Spoiler-Free Review of Indiana Jones

Following last week's sour review of Indiana Jones, Seamus123 links us to "A spoiler-free review of the brilliant new Indiana Jones film, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Much has been made of the revival of the series: is Harrison Ford too old, is Shia LeBeouf any good and can it live up to the three previous movies? All these questions — and some surprising answers — are found in Den of Geek's review." Personally I'll see it no matter what.

Meesa gonna see it too!

[Rogerborg]

Meesa no wait for poodoo reviews! Meesa gonna give bigsa clink-clink to franchise rightawaysa! What could go wrongsa?

RIP Denholm Elliott

[InvisblePinkUnicorn]

It's a shame there won't be a Marcus Brody role in this one, as the actor died a few years after the Last Crusade. One of the funniest scenes in the trilogy was from this one:

Elsa: It's perfectly obvious where the pages are... he's given them to Marcus Brody.
Henry: Marcus?! You didn't drag poor Marcus along did you? He's not up to the challenge.
Donovan: He sticks out like a sore thumb. We'll find him.
Indy: The hell you will! He's got a two day head start on you, which is more than he needs. Brody's got friends in every town and village from here to the Sudan, he speaks a dozen languages, knows every local custom, he'll blend in, disappear, you'll never see him again. With any luck, he's got the grail already.

(next scene)

(Brody disembarks from the train along with the other passengers, a cross-section of Arabs and Turks.)
Brody: Is there anyone here who speaks English? Or maybe even ancient Greek?

No matter what?

[Anonymous Coward]

> Personally I'll see it no matter what.

Then the terrorists have already won

Re:Meesa gonna see it too!

[Mastadex]

"Meesa no wait for poodoo reviews! Meesa gonna give bigsa clink-clink to franchise rightawaysa! What could go wrongsa?"

I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of English teachers suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened.

Shia The Cow

[qoncept]

I can't stand the guy and the only way I'll consider the movie a success is if he's playing the role of Short Round. Mister Jones! Mister Jones!

Spoiler

[homer_s]

Indiana Jones wins and the villain loses.

Re:Meesa gonna see it too!

[Anonymous Coward]

It's his sled. It's his sled from when he was a kid. There, I saved you two long, boobless hours.

Re:Shia LeBeouf to Carry on the Franchise?

[owlnation]

I guarantee that in the Special editions Indy will whip first.

Re:Spoiiler Free ...HA!

[CrazedWalrus]

And at the end if Titanic, the ship sinks!

* spoiler alert! (Was I supposed to say that first?)

Re:Why couldn't they have just left this alone?

[elrous0]

You've been on /. this long and you're just now noticing that we bitch about everything?

My spoiler-free Review of Indiana Jones

[Alzheimers]

Dah-nuh-da-da!

*whipcrack*

*wisecrack*

*swiiiiiiing*

*punchpunchpunch*

INDY!!!

Dah-nuh-da-da!

Re:Short -term memory syndrome.

[Anonymous Coward]

Please can someone explain to me, why that when the 1st Star Wars Prequel was widely regarded as a crime against celluloid, and the 2nd Prequel proved, if anything, to be even worse that the 1st, that anyone at all went to see the 3rd Prequel.

Morbid curiosity.

Re:Meesa gonna see it too!

[TeknoHog]

http://xkcd.com/109/ [xkcd.com]

Re:Spoiiler Free ...HA!

[Joe the Lesser]

I so want to snigger... am I a bad person?

Only for using the word snigger.

Re:Shia The Cow

[rho]

You call him "Doctor Jones", doll!

Re:Shia LeBeouf to Carry on the Franchise?

[samkass]

Maybe they'll give the sword-swinging guy guns and have him fire a couple of shots at Indy before he gets shot...

Re:Spoiiler Free ...HA!

[CrazedWalrus]

There was only one death I wanted to see. The sight of Jack's cold, dead body sinking into that dark, shark-infested ocean made that entire interminable movie worth seeing. The only thing that would have made it better would be if the sharks had lasers to cook him first.

Even more amusing is the IMDB entry:

Jack Dawson was a character in the hit movie "Titanic" in 1997. His love was with Rose DeWitt Butiker, a first class rich person. Jack was third class. Jack got on the boat by winning a poker game with his two buddies. While Jack was on the Titanic, he was arrested as the boat began to sink, but Rose came to save him. Jack died on April 15, 1912, after the Titanic sank because of hypothermia.

Apparently the Titanic sank because of hypothermia. Poor ship just needed a blanket and a Cup O' Noodles.

Re:My review:

[Khisanth Magus]

The Crystal Skull found in Belize will teleport you to a huge cavern on another planet inhabited by giant aliens I will have you know!

Re:Shia LeBeouf to Carry on the Franchise?

[JosKarith]

"Where's Drew Berrymore so she can step in and convince Lucas we should take this chance to replace all the scary whips in Indiana Jones with licorice sticks"

Uh... I assune you mean Drew Barrymore. Drew Berrymore's a _completely_ different actress and trust me, she wouldn't be asking for any whips to be removed...

Re:Spoiiler Free ...HA!

[ch-chuck]

and that imdb review sank because of dangling participles.

Re:Shia LeBeouf to Carry on the Franchise?

[dgatwood]

Hey Indy! Hey Indy! We're going to Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain! Come on, Indy!

[Indiana Jones ends up in a dark cave.]

Oh, they took my kidney.

What a sad excuse for an Indiana Jones movie that would be....

Re:Spoiiler Free ...HA!

[stoofa]

So how else does one bridge that wretched awful gap between 'chortle' and 'guffaw'?