]

B-52s are an evolving aircraft

Does George Bush know about them? I can't imagine he'd be too happy if he did.

Re:Why is this even a story?

[Plutonite]

Moderators: WOOOOOOOOSH! That's the sound of sarcasm being accidentally flown over your head.

Re:Why is this even a story?

[SpectreHiro]

Come on mods... this was clearly tongue in cheek. Except the part about Celine Dion, of course. Nuclear annihilation just isn't enough in some cases.

Re:Why is this even a story?

[nebosuke]

He was downmodded because the need to nuke Celine Dion is most certainly not a laughing matter.

Meanwhile...

[Anonymous Coward]

....the Iranian army today is still trying to figure out why three dummy missiles were dropped on Tehran....

Re:We have 3 options here

[devnulljapan]

We can drive the nukes across the country, we can throw them on a train, or we can fly them.

Hey, Sam-I-Am [wikipedia.org], You forgot:
put them in a box,
pack them with a fox.
keep them in a house,
keep them with a mouse.
store those nukes here or there.
store those nukes anywhere.
I do not like that Sam-I-Am.

Re:Terrorist.....who????

[Provocateur]

What do you think could be the worse story?

That the pilot was wearing adult diapers in her cross country flight in a last ditch attempt at reuniting with an old flame? And that she would use 'whatever she had onboard' to win him back?

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[ozmanjusri]

Interesting article, and given that the consensus elsewhere is that it would be impossible to "accidentally" move the nukes without higher approval, it looks believable. I'm wondering if they weren't intended to be used as a frame-up?

1. Fire nuke-tipped but partially disabled (chemical explosion only) cruise missiles at centrifuge sites in Iran
2. Follow up with the other 1,200 missiles
3. Find weapons grade material scattered around centrifuge sites
4. ?????
5. Profit!

Ascii art

[Cassius Corodes]

I think we ought to add ASCII art to the axis of evil

In the next episode of 24 -

[unity100]

Bauer saves the america by manually defusing falling nuclear warheads in mid-air, without a parachute.

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[twilight30]

Mein Fuhrer! I can walk!!

Re:We have 3 options here

[dreadclown]

It's OK, it's intelligent design.

They'll believe anything

[mattr]

So which SqlServer bug will be blamed for this coup attemp^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hbureaucratic foulup?

Nukes on plane?

[Lodewijk]

And I was not even allowed to check in toothpaste.

Re:Mistakenly?

[martin-boundary]

How exactly does one mistakenly mount nuclear weapons on a plain?

Well, the military aren't exactly known for their intelligence... In fact, that's why there's a special branch of the armed forces called military intelligence. They do the thinking for everybody, but on that day Larry was on the can, Curly had to check on some frying sausages in the kitchen, and Moe was briefing the president via webcam on the situation in Nicaragua and this was taking a little... longer... than it should.

Re:Mistakenly?

[Kelz]

Imagine the crew's reaction when they found out after landing!

"Enough is ENOUGH! I have HAD it with these MOTHERFUCKING NUKES on this MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!"

Funny-point farming aside... this scares the living shit out of me. The fact that we were TOLD means that either the people in charge of locking this shit down are incompetent (scary), or it was leaked to cover up for something even worse (scarier).

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[New Number Order]

Now then, Dmitri, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Bomb...

The *Bomb*, Dmitri... The *hydrogen* bomb!...

Well now, what happened is... ahm... one of our base commanders, he had a sort of... well, he went a little funny in the head... you know... just a little... funny. And, ah... he went and did a silly thing... Well, I'll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes... to attack your country...

Ah... Well, let me finish, Dmitri... Let me finish, Dmitri... Well listen, how do you think I feel about it?... Can you *imagine* how I feel about it, Dmitri?...

cargo, lots and lots of cargo

[misanthrope101]

Well, the B-52 does in fact carry large amounts of cargo, which it unceremoniously unloads when flying over the destination. Getting someone to sign for that cargo at the end point has, historically, been a bit of a problem, but with this particular bird they chalk that up as a feature rather than a bug.

Re:Why is this even a story?

[Ours]

Get your facts straight guys. She's in Vegas now. That's in Nevada, same state where they did nuke tests. There is still hope.

grin

[Bastard of Subhumani]

Surely the late Stanley Kubrick is somewhere smiling at this one

Well assuming some decay and/or shrinking of soft tissues in the face which might lead to his teeth being exposed, you might get that impression, yes.

Re:The worst that could have happened

[POTSandPANS]

To lose track of one warhead - much less FIVE - is a very serious transgression.

Wasn't it SIX?? Dammit.. How do we keep losing these things??

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[somersault]

Commander Taco *is* a bioweapon. Anthrax doesn't even approach his spice levels.

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[RDW]

'Is there any special circuitry that says THIS ACTION REQUIRES THE HIGHEST AUTHORIZATION?'

I think the menu looks like this:

(1) CONVENTIONAL WARHEAD - press any key to fire.

(2) NUCLEAR WARHEAD - enter 4-digit PIN.

(3) SONY LITHIUM-ION BATTERY - DIRECT PRESIDENTIAL AUTHORIZATION REQUIRED! UNAUTHORIZED DEPLOYMENT OF WMDs IS A CAPITAL OFFENCE!

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[StarfishOne]

The spice expands consciousness~ ^_^

Re:Your are wrong

[Professor_UNIX]

so who is the terrorist then ? ask the other 6 billion - 275 million people on this planet. Terrorists attack people to create fear to promote their agenda, the United States attacks people for access to natural resources. Get it right dumbass.

Imagine if they fell into the wrong hands

[HangingChad]

Could you imagine Kansas getting their hands on nukes? We'd all have three weeks to start implementing intelligent design in science class and ban gay people or they start the rain of fire!

Re:Your are wrong

[Anonymous Coward]

We need to know where you live ... Got any oil?

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[mikael]

To me it sounds like silo-rattling to scare certain middle-eastern countries.

Otherwise they have two piles of missiles - one with big happy smiley faces with "just kidding" written alongside, and the other with a big red unhappy face with "0wned!" alongside.

Re:We have 3 options here

[Idarubicin]

They weren't supposed to be transported to begin with.

Why would you put something not supposed to be transported on the tip of a cruise missile?

Sheesh. The military mind.

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[gardyloo]

I don't know if the one in the link has been recovered (it was the only one that I remember that wasn't classified), but it has been sitting in the mud off the coast of Georgia for about 50 years.

Well, that explains one of the red states.

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[bhsurfer]

The Spice Girls expand consciousness. [brain explodes]

Re:Ascii art

[ArcLinux]

Not Acsii but its cool

http://www.militaryimages.net/photopost/data/642/4 4t-b52.jpg [militaryimages.net]

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[Jehosephat2k]

c.f. - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxrWz9XVvls [youtube.com]

NO

[Brian Lewis]

Maybe they were going "accidently" nuke new orleans...

we can only hope.

IYAAYAS!

[aquatone282]

AMMO!

For those unfamiliar with Air Force traditions, IYAAYAS stands for If You Ain't Ammo, You Ain't Shit

Members of Air Force munitions squadrons, responsible for the storage, handling, and loading of weapons on USAF aircraft, are a notoriously independent bunch. Except when transporting and loading weapons on aircraft, they live in their own tightly guarded compounds (REALLY tight if storing nukes). Some say this is to limit access to the weapons, but many in the Air Force believe it's to limit exposure to the "special" breed of troop that spends his days counting BBs. This seclusion has given them their own separate identity, which they proudly proclaim with the above acronym as well as shouting AMMO! in unison whenever their squadron is mentioned.

Something [usatoday.com] tells we won't be hearing AMMO! yelled around Minot AFB for a while. . .

Re:We got some flyin' to do

[flappinbooger]

silo rattling, like for instance -

"Golly Gee, We've got SO STINKING MANY nukes around here we can't keep 'em all straight. They're just laying around! I've got one in my desk drawer, and another in my trunk. I took one home for my kids to play with. They're in VENDING MACHINES over here! Sometimes we just strap 'em on our planes and fly around for kicks! Don't make us nervous, cuz, we might accidentally shoot off a rocket, and it might have a nuke on it. We're good at that, you know, shooting off rockets..."

Re:Your are wrong

[Anonymous Coward]

We really don't want the people who take care of our nuclear arsenal to get confused about their inventory.

From: [e-mail]
To: [e-mail]

Dude, I toldya five times already... the live ones are coded OMGWTFBBQ, and the fakies are ROFLCOPTER.

Quit fucking up or I'll suspend your ass with pay.

--1_1

Re:Grammar

[dan828]

Except this was just a "would've" spelled incorrectly as "would of". But frankly, I find all of this idiotic. There is no reason to maintain traditional spellings. Everything should be spelled phonetically, and then we could quit wasting our time on this crap. Just think of all the mindless drudgery our students would be saved from if they didn't have to learn to spell.