The Darth Vader Blog

miller60 writes "Darth Vader has launched his very own blog: The Darth Side: Memoirs of A Monster, in which the Sith Lord holds forth in posts such as "Christmas on Hoth" and "I Am Surrounded By Idiots." The comments are a hoot as well. The homage appears to be the handiwork of Canadian Matthew Frederick Davis Hemming."

The force is strong with this one.

[maotx]

Yeah, I was there last week. Not a bad blog. One of the better ones out there. However he fails to mention his appearence [netfunny.com] on Jerry Springer and the real reason why noone understands him. Hes not really a bad guy, he just has issues that noone understands.

Re:The force is strong with this one.

[AKAImBatman]

Hes not really a bad guy, he just has issues that noone understands.

I get a kick out of this part in particular:

Ozzel just isn't the creative type.

The problem is solved now, however. I crushed his trachea with my mind, and promoted Piett to command the fleet. I have transmitted to following note to Ozzel's kin:

Dear House of Ozzel,

I regret to inform you that your son has been killed in the line of duty.

He was an incompetent, yammering boob and he will be missed by none. I have allowed the men to pillage his personal belongings, which is why we have enclosed nothing but the sole remaining item: a torn advertisements page from a magazine of midget pornography. May it shock and disturb you, and may you think of it always when you remember your dearly departed son, the ninny.

Know also that his limitations as a sub-par military professional caused the deaths of many of the Emperor's loyal soldiers, whose funeral expenses will appear on your next tax assessment.

Sincerely,
D. Vader

Too harsh? I call them as I see them.

Re:The force is strong with this one.

[Rei]

The comment are just as good. My favorite:

Dear friend,
This message may come as a surprise to you because we have never met.
Following the destructon of the rebel base on Yavin, my father, Chancellor Tinyan G'Bata transferred 10,000,000 credits to an unmarked account in the Corisant's Citizen's First Empire Bank.
Please to be fowarding you phone number so we can make arrangements for you to claim the money. You will keep 10% for your troubles.
This is NOT the "Kessel" scam you may have heard about. I am a legitimate Barrister.

Re:The force is strong with this one.

[PriceIke]

Whoa, that is DARK. Dark, dark, dark!

Re:The force is strong with this one.

[mattOzan]

And the followup in later comments:

Duncan Ozzel said...

YOU BASTARD!

How DARE you kill our son. He has always been faithful to the Empire and always served you well...

Ok.. There was that incident in the Dining hall..

and the whole "misunderstanding" on Tatoee that caused some bad PR on the local Troops show..

and the incident about the midgets that we really don't want to go into right now...

Ok.. so he deserved to die. He was adopted anyway.

So... basically... all I'm trying to say is... Thanks for the Midget Porn.

Duncan Ozzel Head of House Ozzel.

28.4.05

Re:The force is strong with this one.

[kfg]

. . .he just has issues that noone understands.

Now, don't tell me, let me guess. "He misses his mommy."

Am I at least close?

KFG

Re:The force is strong with this one.

[smittyoneeach]

issues

Ah, the pipe-bender.
Next time, recall Solomon's warning about the Strange Woman...

Re:The force is strong with this one.

[Kevin Mitnick]

Jar Jar finally, he is one of us my Lord.. He is deep within the influence of the Dark Side [trilobite.org]

Parent = Goatse link.

[kcb93x]

Troll.

Comments

[Mukaikubo]

For bonus points, read the comments on the blog. They're almost as funny, in many cases, as the actual entry.

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[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

This will lead to...

[Dante Shamest]

A Dark Helmet parody blog soon.

Re:This will lead to...

[lucabrasi999]

A Dark Helmet parody blog soon.

A parody of a parody? Just thinking about it gives me a headache.

Marvin has one, too

[lxw56]

Marvin the Paranoid Android has a Xanga [xanga.com], too.

It appears to be a marketing ploy; I can't say that about the Vader blog.

Blog?

[daeley]

"Journal! So...you have a Live Journal. Your Mood icon has now betrayed it, too. Google was wise to hide it from me. Now the search engine's failure is complete. If you will not turn to the blog side, then perhaps it will."

Re:Blog?

[Atario]

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Start your timers

[skraps]

Any bets on how many hours/days until the C&D letter arrives?

Re:Start your timers

[double-oh three]

Lucas has never, unless my memory is failing me, sued anyone for using Star Wars characters. If I remember correctly, his policy is do whatever you want, but it's not canon.

Oh Great

[metoc]

I've been enjoying the blog for the last week.

Now you've gone and ./ it.

Re:Oh Great

[Liselle]

Now you've gone and ./ it.

Dot-slash it? Is this some kind of obscure Soviet Russia joke?

Re:Oh Great

[mrseigen]

I think it means they ran it. You know, as a story.

Re:Oh Great

[Bemopolis]

No -- it's news for nerds in Hebrew.

Bemopolis

And on the other side of the fence..

[OblongPlatypus]

Chewbacca [blogspot.com] appears to be blogging for the rebels...

Re:And on the other side of the fence..

[tenor_clef]

This is freakin' HILARIOUS.

Thanks - that made my day.

Re:And on the other side of the fence..

[YomikoReadman]

And the answer to your question would be that you don't. Wookies are a race, like humans, and they speak Kashhyk.

Yep, I'm a dork.

*howling with laughter*

[JLSigman]

This is GREAT. Someone needs to give this guy the script to the first 3 movies to redo. ;-)

Re:*howling with laughter*

[OECD]

This is GREAT. Someone needs to give this guy the script to the first 3 movies to redo. ;-)

Even better: a commentary track. He could do it as an MP3. Tough part would be getting the voice right.

Re:*howling with laughter*

[el_gordo101]

Just hand the commentary script to James Earl Jones...

Re:*howling with laughter*

[Zakabog]

And we can call it Spaceballs 2! Oh wait, someone's already working on that...

More

[Anonymous Coward]

Also see:
http://www.livejournal.com/~bobafett/ [livejournal.com]

and

http://www.livejournal.com/users/theforce/ [livejournal.com]

The CheeseBurger Strikes Back!

[haplo21112]

He revealed that it was him a few days back, I had a feeling before he revealed it. It had a Cheeseburgerbrownesqe quality to it.

Perfect timing!

[truthsearch]

I'm just about to open my new site: "The Dark Helmet Side: Memoirs of a Schwartz"

First few posts:
"Channukah on Druidia"
"I Am Surrounded By A$$holes"
"A Night With a Druish Princess"
"Yogurt! I Hate Yogurt!"
"Only One Man Would Dare Use Strawberry"

i don't know why i am bothering...

[Anonymous Coward]

raspberry!

Re:Perfect timing!

[ender-]

"Only One Man Would Dare Use Strawberry"


That's raspberry.

Ender-

Re:Perfect timing!

[aulendil]

No no no, that would be Lonestar, not raspberry!

Re:Perfect timing!

[SomeGuyFromCA]

it's

(rick moranis tastes the jam) "raspberry... there's only one man who would DARE give me the raspberry..." (camera tracks in as dark helmet pushes colonel sandurz out of the way and pulls down his mask) "lone star!" (thunk)

move along

[Anonymous Coward]

this is not the /. you are looking for.

Best line so far....

[Paladin144]

"Whose trachea do you have to crush with your mind to get a little service around here?"

--20050422

Boy, I know how you feel, Darth! I find myself wondering that all the time.

Go ahead! Mod me down! Who wants a trachea-crushing?!

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[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Reminds me of that Izzard quote...

[zoeblade]

Your diary must look odd: "Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch- death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower..."

- Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill [auntiemomo.com]

Re:Reminds me of that Izzard quote...

[KILNA]

Vader: I'll have the Penne a le arrabiata

Canteen Worker: You'll need a tray

Vader: Do you not know who I am? I am Darth Vader, I could kill you with a single thought, I do not need a tray, though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished for I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed--

Canteen Worker: No, the food is hot, you'll need a tray to put the food on.

Vader: Oh, oh, alright then

Paraphrased a bit, and it loses it's lustre a bit without Eddie delivering the line

Re:Reminds me of that Izzard quote...

[clickster]

I heard there were going to be British guys arranging matches in one scene.

Re:Reminds me of that Izzard quote...

[TyfStar]

That's exactly what I was waiting for!
"Luke, the Force is strong with you."
"Is it?"
"Yeah."
"Well, who told you that?"
"Some bloke! Yeah, he said the Force was really rather strong with you."
"Well, how strong?"
"Uh, as strong as a small pony."
"Oooh, that's quite strong, that is."

I want some intimate Sith details

[biologicalunit]

Surely Darth Vader is bedding many an imperial female or occasional bounty hunter. Let us hear about his sexual exploits.

It's Assholes, not idiots

[mandrake*rpgdx]

"I'm surrounded by Assholes" is the quote. Sheesh, am I the only one who's seen SpaceBalls?

Re:It's Assholes, not idiots

[cbiltcliffe]

In the book, it's "idiots."

Guess they figured more little kids would read it than watch it. Go figure.

Novelizations are the bottem feeders of literature

[mandrake*rpgdx]

Duh.

The real Dark Lord...

[Zuke8675309]

Funny how even Darth Vader succumbs to putting Ads by Google in his blog...

Who really is the Master?

Re:The real Dark Lord...

[Cognitive Dissident]

Funny how even Darth Vader succumbs to putting Ads by Google in his blog...

Hey, hasn't he already been clear enough about having gone over to the Dark Side?

Am I the only one who hates dim-on-black?

[whoever57]

Those dim-on-black pages are utterly unreadable with a monitor that is even slightly dimmer than when new.

Re:Am I the only one who hates dim-on-black?

[niiler]

*You* tell Darth Frickin Vader that he can't have a black on black page.

Re:Am I the only one who hates dim-on-black?

[Thud457]

With the H2G2 movie coming out, where's Hotblack Desiato's blog?!!!

Re:Am I the only one who hates dim-on-black?

[wootest]

It's spending a year offline, for bandwidth reasons.

The Vader Monolouges

[Darthmalt]

You might also want to check out This Guy [geocities.com] and find out what vader is really thinking.

Copycats a'comin

[Winterblink]

Now watch all the copycat blogs pop up, banking on the same idea.

Um..

[DwarfGoanna]

This is a pretty funny one, but there are hundreds of parody blogs out there already. Enough to where I'm too lazy to link them all.

There is a frickin NIGERIAN SCAM...

[Conspiracy_Of_Doves]

In the comments of the earliest post

I discovered an abandoned deposit in my company owned by one of our Outer Rim customers who died along with his entire family as a result of an landspeeder crash. He actually deposited this funds amounting to IC12,000,000,000.00 (Twelve billion Imperial Credits), for safe keeping in my company here in Mos Eisley. Company file records shows that the funds was actually for a project our late costumer wanted to start in the near future (a multi million Dollar Spice plant in Kessel)


Oh. my. god. that is funny.

Matthew Frederick Davis Hemming

[Quiet_Desperation]

Matthew Frederick Davis Hemming

I'm sorry, but you're allowed a maximum of three names ba Canadian law. He'll have to drop one.

Re:Matthew Frederick Davis Hemming

[An ominous Cow art]

Perhaps "Matthew" is his title?

Sith log: Stardate Supplemental

[NanoGator]

I sensed the death of Boba Fett today. It wasn't the death, per se, that I felt... It was more a feeling of... humiliation. The last clear thought I could make out was "A blind man... with a stick!! AArrrg!!"

durrrrr

[gmplague]

This is nothing compared to Terri Shiavo's blog [blogspot.com].

Steven Hawking's blog [blogspot.com] is also entertaining.

Re:durrrrr

[WoodenBoy]

I've always been a fan of Hulk's Diary that is on the Internet [blogspot.com].

Canadian Matthew Frederick Davis Hemming?

[fbg111]

Yeah, ehm, how many people was that again?

OT / Is anyone getting screwed up pages?

[pyro_dude]

Slashdot's front page [optonline.net] is dessimated by bad advertising or web design. Even after reloading. Does anyone else see this?

Re:OT / Is anyone getting screwed up pages?

[milgr]

I never see advertising on slashdot. Its a side effect of using adblock.

Re:OT / Is anyone getting screwed up pages?

[rbarreira]

Yeah, I saw that one too... Was even wondering if many people were commenting on that in the stories, then I found your post :)

That ad SUCKS...

That was too funny...

[C. Alan]

My favorite quote:

I will say this for being a tyrannical dark overlord: you get great service at restaurants.

Who's better Hayden or Humpty Dumpty?

[digitaldc]

I kind of like Humpty Dumpty at the end of 'Jedi.' He was pasty white and had a nice scar on his head, reminiscent of a fallen, cracked egg. Hayden on the other hand is just too good looking to be a Sith Lord. They should have cast Carrot Top as Vader, someone you REALLY LOVE to hate.
Q: How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
A: He felt his presents

SW Guide to Karma Whoring

[RedElf]

(1) Create Blog
(2) Pretend to be a fictional character from famous movie
(3) Follow the Emo-Blogger trend
(4) ...
(5) Profit!

Let's not forget the others!

[jdion]

Check out Boba Fett's Weblog!

http://bfett.blogspot.com/ [blogspot.com]

If you mod me down

[Cro Magnon]

I will become more powerful than you can imagine.

Funniest comment I've seen so far

[Conspiracy_Of_Doves]

Yoda said...

Much conflict I feel within you.

22.4.05

----

Darth Vader said...

Dear Yoda,

You fight like Miss Piggy.

Sincerely,

D. Vader

22.4.05

thank you, submitter, for making my day.

[sootman]

"Whose trachea do you have to crush with your mind to get a little service around here?"

blogs...

[ocularDeathRay]

I would like all stories that contain the word "blog" to be put into their own category, and an option added to the preference page that would allow them to be ignored. I don't know why they bother me... but they REALLY do.

Disgusting really

[Anonymous Coward]

When I read this blog I found it disgusting that some people seem to feel the need to engage in friendly conversation with a man that is allegedly the greatest war criminal ever. Even on this website some jokingly refer to these crimes as if they are matters of entertainment.

If this was Adolf Hitler's blog, would these people be chatting and making fun about gas chambers? Disgusting.

Re:Disgusting really

[Conspiracy_Of_Doves]

If this was Adolf Hitler's blog, would these people be chatting and making fun about gas chambers?

No. For one simple reason. Hitler's crimes actually happened. I don't find it anywhere near as disgusting to chat and joke with a fictional character who wiped out several billion other fictional characters.

You see, some of us can actually tell the difference between fantasy and reality.

Re:Disgusting really

[Rei]

And others among us can't tell when a poster is being sarcastic.

Re:Disgusting really

[mithras the prophet]

No no, I think it was a meta-joke... maybe. Hope so.

Re:Disgusting really

[glwtta]

If this was Adolf Hitler's blog, would these people be chatting and making fun about gas chambers? Disgusting.

I'm pretty sure that would be the case. Let's see, something about a gas bill?

Is it just me...

[Eradicator2k3]

...or have there been a few too many Star Wars articles lately. Could we please have a couple of articles about Tiger to round things out nicely?

Yoda's

[prsnmn]

Not as funny as Yoda's Blog [blogspot.com].

lol,

[mangus_angus]

I'm surprised there hasn't been a "cease and desist" letter hasn't been issued by Mr. Lucas yet...

A Bedtime Story

[argent]

The entry "A Bedtime Story" actually does more to explain what the hell is UP with people in the Empire than all five of the movies put together.

What a treat

[dswensen]

Oh boy, a chance for more hackneyed, tired jokes about Star Wars! I don't get nearly enough cliched Star Wars humor from Slashdot! "It's as if a million geeks read a blog and then suddenly the server died AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA I AM A COMEDY GENIUS!"

No thanks, I'll skip it.

VSD meets SW

[Marcus Erroneous]

It's like the The Very Secret Diaries of Cassandra Claire http://www.livejournal.com/users/cassieclaire/ [livejournal.com] meets Star Wars. This one went well, can there be another? Perchance a Very Secret Star Logs site? ;)

What about darthsays.com?

[TheDarkener]

Hey this site [darthsays.com] sure shows what Darth does in his off-time...

Hemming is a filmmaker

[MichaelCrawford]

His day job is doing broadcast animation and special effects [storyzoo.com]. He also does short movies [mfdh.ca] that you can download in QuickTime format. His most popular is an animation called Space Attack! [mfdh.ca].

Jesus Christ!

[CheeseburgerBlue]

Uh...thanks for the traffic -- I hope the spillover to my own website hasn't just cost be a bazillion dollars in bandwidth. I'm watching my stats go through the roof...so *this* is getting Slashdotted. Good thing I hosted the thing on BlogSpot. Mercy.

MOD PARENT UP!

[xmas2003]

This is Darth himself ...

Re:Jesus Christ!

[Kehvarl]

"You would prefer another target, a military target? Then, name the system! I grow tired of asking this so it will be the last time. Where is the Rebel base?"

It's on Kuro5hin

[wiredog]

The rebel base is on k5 [kuro5hin.org].

Mod system in all it's naked glory

[alexo]

by CheeseburgerBlue:
>> Uh...thanks for the traffic -- I hope the spillover to my own website hasn't
>> just cost be a bazillion dollars in bandwidth. I'm watching my stats go
>> through the roof...so *this* is getting Slashdotted. Good thing I hosted the
>> thing on BlogSpot. Mercy.

by Kehvarl
> "You would prefer another target, a military target? Then, name the system!
> I grow tired of asking this so it will be the last time. Where is the Rebel base?"

Funny as hell but "insightfu

Re:Mod system in all it's naked glory

[alexo]

I wonder about your sig: "Sometimes AC, always CD"

"AC" is well defined in the context of slashdot.

But how do I decipher "CD"?
Cross Dresser?
Celiac Disease?
Chemical Dependency?
Cognitive Disabilities?
Civil Disobedience?
Carrier Detect?
Claude Debussy?

Re:Jesus Christ!

[/dev/trash]

if one wants to not incur high bandwidth, one should not advertise one's site.

I rest my case.

[/dev/trash]

Thanks for playing.

Seek help.

[/dev/trash]

You obsession with Star Wars is a tad unhealthly I think.

Hey, I went to high school with this guy!

[p3d0]

He's a genius. Check out this short story [kuro5hin.org].

Funny blog

[Picass0]

Good reading.

Re:This is news?

[Spy der Mann]

The previous poster couldn't speak anymore. He was strangled by a mysterious force.

Re:This is news?

[er_head66]

I crushed his trachea with my mind.