How the TSA Plans On Inspecting Your Monkey

The uncertainty of what might happen to your service monkey at an airport security checkpoint won't keep you awake at night anymore, thanks to the TSA. They have issued an easy to follow list of how they will ensure your helper monkey won't go all Planet of the Apes on your flight. Some of the security techniques used to make sure your primate is not a terrorist include: "Security Officers will conduct a visual inspection on the service monkey and will coach the handler on how to hold the monkey during the visual inspection. The inspection process may require that the handler to take off the monkey's diaper as part of the visual inspection."

Now's the time on Sprockets when we dahnce

[Anonymous Coward]

Touch it! Touch the monkey!

Take off the monkey's diaper as part of inspection

[Anonymous Coward]

There is actually 1.75 trillion dollar roll out of monkey-sized body scanners. When the project is finished, you will no longer be required to remove your animal's diaper, but technicians may laugh at your monkey's banana.

But..

[Locke2005]

Will they spank my monkey if he misbehaves? Or will I need to do that myself?

Two trained animals in these

[pngwen]

I like all the sections that say "Security Officers have been trained to not _______". So you have a trained service monkey, and it has to meet up with a trained higher order primate at a checkpoint!

Of course, "higher order primate" might give a bit too much credit to the TSA goon squad, but they certainly are in fact trained animals. Sadly, like many monkeys, they do occasionally lift shiny objects from innocent bystanders....

Re:Now's the time on Sprockets when we dahnce

[Megahard]

From TFA: Security Officers have been trained to not touch the service monkey during the screening process. Sorry.

God damn you all to hell!

[Anonymous Coward]

I have been waiting YEARS to use that one.

Re:A service monkey? Really?

[Chris Burke]

You can teach a monkey to do a lot of useful things, except care that you don't want it to poop everywhere.

Yes, but...

[vikingpower]

...will the monkey blend ?

Re:A service monkey? Really?

[eln]

The diaper serves as a handy carrying case for the monkey, in case they have to poo now, but won't have anyone nearby they want to fling it at until later. If your helper monkey has some sort of grudge against TSA agents, perhaps because of being treated as a terrorist just because it has hair on its face, it's highly recommended you change the monkey's diaper before going through security.

Re:Now's the time on Sprockets when we dahnce

[spun]

Are you telling me that TSA security officers are forbidden to spank the monkey?

Monkeys inspecing Monkeys

[scorp1us]

Does that mean TSA agents will eat ticks if they find any, and does your monkey have to return the inspection favor?

Re:Now's the time on Sprockets when we dahnce

[dissy]

Are you telling me that TSA security officers are forbidden to spank the monkey?

Wow, they are gunna be pissed after spending all that money on the full body clothes-removing-picture machines they just bought to spank the monkey to

Re:Enough already

[egcagrac0]

Ahh yes. In old country, Monkey inspects You.

Redundant Hilarity

[cosm]

The full body scanners already accomplish this. They can even scan beavers and sweater-puppies, so I hear.

Re:That's not unusual.

[v1]

and I suppose it goes without saying, don't feed them after midnight or it really gets scary?

Re:That's not unusual.

[AuMatar]

Two in a row? With my last set if you were 5 minutes late for the first feeding they'd all be standing at the food bowl noses in the air and giving you despairing looks. I can't imagine the drama level at 2.

Re:Now's the time on Sprockets when we dahnce

[drkim]

...but we'll all sleep better at night just knowing that there won't be any radical terrorist monkeys flying around with explosives in their diapers...

Now there's a sentence I never thought I would construct in English...