Uwe Boll To Quit Making Movies With 1M Signatures

An anonymous reader writes to mention that Uwe Boll, the infamous German director behind such video game adaptations as House of the Dead, BloodRayne, Dungeon Siege and Postal, has recently admitted that he would retire from making movies if enough people want him to stop. When FearNet mentioned to Boll a petition online signed by 18,000 people requesting that he cease making films, Boll responded that '18,000 is not enough to convince me.' So how much would be enough? 'One million,' Boll said."

Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[OMNIpotusCOM]

Where do I sign? Do you need blood? Money? A donation? How many times can I sign? Fucking I'LL SIGN!

A Challenge

[whisper_jeff]

Bad move. Never challenge geeks. We'll always find a way to overcome.

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[diegocgteleline.es]

Uwe Boll is the worst director EVER.

Which is why you shouldn't sign the petition. His films are so bad that they're wonderful. Don't listen the gamers.

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[jollyreaper]

Having never seen a Uwe Boll movie, can someone tell me what's so bad about him? He's got some serious hate going on on the internet, and I'm just a bit curious as to why?

Imagine a modern hog factory farm, imagine the veritable rivers of semi-liquid feces squelching downhill from the oinking, shuffling pigflesh. Imagine a rope around your leg, the far end attached to a speedboat. Imagine being pulled backwards through that stinking mass, mouth clenched tight against your bile but still the runny shit makes it up your nostrils and down your throat, between your eyelids, burning your retinas, the impact of the brown waves against your body like sledgehammers.

If you can tell me what's so bad about that, I can tell you what's so bad about Uwe Boll movies.

Re:Good lord...

[tachyonflow]

That, you autistic dorks, was what normal people call a "joke".

Those of us with a sense of humor find signing the petition to also be quite funny. :)

Re:A Challenge

[calebt3]

Oh of course. We stopped OOXML's ISO fast-tracking cold.

and after all this time

[joeflies]

I never realized that the "Springtime for Hitler" scam in The Producers was for real!

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[XxtraLarGe]

He makes your eyes bleed... seriously. (I've tried to watch some of his stuff, I couldn't take it)

Maybe he should change his name to Ewe Bola!
Ba-dum-dum!
Thanks, I'll be here all week!

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[OMNIpotusCOM]

Thank you, ok, clicked the link. Sign petition button... they want my name... alright, Wil...Wheaton... email, wil@...wilwheaton.net... comment. Oh, this should be good. Alright, "Dr Shitboll, if the Special Olympics had a movie-making competition, you would win a medal... and not just one for participation like Wes Anderson."

There, that should do it. Well now Wil can't petition... he probably wouldn't use his own name anyway. I'm sure he'd go with Brent Spiner or something. Ok, done and done.

Re:Sign the petition!

[dvanduzer]

He can't possibly challenge all of us to boxing matches, right?

Re:Does he know about Teh Internets?

[dougmc]

To be fair, if the list does hit one million, he'll just claim fraud. And based on your comment, he'd actually be right.

Way to go! Uwe Boll will continue making video game movies, even if the petition reaches one million signatures -- and it'll be YOUR, peragrin's, fault.

(Granted, I don't expect him to stop even if the petition does hit one million unique, verifiable signatures, but still, I'll blame you.)

Reverse Pyschology

[Herkum01]

I would think the fewer number of signatures would result in him having an increased chance of quiting. If they got 1 million signatures, that would mean that nearly 1 million people actually heard of him! He could claim that he has the presence to draw large numbers of people to his movies!

If he was only able to get 20~ 25,000 signatures no studio is going to look at and say "His works are so beloved that they are not complaining about him!" His career would be over.

The opposite of love is indifference. If you want his career over ignore him.

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[Mr. Bad Example]

> Having never seen a Uwe Boll movie, can someone tell me what's so bad about him?

Perhaps this review [agonybooth.com] of his version of Alone in the Dark will be instructive (as well as entertaining).

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[Anonymous Coward]

what about the Mystery Science Theater 3000s and Cinematic Titanics of the future? Where will they buy the rights to destroy movies for a couple thousand dollars?

Obviously you haven't been keeping up with Hollywood's latest technology. At this point you could do a whole season of MST3k just by hitting IMDB and doing a search for any movie featuring a dragon.

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[phallstrom]

You work for the US Government's Torture Oversight Committee don't you?

Ever try to set up 950,000 Gmail accounts?

[edwardpickman]

It's a lot of work but worth it.

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[glwtta]

what about the Mystery Science Theater 3000s and Cinematic Titanics of the future?

The problem is, there's nothing "so bad, it's good" about his movies, they are in what I like to call the "Shat Out With the Least Amount of Effort" category - not much MST3K can do with that.

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[Psmylie]

And won't someone please think of all the B-movie actors who would be out of a job?

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[OldManAndTheC++]

Imagine a modern hog factory farm, imagine the veritable rivers of semi-liquid feces squelching downhill from the oinking, shuffling pigflesh. Imagine a rope around your leg, the far end attached to a speedboat. Imagine being pulled backwards through that stinking mass, mouth clenched tight against your bile but still the runny shit makes it up your nostrils and down your throat, between your eyelids, burning your retinas, the impact of the brown waves against your body like sledgehammers.

Or to put it another way, if you were to take the paragraph above and adapt it as a screenplay, the result would be better than any Uwe Boll movie.

Re:A Challenge

[San-LC]

Yeah, tell that to Ron Paul.

Re:Sign the petition!

[Kozz]

Ed Gruberman, is that you?

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[Hoi Polloi]

Come on spammers and botnet scammers, we need your l33t skills to get 1 million names entered in. Just use the ones you put in the "from" line.

How many signatures ....

[PPH]

... will it take to stop Vista SP2?

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[Wizard Drongo]

Heh, brings to mind a description on a torrent site of the first (and co-incidentally last) I ever saw. I had to download it after I saw this. I thought it couldn't be that bad... I was wrong. Here's the quote: "Without doubt, this is the worst film ever made, and probably that will ever be made. It is not worth the cost of a cinema ticket, it is not worth the cost of the power it took to keep my computer running to download it, it is not worth the cost of the power to keep your tv on as you watch it. It is not even worth killing the electrons that power that tv's tube, infinitesimal though their brief, tortured lives were. Avoid."

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[SoulDrift]

he probably wouldn't use his own name anyway .

Yeah, he'd probably come up with some sort of clever nickname.

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[Poltras]

Is there a C-movie category for him? Because even B-actors often regrets having been in one of his movies...

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[Anonymous Coward]

Just fodder for his next movie?... he was a director on the edge.... then they closed the loophole... Uwe Boll and Matt Damon star in Fluster Cuck II the reckoning.

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[Teflon_Jeff]

And now I've signed. This may be the best use of the internet ever. I knew Al gore invented it for a reason.

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[Gazzonyx]

[...] Thanks, I'll be here all week!

...I was afraid you were going to say that after a lame pun!
Remember, kids, puns are the lowest possible form of comedy with the sole exception of 'lolcatz'. Rickrolls, now those are funny!

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[glittalogik]

The problem is not that he's making movies, it's the movies he's making. He's being put at the helm of some of our favourite game franchise crossovers, and then butchering them mercilessly.

Imagine your favourite game in the world. You've beaten it on Legendary 15 times. You've read every spinoff novel. You've unlocked every single outfit and cooking utensil. Not only have you rescued the princess, you've persuaded her to get hot-coffee-mod-freaky with you. You own figurines of every single character AND the entire dev team. There's a personal dedication to you on the inside cover of the walkthrough. You've taken out whole battalions with 100% headshots using a catapult and a bag of frozen peas.

This game is your everything. Others might not understand, but it makes you happy, and that's all that counts. Then you find out that there's going to be a movie. On a given release date in the near future, your life will be complete. You impose a media blackout on yourself - no previews, no trailers, no interviews. Nothing that will spoil the anticipation, the cloud of pure joy on which you're floating. This is going to be the best shit ever.

The day arrives. You're at the first screening in the country, sitting front and centre. You've driven 1500 miles to be there. Your hands are shaking. You can't stop grinning. ...

Two hours later, your eyeballs are bleeding. The only reason you're still alive is that you chewed your own foot off. All that you know and love lies in smoking ruins.

The credits roll... "Directed by: Uwe Boll"

You get where I'm going with this, yeah?

Re:Good lord...

[Fred_A]

Yeah. Do you see the Foot icon to the right of the article? What do you think that means?

What ? He's going to make a movie version of the Gnome desktop ?

Ok where's that petition ?

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[Your Pal Dave]

Imagine your favourite game in the world. You've beaten it on Legendary 15 times. You've read every spinoff novel. You've unlocked every single outfit and cooking utensil. Not only have you rescued the princess, you've persuaded her to get hot-coffee-mod-freaky with you. You own figurines of every single character AND the entire dev team. There's a personal dedication to you on the inside cover of the walkthrough. You've taken out whole battalions with 100% headshots using a catapult and a bag of frozen peas.

[...]

You get where I'm going with this, yeah?

Umm, you really need a girlfriend?

Re:What's so bad about Uwe Boll?

[_Sprocket_]

Or to put it another way, if you were to take the paragraph above and adapt it as a screenplay, the result would be better than any Uwe Boll movie.

Unless that screenplay was then given to Uwe Boll.

OK. That's not fair.

Unless that screenplay was used for the basis of a video game which in turn was the basis for a Uwe Boll movie.

Re:Anyone who beats up on critics can't be all bad

[pionzypher]

He improves civilizations in some ways [Citation Needed]

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[Daniel_Staal]

Unfortunately, that's not how Uwe Boll makes movies. He takes A-list actors, and turns them into B-list actors by featuring them in C-list movies...

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[Khaed]

I still don't know how they fucked up Doom so bad. they turned a movie about demons and hell into a movie about... pretty much the same type of zombies that were in the Resident Evil movie, or (insert 90% of zombie movies).

It's such a damn simple script:

Guy (or even the typical hollywood team-captain-planet crew) trapped on Phobos. He (they) find out that the moon base is directly over hell. It was easier than making Ramen, and they fucked it up. One of the cooler parts of Doom? The creepy-ass "Hell" parts. Like some of the twisted wall textures in the game. It had a mood to it. There was no "omfg a virus that makes you CRAZY!" in Doom.

But as to Turd Boll, see his Alone in the Dark movie. THAT is fucking horrible. I saw it before I realized he was involved, and I rented it without realizing Tara Reid was in it. there's not even any "this is so bad, it's good." It was like all the worst parts of every movie I've ever seen condensed into one shitfest. The only way it could have been worse would be if it had a full on hardcore sex scene between Michael Moore and Jabba the Hut. Actually, in retrospect, I'd probably watch that over Alone in the Dark if I had a gun to my head.

Re:Signed, signed, SIGNED!

[ari_j]

I have no idea who he is. I'm signing the petition anyhow because I believe in calling bluffs.