Ukrainian Attack Dolphins Are On the Loose 99
Hugh Pickens writes "The Ukrainian Navy has a small problem on their hands. The Atlantic reports that, after rebooting the Soviet Union's marine mammal program last year with the goal of teaching dolphins to find underwater mines and kill enemy divers, three of the Ukrainian military's new recruits have gone AWOL. Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate' out in open waters. It might not be such a big deal except that these dolphins have been trained to 'attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their heads.' Dolphins were trained at Sevastopol for the Soviet Navy as far back as 1973 to find military equipment such as sea mines on the seabed as well as attacking divers and even carrying explosives on their heads to plant on enemy ships. The U.S. has its own dolphin program in San Diego with 40 trained dolphins and sea lions and another 50 in training. U.S. Navy dolphins were deployed in Bahrain in 1987 during a period when Iran was laying down mines in the Persian Gulf to disrupt oil shipments. No word yet on whether
'sharks with frickin' laser beams attached' have been added to the U.S. arsenal." Update: 03/14 14:55 GMT by T : Note that (as the Atlantic has updated their story reached via above link) while there really are militarized dolphins in use around the world, this particular story turns out to be an elaborate prank.
Oh great (Score:5, Funny)
Bad enough when you just had to worry about them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLEb-iCQqec&feature=player_embedded [slashdot.org]">raping you or beating you up [youtube.com]. Now they have knives and landmines too?!?!? And they're from Ukraine, which probably means they're radioactive super-mutant dolphins too.
The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive. Thanks Ukraine!
Jaws Two, Dolphin Style (Score:0)
While this is a hoax, bet you the next blockbuster movie is going to be a teenaged mutant ninja dolphin version of Jaws Two.
Funny my Capitcha is impetus
I need a Sino-logic 16, Sogo 7 Data Gloves, ... (Score:5, Funny)
The right question was... (Score:0)
Are they ill tempered?
Re:I need a Sino-logic 16, Sogo 7 Data Gloves, ... (Score:1)
Re:I need a Sino-logic 16, Sogo 7 Data Gloves, ... (Score:3)
Are these war-surplus dolphins addicted to heroin?
They've already been caught and turned into John West Tuna.
Re:Oh great (Score:0)
No, no, no... they aren't carrying land mines. That would just be silly. These are ship mines.
Re:Oh great (Score:2)
The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive.
I don't think humans are mutated and radioactive. The rest of your statement is valid, though.
Re:Oh great (Score:2)
attack of the monster Dolphins on the syfy channel (Score:0)
attack of the monster Dolphins on the syfy channel monster movie of the week.
Re:attack of the monster Dolphins on the syfy chan (Score:2)
Followed up by the history channel special on the secrets of Alien Dolphins.
Re:Oh great (Score:1)
Now they have knives and landmines too?!?!? And they're from Ukraine, which probably means they're radioactive super-mutant dolphins too.
The biggest pricks of the sea are now heavily armed, sex-crazed, mutated, and radioactive. Thanks Ukraine!
I am pretty sure the simpsons made an episode exactly as you described...we are all doomed!
Re:Oh great (Score:2)
Snorky.... speaks... man!
Lemme guess (Score:0)
Lemme guess - with frickin' lasers, right?
Re:Lemme guess (Score:3, Funny)
Not reading TFA is standard procedure here, but you didn't even finish the summary.
Re:Lemme guess (Score:1)
Slashdot standard procedure is not even to read the headline, but immediately post and blabber about all kinds of stuff that is irrelevant or just plain factually incorrect. And then get modded up to +5, Insightful or Informative.
Hoax (Score:3, Informative)
This entire thing is fabricated, anybody with 2 brain cells to rub together doesn't even need to RTFA, it's obvious from the summary but even from the headline.
Re:Hoax (Score:0)
If you had actually RTFA, you would find out that the only part of this story that's a hoax is that the dolphins escaped. Everything else is real.
Re:Hoax (Score:0)
Oh, I don't doubt that they have a program in Ukraine for attack dolphins, attack dogs and attack bulls. In fact dolphins have been used for this purpose in WWI and WWII and probably in other wars.
Irrelevant, this is a nonsense headline. There was a much funnier hoax released earlier about Krugman [bostonmagazine.com]. It's the Internet, everybody here is either a fat guy, an FBI agent or some hoaxer.
Re:Hoax (Score:-1, Offtopic)
Re:Hoax (Score:3)
From what I read (three articles plus follow-up via search and more reading) and with the understanding that my reading comprehension may be questioned, they're not armed though they may have been trained at some point with some kind of offensive gear, and their 'escape' is apparently encompassed by some of them swimming off in search of mates or a desire to play hookey.
U.S. Navy also apparently looked into various possible ways to arm the beasties but later decided not to do so. In fact, a recent article (I don't have the link; look for it if you're interested - it's within the past week, I think) says the Navy is shutting down the whole dolphin program in favor of robotic submersibles and other measures.
Re:Hoax (Score:1)
Who cares?! It's too awesome not to believe!
Re:Hoax (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Hoax (Score:3)
This entire thing is fabricated, anybody with 2 brain cells to rub together doesn't even need to RTFA, it's obvious from the summary but even from the headline.
That was the problem; their brain cells were rubbing together.
Re:Hoax (Score:3)
You really should start your medication, boy. Then read the fucking article, which says this is common and expected behavior. Of course, if it had been anything but the Register it wouldn't be blowing it so much out of proportion. Here are a few better links to the same story, by less disreputable sources:
New York Daily News [nydailynews.com]
Atlantic Wire [theatlanticwire.com]
Herald Sun (Australia) [heraldsun.com.au]
Huffington Post [huffingtonpost.com]
Slate [slate.com] (Slate credits BoingBoing)
Google News is full of them. There was one story by a business blog that questioned its authenticity on Google's list of stories from the search term "Ukraine dolphins"
Re:Hoax (Score:1)
Wow. If the Huffington Post is a "better link" then...well, that's just a pretty low initial bar.
Re:Hoax (Score:2)
I didn't say they were reputable, just less disreputable. The Register is only slightly less of a joke than The Onion.
Re:Hoax (Score:0)
Our entire societies are fabricated, it doesn't make them less real in any way.
Their last message (Score:5, Funny)
no friggin lasers? (Score:1)
Re:no friggin lasers? (Score:0)
Hey, it's a step up from sea bass.
Re:no friggin lasers? (Score:0)
These gun-dolphins were released to combat the growing laser-shark problem.
No they're not (Score:0)
http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/03/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-on-the-loose/273943/
Men who stare at dolphins (Score:0)
You just can't make this stuff up. These people get paid to do this.
Haox (Score:1)
This was a hoax or Fox news sucks at news
http://www.foxnews.com/science/2013/03/13/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-not-roaming-seas-for-romance/
Re:Haox (Score:5, Funny)
This was a hoax or Fox news sucks at news
Tough choice... can we pick both?
Re:Haox (Score:0)
This was a hoax or Fox news sucks at news
Tough choice... can we pick both?
Of course, you can! It's a (non-exclusive) disjunction.
Re:Haox (Score:1)
Hoax (Score:1)
First linked article already mentions this being fake in an update
Re:Hoax (Score:0)
Well... (Score:0)
Title of the first article:
"Update: Ukrainian Military Dolphins Not Actually on the Loose"
Apparently it was a partial hoax or something like that.
old story on wired (Score:4, Informative)
Re:old story on wired (Score:0)
Wired reported on the program, not the fact that they escaped.
Re:old story on wired (Score:1)
AWOL (Score:0)
What else would you believe? (Score:1)
How about this for a story that is similarly unbelievable?
Putin has released Khodorkovski from jail.
Tentacle manga: Tokyo is under attack by a 100 meter monster.
French president has revealed his plan for a balanced budget and a trade balance that does not involve more taxes.
Yeah, all of these may appear on the front page of /., would you also believe it if you saw it?
Re:What else would you believe? (Score:3)
The plan in itself, that's another story.
Re:What else would you believe? (Score:-1)
And it was reported as a hoax (Score:0)
And "Unknown Lamer" is a dumbshit that can't even check Google News before posting this idiotic shit.
all they need is lasers ... (Score:1)
Planet of the Dolphins? (Score:0)
Is this the beginnig?
Once again the Simpsons predicted it. (Score:5, Funny)
Once again the Simpsons predicted it.
I, for one, welcome our new dolphin overloads.
Re:Once again the Simpsons predicted it. (Score:0)
If you throw enough darts at a dart board, one of them will hit something.
April 1st (Score:2)
April 1st is still a few weeks away
Quick! (Score:3)
Ballistics (Score:2)
Well, the gun Dolphins won't be too much of a danger unless they're right on you, thanks to underwater ballistics.
The knifers, oh shit.
No need to worry about lasers. Attenuation underwater is a bitch.
Re:Ballistics (Score:3)
Well, the gun Dolphins won't be too much of a danger unless they're right on you, thanks to underwater ballistics. The knifers, oh shit.
Do knives have longer ranges underwater?
Re:Ballistics (Score:0)
Dolphins swim at up to 50 mph and have incredible agility while swimming. Unless you can swim like a Navy SEAL, don't bother trying to dodge, just smile happily while the dolphin guts you.
Re:Ballistics (Score:2)
Re:Ballistics (Score:0)
This is obviously just "proof of concept"; I mean, how long do you think it will be before we start seeing orcas with mini-torpedoes???
US navy has this covered (Score:1)
The US navy has been training orcas to attack dolphins who are attacking enemy swimmers. Don't woory folks, soon the oceans will be off limits to everyone except for trained combat specialists.
Re:US navy has this covered (Score:2)
The US navy has been training orcas to attack dolphins who are attacking enemy swimmers. Don't woory folks, soon the oceans will be off limits to everyone except for trained combat specialists.
Obligatory Simpsons
Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse?
Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas!
Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.
AS10C7E (Score:-1, Troll)
Red Alert 2 (Score:1)
WWOT. 7p (Score:-1)
SLASHTABLOIDOT (Score:0)
Next: Fukushima accident opens demonic portal! Bat boy discovered in Gotham City sewers! Alien life found! (yeah, dupe) Slashdot editor edits story! (ok too implausible even for this site)
Sex (Score:1)
Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate"' out in open waters.
So, they left to get laid?
NRA Response (Score:5, Funny)
Re:NRA Response (Score:2)
Re:NRA Response (Score:2)
Guns don't kill people... dolphins kill people.
as has been said... (Score:5, Informative)
The "one piece" is the idea that they were trained to kill, and that they escaped. So other than they not being killer, nor escaped, yes - there are dolphins. Good job, "Unknown Lamer"
Re:as has been said... (Score:2)
The D Team -Starring Dolph Lundgren, I'm thinking? (Score:5, Funny)
In 1972 a crack dolphin commando unit was sent to Sea World by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These mammals promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underwater.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as dolphins of fortune.
If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire... The D-Team.
Re:The D Team -Starring Dolph Lundgren, I'm thinki (Score:1)
Actually, Its would think it more likely they would be known as the C-Team!
In 1972 a crack dolphin commando unit was sent to Sea World by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These mammals promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underwater.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as dolphins of fortune.
If you have a problem - if no one else can help - and if you can find them - maybe you can hire... The D-Team.
the ukraine is weak (Score:0)
the ukraine is weak
I still have armys in the Ukrainain (Score:0)
I still have armys in the Ukrainain
so... (Score:0)
Where's my sharks with lasers?
Killer Dolphins (Score:1)
Guns don't kill people. Dolphins do.
Perhaps Douglas Adams Was Right (Score:3)
Apparently they swam away from their trainers ostensibly in search of a 'mate"' out in open waters.
Dolphins make love, not war. Mabye they really are the smartest creatures on earth.
Re:Perhaps Douglas Adams Was Right (Score:1)
Yeah, they "make love" whether the other party wants to or not.
This is it. (Score:2)
We're living in a pulp fiction sci-fi
And it's awesome.
Re:This is it. (Score:2)
I'm thinking this film [imdb.com] is the one we're currently in.
I, for one... (Score:2)
wait a minute... (Score:1)
Day of The Dolphin (Score:3)
there was a book.. and film about dolphins that were trained to talk and in some way involved in an assassination attempt on the president of the USA.
ive never read the book.. and the movie wasnt all that great..
its worth a look if youre in to 70s stuff!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Day_of_the_Dolphin [wikipedia.org]
After the dolphins are kidnapped, an investigation by an undercover government agent for hire, Curtis Mahoney (Paul Sorvino) reveals that the Institute is planning to further train the dolphins to carry out a political assassination by having them place a limpet mine on the hull of the yacht of the President of the United States.
A hoax (Score:5, Informative)
http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2013/03/ukrainian-attack-dolphins-on-the-loose/273943/ [theatlantic.com]
Re:A hoax (Score:3)
Everybody! Ignore this guy with stupid facts and continue with killer mutant dolphin jokes!
HOAX (Score:0)
Update! Sad news, friends. It turns out that one piece of the Ukrainian dolphin story is, in fact, a hoax. No dolphins from the Ukrainian army's complement have actually escaped, according to this newspaper report. The hoax began with this faked report from the museum director, which led to a story by RIA Novosti.
Karl Pilkington.... (Score:0)
Now you wonder where he gets it. [youtu.be]
He heard it on slashdot.
Time to release the (Score:2)
sharks with the lasers.
As IBM Once Said: THINK (Score:2)
Who cares? (Score:0)
Do you honestly think a single person on Slashdot actually clicked this story looking for serious information? Not a chance in hell. I promise you, every single one of us that isn't a first time visitor, came to this story for one thing, and one thing only: to read the ridiculously funny as hell comments on the dumbest fucking story of the day!
lol
...and the dolphin bumps into a shark (Score:1)
Finally an obligatory non-XKCD comic (Score:1)
Cow and Boy [gocomics.com] Have a "whale" of a good time this weekend.
Yep. (Score:0)
In Soviet Russia, Dolphin harpoons you!
If those dolphins... (Score:2)
Oh, wait...
Deja Vu (Score:1)
http://science.slashdot.org/story/05/09/25/1850228/armed-dolphins-released-into-gulf-of-mexico
'armless Arrested Development reference (Score:0)
Loose Seal!!!!
The Atlantic Article Updated - Hoax (Score:1)