An Experience of "Kira489" 331
An Expierence of "Kira489"
Rape. It's a violent crime, arguably the most violent crime, even more savage than murder. The psychological repercussions are severe to the victim, causing even years of trauma. It's frighteningly common--and it's often associated with the Internet. We've all heard the story in which a fourteen year old girl living in Maine is given a plane ticket to Arizona by a forty-seven year old man claiming to be a eighteen year old boy in an America On-line chatroom. She accepts--heck, she's in love and her parents are a pain--and flies to meet him. Of course, upon seeing him, she knows he's not the eighteen year old stud she'd fantasized about, but being alone and lost in a foreign city leaves her with no obvious choice but to leave the airport with him. Of course, he takes her to the local motor lodge and rapes her.
Unfortunately, the media loves these stories, the more horrible the better. It's the media that establishes ideas in people, but I did not realize strength of the current attitudes about Internet users until a friend of mine was raped by someone from the Big Bad Internet. After the rape, which had taken place in her house, she went to her local hospital, where she was tested for sexually transmitted diseases, and her physical wounds treated. The rapist remained in her house, and she was advised to call the police. The police escorted the rapist off her property, and persuaded her to press charges, claiming she had a rock solid case. To this, she consented.
Apparently, the detective in charge on her case didn't agree that the case was closed when he learned she had met the rapist on the Internet. "They [Internet users] are nothing but relentless sex addicts," he told her. "Furthermore, every conversation on the Internet is logged. I can get access to these logs, and if I find that you ever hugged him on the Internet, I will show that this is not a matter of rape, but consentual sex." He proceeded to ask if she had met others from the Internet, which she had. Upon finding out that she had met me on numerous occasions, and even had sex with me, the "slueth" felt satisfied he had proved his point, "No one on the Internet ever wants to do anything but have sex."
Despite the fact that my friend was injured to the point that, according the documented hospital report, she had bruises and tears in her vagina, and the fact that people willingly having sex usually do not injure one another, the police threatened my friend with the possibility of putting her in jail if she was lying!
It is ludicrous to believe that all people associated with the Internet are sex-crazed maniacs, or that meeting someone in real-life is recipe for disaster. I've met a great deal of people from the Internet, for both personal and professional reasons, and I've yet to be raped. Yes, like a few of my real-life friends and relationships, I even slept with a few people I met from the Internet. I even spent a week with one Internet pal snowed-in together during the blizzard that hit the midwestern United States this past January.
Was I concerned about my safety at any of these times I met someone from the Internet? No, I wasn't--no more than I would be meeting someone I didn't know very well in person for dinner and possibly spending the night together. I've never met someone from the Internet expecting sex, and while I'm sure there are many that do, I would hazard a guess that the number that do is not any higher than people who know each other in real-life would in a similar situation (e.g., sharing a hotel room in a distant town).
I once met, with the permission of her mother, a girl in high school, since I happened to be traveling through her town and had some extra hours to spare for dinner. She later mentioned that a real-life friend of hers admonished her for meeting me, claiming she hardly knows me. Well, how much do two people know each other on a first date for coffee or dinner? Interestingly, the media refuses to acknowledge this similarity.
It's important to be careful when meeting someone from the Internet--just as it's normal to be careful in any situation where you've not spent a large amount of time together in person. It's important to realize that a person's remarks and responses in a chatroom or a MUD may be contrived, no matter how fluent they seem to flow. Likewise, there are plenty of phony men and women in every community, and you're just as likely to encounter them in real-life, rapists or not. Regardless, it is certainly not in the interests of society for those who enforce the law to ridicule rape, no matter the circumstances of how the involved individuals initially came in contact with each other. Rape is rape; it's a matter far too serious for qualification.
Yeesh! (Score:1)
It's obvious that a good deal of media moguls have really been attacking "the net" since the beginning, and the effects of the "war" have been showing up as being less tactful of real social situational "realities" than they had in the past as people experience what actually DOES happen.
Although, and this doesn't matter in the scope of the conversation, I have never really been a big chatter, nor have I ever had sex with anybody over the 'net. Local BBSes, well, that's another story. I don't know whether a lot of people are really surprised or expect a different kind of fascination because "Internet people" have this romanticised image of "they're from another state/country/culture" that they wouldn't have otherwise been able to imagine being with if they were droll local hicks... and this is probably where some of the negative association is being perpetuated.
Is castration too harsh? (Score:1)
This is completely nuts (Score:1)
Where are internet conversations logged? IRC, ICQ, AIM, all logged?? Hmmmm... I don't know about that. But you guys will know more than I about that. (Not a big IRC fan)
Kind of a depressing story, but I hope Slashdot does a followup on what happens.
nicely put... (Score:1)
---Begin chat session--
Rapist-to-be: Hi.
Raped-to-be: Hi.
Rapist-to-be: So you wanna get together to make the two-backed beast?
Raped-to-be: Well, only if you give it to me rough. I mean really rough.
Rapist-to-be: Pick you up at 7?
Raped-to-be: Sure.
---End Chat Session---
Now what band of soap-opera-fanatic jurors are gonna be savvy enough to know that this was just made up? She needs an attorney who will argue that while logs can be manufactured and don't themselves constitute a credible defense, it's difficult to reconcile how her rapist was camped out on her sofa quaffing her Coors while she was being fed through a tube in the local body shop. Granted, DNA evidence will likely be brought into the matter, and we all know how unreliable THAT can be....
As incapable of critical analysis as jurors tend to be in this country (a biproduct of the defunct American educational system), I have no doubts the alleged offender's defense would stand up in court. Hell, he'd probably be entitled to a $10^7 defamation settlement.
All the BS! (Score:1)
The guy got five years w/out parole (from the judicial system) and three broken ribs/lacerations/broken arm (from me tackling him and throwing him down a flight of stairs.)
My exGF got a bunch of scars, and nightmares she'll have forever.
Hardly fair.
PEERS == rapists (Score:1)
trial. No problem there.
OK...so... (Score:1)
--- Micah
re: Sexual Predators (Score:1)
I would encourage your friend (if she feels comfortable doing it) to contact a local rape crisis center (if there is one in her area), most of them have advocates that will go with her to talk to the police, to the courts, as well as just to talk to her about healing.
--
Only men can end rape.
It's unfair (Score:1)
All the BS! (Score:4)
What is pointed out in this article is so true and so stereotypical. I am a male and I was accused of RAPING somebody once. Why, because her boyfriend came to knwo about it and she would rather ruin my life then ruin her relationship. Do you have any idea of the humiliation not to mention the time and the money lost because of such an accusation.
And then that ignorant police officer making those statements. If she has been hurt and that can be proven medically, it is not consensual sex and trust me I know, since I had to go through a trial to prove my innocence.
Does this mean that we all perverts and rapists and the dredge of society since we hang out on the "internt". Hell, if it was not for internet, I would not have a job. Will someone explain it to that ignoramoose who is running around tellign people he is there to serve and protect.
Mitch, I can only offer my sympathies for your friend because I have an idea of what she is going through. As for the rest who have their own ideas for the "kind of' people on the internet, all I have to say is "EDUCATION".
Sorry about the rant, but something in me just blew up. And if you made it this far, thanks for listening.
Stuff that matters (Score:1)
Back on topic: personally, I'd like to strangle the bastard who did this. Slowly.
Wanna know what really pisses me off, more than anything else? Sick people who do stupid unforgivable things like this, and how nice women are forced to be paranoid and afraid out of necessity. It's a sad state of affairs when a first date has to be in a public place, in broad daylight, and with a group of friends. Honestly, I think if someone ever attacked a woman in my presence, I'd kill him, or get put in the hospital trying. And if someone were to attack a girlfriend of mine, God himself wouldn't be able to help him.
I personally know two people who have been attacked. Thankfully, the first had the good sense to run and scream bloody murder, and her attacker took off. The second one was attacked by a drunk guy who entered the store where she worked. She shattered his knee (15 years of soccer does wonders for leg strength) in 4 places, and HE'S suing HER. Amazing. I wish she'd have gotten a second blow in before security tossed the guy from the store; she says he was pulled up off the floor just as her foot would have caught him in the side of the head. It's truely sad when a woman can be attacked, and then have the attacker win any type of sympathy at all as a victim. It doesn't mattter if she invites him in. Doesn't matter if she's drunk. Doesn't matter if she's butt naked. I honestly can't believe some of the morons above this post who seem to think so. It's just beyond me.
Personally, I'd like to see rapists and child molesters released to society, and all the police turn their backs for an hour. Jail or prision is too good for the animals that do these kinds of things.
To the person who wrote this: I hope your friend can learn to love. Just stay by her side, and make sure she knows that you'll always be there, and let God take care of the rest.
--
*ding* - Moderator abuse (Score:1)
--
:-) (Score:1)
--
Re: Be wary in real life and on the Internet... (Score:1)
I've got mixed feelings about the attention the media does give such cases. Hopefully it will raise awareness so people will be more careful. On the downside, you get scary attitudes developing like the Sheriff mentioned in this article, by people who don't have a grasp of the full issue.
It is easy to conceal who you are through email or snail mail. It is foolhardy to assume that a person is safe, just because you think you know him from correspondence. But just because Kira489 was a little foolish doesn't make her at all responsible for the rape.
I for one think rapists (this one included) should be decapitated. The lower "head" for the first offense (plus prison, of course), and the upper head for the second.
minor nitpick: "weary" means tired, "wary" means cautious. I think you meant "wary" in your heading.
Nope (Score:1)
Have a nice day!
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Is castration too harsh? (Score:1)
Not about the truth (Score:1)
Sure, it'd be nice if say, this person that started the Melissa virus had a jury of computer geeks, or people that at least know what a macro is. But it won't happen.
Sex maniac cops online? (Score:1)
There are plenty of 'net-hip cops out there, and more of them are getting online every year, so police like the ignorant one mentioned above will gradually get rarer.
--Robin Miller
Cheap Computing columnist
Rape is worse than murder (Score:1)
There exist people for whom one could make the argument that they deserve to be murdered. Nobody ever deserves to be raped.
Nobody ever deserves his favorite poodle to be painted green either, but it doesn't mean that painting poodles green is worse than a murder.
But doesn't the question that original statement answer looks bogus in the first place? Why should it matter, is rapist better than a murderer or worse?
Rape is worse than murder (Score:1)
You dare reduce the serious and violent act of rape to the level of the silly and annoying act of painting curly-haired toy dogs an odd color?
I merely point out the pointlessness of statements like this.
Sexual Assult Rape (Score:1)
Sexual assult does not necessarily mean rape. Sexual assult can be anything perceived to be aggressive done in a sexual manner. Pinching a girl's butt while she walks by can be considered sexual assult.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to prove that someone was raped? It's basically one person's word against another and unless other parties come foward, there is no reason to believe that a woman is right and the man is wrong.
I've heard more than my fair share of stories about women who cry rape when their boyfriends find out they've cheated on them or the man they slept with breaks their heart.
The entire situation makes me sick.
--
The flipside: VERY REWARDING Relationships (Score:2)
I can truly say that the Internet as a medium has given me some of the most rewarding relationships that a person could want. It is *definitely* a major part of my life, and anyone that says I'm defect for using the Internet as a social medium can kiss my ass and go back to dishing out snake oil as far as I'm concerned.
Which is why I feel that stories that inflame the net-rape cases really are dangerous. It only serves one purpose: to further propagate the rape meme through society.
IRC, E-mail, Newsgroups, ICQ - all of these mediums strip away a *lot* of barriers to social interaction that would not ordinarily allow people to get to know each other. It's so obvious that it feels droll to even bring it up - the Internet is an incredibly powerful social medium. I wouldn't know 3/4's of the people I know if I had to rely on modern social mechanisms to meet people and interact with them.
And no, I don't have sex with any of the people I've met online, but I am *very* close to a lot of them, and I would definitely consider some of my IRC friends to be among my best.
But it goes without saying that all this technology of interaction that is the Internet (with all its formalized and well engineered protocols) simply can't replace the *SAME* degree of protocol in real life social situations.
Yes, there *SHOULD* be a protocol for meeting someone online. Never make the first meeting alone, never put yourself in a situation where you're going to be alone with the other person in a (cause->effect) situation. You should *both* be causative in the meeting - in other words, on fair ground, with equal opportunity to break the connection if needed.
Hmm...
Perhaps, out of this Slashdot story, we engineers could actually *SUBMIT* a protocol? Why couldn't we get an RFC together for 'meeting online friends' and submit it?
A protocol is a protocol, and if *WE*, the *ENGINEERS* of the Internet, don't submit it - well we can hardly complain when the MASS MEDIA come in and define those 'protocols' for us in their terms.
Terms that are carefully calculated to create controversy, and sell ad space...
Not about the truth (Score:2)
The Detective was probably correct, at least from a jury's point of view. You get 13 non-geek "peers" up there and the guy who did the rape takes a walk. Sad but true.
Reason: the jury would believe all the TV movies they'd ever seen and have the same point of view as the detective. Call it media poisoning of our judicial system -- that's why juries are out of date; you can't expect people to make good decisions about things they don't know/don't care about/are already biased about. Hell, look at the OJ trial.
----
OK...so... (Score:1)
It's no longer force, it's preconsensual intimacy (really!).
Do you have a url for that article?
castration == solution (Score:1)
[fuming about effing' liberals]...
Not about the Internet (Score:1)
Also, i think it would be relavent to point out that this cop obviosly for whatever reason, feels he needs to intimidate the girl to ensure a conviction. From the original post it is obvious that the cop has little practical knowledge of irc/icq/webchats/ etc
As far as nerds being abused by cops, hell, who HAVN'T the police abused?
u4ic-fx - he who cary's the bigest stick, better watch out for the next guy
Ahh! (Score:1)
I don't think this has any place on Slashdot. I could make up a similarily touching and horrific story next week, and submit it. It would include the innocent victim, who was so trusting with a person she met on the internet (a friend of mine, of course) and the cops who were so mean and unfeeling.
Yes, it happens. 1 out of every 3 women will be sexually assaulted at least once in her lifetime. But I don't think hearsay stories (since this is his friend, and he is repeating what he heard about how the cops behaved, etc.) will do any good is stopping assaults.
Giving women the sense to be wary and cautious (whether in a chat room or bar room) and stand up for their right to be heard will help. How about giving girls enough self-esteem to where they aren't looking for love and acceptance from some anonymous ASCII person? Or if she is going to meet this person, how about in a safe and public place? Or with friends!
It is so frustrating to me that women (my friends! my family!) are so stupid and guilable that they just open themselves up to danger, and then wonder why.
Before anyone flames me (if anyone even reads these) Yes, I have done stupid things and put myself in danger in my stupid youth. And yes, I have paid the consequences, and was too afraid to seek help. This is what frustrated me so. You can't control what happens to you--you could be coming out of Chuck E Cheese and be attacked--but you can be cautious, and hope that you can be the other 2 women who aren't living with the aftermath of a sexual assault.
Heather
Is castration too harsh? (Score:1)
Doubt it would stop anyone from carrying out a rape. Remember, castration is removing the testicles, not the penis. And even if you did remove the penis, one could always use something else. Remember, rape is about PowerandCONTROL not getting off.
Be part of the solution. (Score:1)
One in six women raped or harassed befor high school ?!? Wow, i'm glad I don't live in the US...
Must disagree with stats (Score:1)
you may be leery of "absurd crime stats" but think about how many women you know have been raped. i only know 2 who havent. total. of every single woman i know/have known. how many do i know who have reported their rape? none.
how many of these women have been raped more than once? more than half.
how many times have i been raped? more than five.
how many times have i reported it? none.
arguing about the validity and reliability of these stats is not the point.
to serve the need of a lobbying group? stopping violence against more than half the population is a lobbying group? thats an interesting concept.
this is not a statistical issue. this is a day-to-day reality for *at least* one woman you know. if you think otherwise, then you haven't been listening.
*e.
sex is not life (Score:1)
To say that death is preferable to a life of pain is just stupid. Most of us live with pain every day, but not all of us are victims. Even rapists can be victims, does that mean they have a right to hurt others?
Spiritual dogma aside, you can recover from the trauma and shame of rape. You can rebuild your self-esteem and help others rebuild theirs. You can become stronger for having been harmed. It is hard to see how you can recover from murder.
Anybody who says death is better than life doesn't value life enough. But then again, most of them probably spend their entire lives avoiding pain, so what would they know about growing through it?
Where is the effort to reach out to the boy who has not yet raped? Shall we leave him to suffer alone? Perhaps it is too hard. Perhaps we should just punish and comfort. Righteousness takes much less effort than empathy. Punishment is a cheap alternative to justice.
Show me someone who wants to live, and I will show you someone who has already left behind the stigma of 'the victim'. Show me someone prepared to be hurt again, knowing better than most how much it can hurt, and I will show you the courage that idealogues will never know.
peace, love, unity, respect
thex
Real life (Score:2)
Its amazing hat people are so ignorant.
My current girlfriend and I live together...
we met on "The Internet". A co-worker of
mine met his wife "On the internet"
(amazingly on the same online service that
I met my girlfriend...tho 7 years
apart)
I have met a total of about 5 people "From the
net". Course one of them was scared of meeting
me...(for the reasons of this story above)
but things have always gone well.
The age old attitudes strike again... (Score:2)
It is amazing what people get away with
in our society.
Every day women are brutally raped yet...we
would rather expend money and respouces
on drug raids and "Consensual crimes" rather
than going after violent criminals.
Then we have the actual attitude towards rape.
We have the "but she was asking for it" group
who either don't believe her or just don't care.
Then we have people who cheapen the word
rape by applying it to consensual sex...
because they were drunk/stoned/whatever and
don't want to take responsibility for their
actions.
The whol eidea just makes me sick. But more so
that people use it to attack the "internet"
I mean, for every person who preys on
netizens...there are many more rapists out in
the real world who don't need to use a computer
to find their prey.
I think that it is time that we as a society stop
trying to blame the net and actually do something.
common sense (Score:4)
Not that I dont feel sympathy and compassion for the victims of such incidents, but realistically
a little common sense go's a long way, there are many guidelines for meeting people from the internet and unfortunatly, untill you actually meet that person, you'll never know if anything of what they've said is true, that being said
for those who will continue to find new friends online and meet them irl here are a few common sense things to take into consideration..
talk on the phone first, before meeting someone for the first time, hearing their voice will give you an indication of whether or not they are who/what they say they are ie a 40 year old claiming to be 18 etc
insist on a meeting in a public place, with your friends and their friends ie a coffee shop
make sure atleast several people online have given u "references" about the person..
yeah its being a bit paranoid, but hey, better to be paranoid, than a rape/kidnapping victim,
for complete lists of suggested idea's check a search engine for bdsm sites (yeah its off topic) but they usually have a faq about saftey for meeting someone for the first time.. its not totally relevant but alot of the concepts cross over, above all think with your brain, not your sexdrive
Mostly true, BUT... (Score:1)
Don't look so shocked. You knew this already.
Mostly true, BUT... (Score:1)
Show-off? Huh? I'm simply saying what everyone else already knows. It's relevant and on-topic; what's your gripe?
Some of us freaks could take offense. (Score:1)
--
We need a publicist (Score:1)
Back on the BBSes, I never saw the point of cybersex, and generally if I chatted, I'd chat with people I already knew in RL, or people I'd probably never meet.
Yep, with every medium there are new dangers, but these are still the same people. If Ann Landers warns all the moralistic people away from the Internet, then she might have a self-fulfilling prophecy on her hands. Not that I ever listened to her...
Let Brak do the credits!
The age old attitudes strike again... (Score:1)
I live in a relatively free and democratic society, if you don't want to be dominated, then stand up for yourself. If you never learned how, then I'm sorry.
Not everyone has good parents, or learns all the right lessons, but some of us learn how to think for ourselves, strive for what we want, and avoid the battles that don't need to be fought.
Personally, I'm an Atheist, because I never saw the point in religion. I'm not terribly aggressive because I don't see how that would get me what I want out of life. I don't personally understand rape because (a) I don't have relationships with people I don't love and (b) I'd never want to do that to someone I love. Make your own morals and live by them, because if you don't know what you want, you're already in trouble.
I share the wish for swift justice in cases where the brutality is obvious, but I can't blame society for everything. If you want to be treated like a person, act like one, and don't put up with people who can't do the same.
(In this case, sue the people who let their stereotypes get in the way of their job, and rely on support from whatever friends you have. Then try to put the past behind you. Sometimes good people end up in horrible situations, and it can take a long time to recover from them.)
internet communication (Score:1)
I wish she'd called his bluff (Score:1)
I'd give my left arm to see him produce a transcript of all her chat sessions on the net.
Of course, I understand fully why catching the cop in his lie wasn't at the forefront of her mind, but, God, he's done her an incredible disservice and should be held accountable for having done so.
To my sense of justice, he's almost an accessory after the fact. Harboring a fugitive...
Pisses me off.
Don Negro
Good Experience and Warning (Score:1)
I'm very sorry to hear of what happened to your friend. My heartfelt sympathies. I hope she gets that bastard - and the asshole cop/detective too. I would file a complaint against him, even.
Use common sense when meeting strangers - whether through the Internet or not - it really doesn't matter HOW you made initial contact - but rather in the first face-to-face meeting. For Gods sake, do it in a public place! Never invite someone to your house or even tell them where you live!
Uh, AOL? (Score:1)
We're All a Little Warped! (Score:1)
No Doubt! (Score:1)
BBSes... (Score:1)
Cops (Score:1)
Run, Rob! (Score:1)
Uh, AOL? (Score:1)
I never said I condoned it... Nor did I say that AOL was in relation to this story... ;>
Caution! (Score:1)
However, I suggest you have a parent, a friend or a taxi take you to and from said meeting place. Once you're in the car alone with him, you're at his mercy.
Find out what he's really like first, perhaps through a few dates. You'll know pretty quickly if he's a schmo or not.
EXCUSE Me? (Score:1)
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but who the hell are you to determine who/what is "normal" and what is not? It would seem that a rather large number of people here have met their SO online or at least the Internet had some hand in it.
I am no exception.
I am a whack job, but I love it.
There is no such thing as normal. Unless of course, you love statistics. Then there's an average. But not a normal.
Having been in the "dating game" as much as the next guy, I'd rather meet someone online than in a bar any day, thank you.
Uh, AOL? (Score:1)
Of course, I agree with you about the cop's statements "All this stuff is logged, and I have access to the logs!! And if I find out you even hugged him
I think the sooner we realize that cops are of no real benefit for protecting individuals and take it upon ourselves, the better. I, too, speak from experience.
OK...so... (Score:1)
Things are rather different for the rape victim.
Matthew.
Internet meetings (Score:2)
I've learned my lesson well. I now only meet groups of people with other groups of people that I already know. Gathers are relatively safe. Also if you're meeting a potential sexual partner, it may not be a bad idea to have a couple friends meet first with the new person. Sex on a first date generally isn't a good idea anyway.
internet communication (Score:1)
Rape is the most violent crime -- I don't think so (Score:1)
This is especially true when the rapist uses weapon in order to get the wictim to submiss. If
the wictim submisses, I think that it often means the the wictim would rather be raped that killed
or mutilated.
Rape is the most violent crime -- I don't think so (Score:1)
The majority of sex offenders repeat (Score:1)
And I thought that civilized world had left the notion of corporal punishment. But of course I forgot that it is still legal to spank children in USA -- so I shouldn't be so surprised that these kind of opinions are so common in USA. BTW - I am sure that be whackkin the arms of those who drive under the influence of alcohol, we could prevent many of repeated acts of driving under influence of alcohol.
Spoken like a true frat-boy. (Warning: GRAPHIC! ) (Score:1)
Rape > Death-by-Torture (Score:1)
Torture can take long time and include raping. And you can always kill yourself after the rape if you really feel that life after rape is not worth living. In fact -- in many muslim countries the relatives of raped girls do exactly that -- killing the victims of rape for the honour of the family.
So true... (Score:1)
Are we getting the full story? (Score:1)
Phone users aren't given a bad name by crank callers because crank callers have a different label. No one generalizes the actions of crank callers to the actions of the phone using population as a whole.
Not about the truth (Score:1)
trouble dating (Score:1)
I'm still trying to figure out how you get to know someone without spending time with them. I'm sure I'm coming across as bitter.
Not about the Internet (Score:1)
I think the cautionary aspect of the tale is not so much about rape (don't bring strangers home on the first date, duh). It's about nerds being a new minority for cops to abuse.
When dealing with cops, it's sometime best to follow the Church of The Subgenius motto:"Act like a Dumbshit and they'll treat you as an equal."
Alan Dershowitz Quote on Rape (Score:1)
Just as it is in a woman's interests not to put herself in situations where she can be rapes even though no on deserves to be raped, it is in a man's interest not to put himself in a situation where he will be falsely accused.
Alan Dershowitz Quote on Rape (Score:1)
I didn't think that you could be disbarred for sarcasm.
Protecting Yourself (Score:1)
It's not possible to avoid anything entirely, but you can reduce your chances.
How can you know whether someone is going to falsely accuse you of rape? Well, you could get to know them before you have sex. The poster who started this thread had sex with a girl who had a jealous boyfriend. Hmmm... emotionally dysfunctional and dishonest -- this is nature's way of saying "keep it in your pants."
The fact is, you can spot the crazy ones (usually). Trust your intuition, instincts, "gut feelings" or whatever. This "inner voice" has been brought to you by millions of years of evolution to alert you of danger that may not be obvious from first-order analysis.
Would you tell a woman not to put herself in a position where she will be falsely accused?
Of course, but women are rarely accused of rape at all, much less falsely. Ironically, the two women I know who were raped were actually raped by other women. It's actually worse for them, because people don't take their trauma as seriously.
No, don't be an idiot (Score:1)
Hey, how about forming a meaningful, trusting relationship over a period long enough to evaluate whether a woman's playing with a full deck? Can your microscopic brain grasp this concept?
I guess all of us should kill ourselves... espically us Christian/white/conservative/males. we cause all the pain in the world ya know.
I can't speak for the world, but your post has certainly caused me pain.
Must disagree with stats (Score:1)
If you read what you are disagreeing with, you'll find that the author of that said that 1 in 6 college students will be raped before graduation. The usual 1 in 3 statistic refers to people overall ... college students are younger on average than the general population and are therefore less likely to have been raped .... yet.
If you want to be less leary of the statistics, do some research for yourself. I agree that any number like this is subject to a variety of forms of statistical bias, but you will find, if you do the research, that 1 in 3 is about the right order of magnitude no matter how you define the problem.
It is also consistent with my personal experience.
Must disagree with stats (Score:1)
You are absolutely right that I misread
the quote. Thanks for pointing this out
to me.
Rereading it, I disbelieve 1-in-6, it is,
in my experience, way too low.
(I'll stick by my statement that comparing
the general population with the general
college population will give you vastly
different results, however, and that was
the point I was originally trying to make.)
Thanks!
-Joe
re: Sexual Predators (Score:1)
| check her mail without all of these messages
| popping up from strange guys asking
| her what she was up to. She was almost
| completely turned off to the internet from this
| experience.
This reminds me of what I went through as a freshman in college. Everybody was given a mainframe account - and among its uses were such niceties as email and (local) chat.
Unfortunately for me, the login ID I was given ( "charlet" ) could apparently be mistaken by freshmen in drunken stupors for a "female" ID. (stands for CHARLEs Taylor). Eventually, I just turned off the chat/messages features altogether and told my friends to just send e-mail.
I can imagine AOL being worse by about a factor of
How common is the sterotype? (Score:1)
This is the first time I've ever heard an something like what the police officer expressed. How many people really think this of us? Don't people realize that the people on the internet are the same people that exist everywhere else, but perhaps with animinity knocking down a few walls (Note to self: ask Rob to add a spell checker...).
I remember when one of my aunts first got on the internet. She enjoyed those chat rooms, using that Microsoft video chat I can't recall the name of at this moment. My cousin, who should have known better, told her to join the adult groups so as not to have 10 year olds constantly trying to talk to her.
When I next saw her, she asked if sex was all anybody on the net was interested in. Having been a frequent user of IRC and generally avoiding the sex groups, I was wondering why she was having such a hard time doing so. I wonder how many others make the same sort of mistake.
OK...so... (Score:1)
Trivializing murder is also an argument often used by death penalty supporters and it annoys the hell out of me. People seem to VASTLY underestimate the will to live.
For example, to take your scenario of torture and legs and arms being cut off, I would say that yes that would be much preferable to being killed.
Ever talked to a rape victim? (Score:1)
OK...so... (Score:1)
A rape victim's life may be very bad for some time after, or even for the rest of their life, but unless they prove it by commiting suicide, they'd rather live their life than be killed.
"No different than the real world..." HA! (Score:1)
Someone already touched upon the anonymity/masq effect of the text-based chat, and the effects of these things are profound. Road-rage springs out of a very similar thing, with our cars becoming our masqs, and every strange masq an enemy/victim until proven otherwise.
Quake Chat (Score:1)
Comments are usually brief, humorous and punctuated by rounds of heavy artillery. What more is there?
The few irc/chat rooms I've experienced are entertaining ONLY (to me) on the level of dismally entrancing spectacle, like a car accident. I get enuff of that here on Slashdot, so why bother?
This would not be news without the word internet.. (Score:1)
Let's find a good study one or the shows one way or the other whether there is a greater or lower occurrence of perverts, rapists, child molesters, with internet ties than without. I bet any difference would be statistically insignificant.
The study also should compensate for the differences between the people who are on the on the internet vs not. For example: the is a minimum affluence level for hte internet where the person has to at least be able to afford a computer and internet connection.
Age/consent issues (Score:1)
Personally, though, I think at age 14 it's pretty ridiculous to think someones parents would give consent.
leapfrog, the mediocre.
Some thoughts. (Score:1)
But capital punishment is a powerful deterrant. Don't you think that if that was the punishment for convicted murder that the amount of murders would drop?
</sarcasm>
Looked at the number of people sitting on death row lately...
Rapists and Murderers are {mostly} mentally ill. Maybe they need to be locked up *and* 'reprogrammed' for better interaction with society. But don't think that a 'big stick' deterrant will influence someone who is mentally unhinged already.
She should get a lawyer; this is depressing (Score:1)
It's just amazing to me the preconcieved notions the ignorant will carry around with them. It's depressing to know things will not get better, and we'll never have a completely computer-literate or even literate world. I'm sick of people, especially parents/breeders, looking for scapegoats (Internet, Judas Priest, Beavis and/or Butthead) instead of instilling responsibility in their offspring. I have no idea how old the victim is here, but the people of this town should demand an apology from the officer for the comments he made to her.
The Net and societal transitions (Score:3)
If I were to ever become the chat room type, I think I could keep myself limited to using it for informational purposes. That is, I see IRC and similar things as fine forums for collaboration, catching up with friends from far away, etc. I personally would never use it to try and meet others to establish relationships that would eventually result in a face-to-face meeting.
The whole idea makes me quite leery, actually. I understand that there are a lot of you out there who have "success" stories, and that it has turned out to be a good experience. That's great, and you are fortunate. But please, spare me the details...because I find personal anecdotes used as support of a view to be largely worthless and a very weak form of argument. Your personal experiences do not extrapolate to the whole situation. Until we see a substantive study by a research group of sociologists, psychologists, or whoever is qualified to do such a thing, we should really withhold judgment about this behavior. I cannot say it is better or worse than meeting people in real life, only that I have a gut feeling about it that I cannot ignore.
Several generations ago it was common for marriages to be arranged, and it still happens in some societies. Decisions were made for people based on socio-economic status and reputation, not on the chemistry two young people established. In these times we are used to the idea that in most cases, we need to get a complete picture of a person before we consider embarking on a serious relationship. Personality, looks, intelligence, habits--some or all of these are important to all of us. That was a major change in the way people met and decided to spend the rest of their lives with each other. What I wonder is what the growing number of people online will do to this process. I think we should all be patient with it and be extra careful until we have a sense of the wider implications and the trends.
internet communication - - all about image (Score:5)
Through many different ways I've met people from online games, IRC, etc and despite the fact that the conversations were purely ASCII, using all those characters like (* ! $ _ etc) help to emphasize sarcasm, humor, sadness, etc. And many times, you really can get a good idea whether or not the person you're speaking (typing) to on the other end is really who they say they are, or if they're just "blowing smoke up your ass".
For example, I'll describe to you someone who I've worked with a bit, and have known only via the web. He runs some websites, and I occasionally write small, custom Perl scripts for his sites. Now, when first meeting him I found that he was 15 years old. Okay, that's fine. I can respect anybody as long as they can be somewhat mature whilst conversing and avoid talking like a "warez d00d'. But then he goes on to tell all sorts of tall tales. They're not all impossible or unlikely, but take them all together and you see what I mean. A few of them are:
His dad makes $350,000 per year. (not hard to believe all by itself)
He makes literally thousands of dollars per month without hardly any effort because he runs all of his porn sites so well. (Wow, thousands? that's some site!)(
He expresses his concern about being able to pay me for my scripts (very inexpensive), yet says he's got this really expensive sports car. (strange finances, fast cars?)
Talks way too much about how many "girlfriends" he's got and how often he's "getting a piece". (*UGH* like I care or need to know)
And you get the idea. Why do people try so hard to impress others on the Internet? Or in any other way, for that matter? Shit, I've always been more impressed by a simple friendliness and honesty than tall tales of money & sex. If I find a person whom I can hold a "geek-ish" conversation with, that's enough for me. I'm not interested in their personal lives' details that supposedly describe how popular they are or how successful they are.
Give me some simple intelligent feedback amongst all the noise on the net. Then I'll be impressed.
Some thoughts. (Score:4)
I'm male and throughout high school, I never really understood Rape. I mean, I had gone for years believing that it was nothing more than someone who was sexually out of control. And I never understood why my female friends either avoided the subject like a I was screaming and dying from ebola or why they got extremely upset.
But luckily, I had a good many friends who took the time to explain a few things to me. For that, I am grateful.
It isn't the sex, it is the power and control. Power.. control. To control and manipulate another human being, to be able to use them as one pleased. To unleash the full of one's darker side onto another human being.
Why would people want to do that to another person? Why would ANYONE want to do that to another person? Why would you, do that?
I think alot of people avoid that line of thought. The consideration that they might have that kind of personality within themselves.
I mean.. your "basic rapist" is like anyone else. Nevermind the internet. But he or she can be anyone.. your next door neighbor, the teacher at your school, your old friend of years and years, parents, and even children.
What made them step over that line and continue doing what so many people consider to be so horribly bad?
I personally don't have an answer to that. And I don't think many people do either.
To the persons who think murder is worse than rape, I beg to disagree. I think Rape is worse. Rape has all the characteristics of murder, but the victom often survives at a cost. The friends and family are affect like in a murder, but must not only deal with their grief, but that of the victom's. A long path to healing takes place, one where the victom must work through the questions I asked above. The Why? Was it something I did? Why would someone do this to me? Why? Why?
I think it is very true though, when women say that men don't understand. Alot of men don't understand. Many do, but there are still so many who don't. And to be truthful, I don't feel that even understanding really stops rape. Rape happens because an individual, a human being, decided that they will do this for their own personal reasons. They are convinced in their mind that the person who will be the victom deserves what they will be getting.
I don't know.. the net isn't the problem, it has only dredged up into the open what has always been a problem. People will disagree, but that is their choice.
As for castration, castration does no good. Hormone treatment does no good. Rape IS about CONTROL and POWER. Just because you remove one tool, doesn't mean a person can't commit rape. Rape. To take from another human being what they have refused, what society has refused the rapist. No, removing an organ or dampening the effects of a hormone does little good.
A person can rape as effectively with their hand, a broom stick, a candle, a bottle, rope, whipes, whatever. Just as equally effective as with their own organs.
On the topic of men being raped by woman, another topic which my friends were kind enough to share their thoughts on. Because rape IS about control, it doesn't matter what gender the rapist is. Male, female, neutor, old or young. The point is to have power and control over another.
For a man, to be used and had in any way his captor would have him, it is in every way as demeaning, humiliating, and traumatising as it is for a woman. No more, no less. With one difference.
The support structure and the mental association is there for women. But for men, it is something which either is rare, or not available. There is no sanctuary for men.
And I highly doubt that traumatized women would enjoy sharing the facilities with traumatized men.
Maybe I'm in the wrong when I think that rapists should probably be dragged into the streets and shot. The media would like that. Sensationalism and a message to other would be rapists.
But that would be inhumane. I just wish the rapist had wondered whether it would be humane to rape his or her victom.
My two cents.
- Wing
- Reap the fires of the soul.
- Harvest the passion of life.
re: Sexual Predators (Score:2)
After this experience I have one piece of advice that I give women that are about to sign up with AOL or a similar service: Use a manly sounding nickname.
It was crazy... she couldn't even sign on to check her mail without all of these messages popping up from strange guys asking her what she was up to. She was almost completely turned off to the internet from this experience.
Needless to say, we canceled the account and I just let her run through my dedicated line. She may not have all of the fancy(?) features of an AOL, but she can check her e-mail and browse the net in peace.
Death by Torture: everybody's doing it, man. (Score:2)
Granted, torture is certainly a frightening concept, and a genuinely lousy way to die, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that rape is a tad more common than torture-to-the-death, neh? I don't remember seeing any statistics along the lines of "1 in 10 women are violently tortured to death." Arguing that rape is a "less violent crime" misses the point entirely. Rape happens, commonly, to a lot of people.
internet communication (Score:2)
I think the main reason is because you don't have the fear of being laughed at or made fun of if you say or do something stupid. I myself am very open when I'm online (if anyone doubts this, just look at my website [claws-and-paws.com] ;-), and have made friends from around the world, some of whom I've even been able to meet in person.
Sure, people get raped and such meeting someone whom they've met on the Internet, but it certainly happens in real life too, and I'll even go out on a limb and hypothosize that it happens more in RL than on the Internet since on the Internet, if someone has a hostile personality, you'll be able to see it right away and not even consider wanting to meet them.
In a nutshell, I think the advantages of meeting people on the net far outweigh the disadvantages.
Blaming the victim is nothing new (Score:2)
But the whole internet angle is only a new twist on a problem with a long history, which is that women who are raped cannot effectively press charges unless they are basically the purest most chaste thing on the planet. Any hint that a woman ever actually wanted sex in her life, and this is the way the whole damn justice system will treat her.
It is sad that these kinds of backwards attitudes are still around.
internet communication (Score:3)
but I'm curious to see why people are
so open on the net. I've seen others as
well as myself open up and talk about very
private things as well as curse out and
use language I never would in real life
to complete strangers. Is it that ASCII
text and animated chat room icons lets us
hide behind a false face: One we can draw
ourselves and discard at anytime.
I think so. I think that whenever talking
to someone who hides behind a cute nick and
quickly turns the conversation to an unusually
intimate level clearly indicates a possible
sexual preditor. Women need to watch out.
check references. use their skills: ping and
traceroute to see where they really are talking
from.
But this doesnt mean everyone is "out to get you".
Just use commen sense and caution.
my 2 cents.
-Z
The age old attitudes strike again... (Score:4)
So sorry to hear of your friend's experience. I hope she can learn to trust again someday.
Peace.
The fallacy of "consent" (Score:5)
It brings to light, however, a growing possibility that such Internet crimes might escape adequate prosecution, due to the detective's "logic". That is, the ludicrous proposition that a person who "hugs" someone virtually has opened the door for a claim of consensual sex.
Let's bring it closer to home. I'm a man. For a moment, let me pick a volunteer, another man; You, sir! Yes, you with the buzzcut and the goatee. Thanks for volunteering, pleased to meet you. There, we shook hands. We made contact, in fact, of a physical nature. I put out my hand, and he clearly consented to touch it. Now, on occasion, I hug other men, usually close friends and family, but I'll make an exception here for this fine fellow. There, he again consented. Does that mean I can now engage in anal sex with this man, whether he protests or not, at any point in the operation, based on his "consent" to the hug? Of course not! (Gee, look at 'im run...)
The point is, we have the ability to refuse to comply with any action at any time, whether we ever performed the action before or not, whether we planned to perform it or not. We are not required, nor should it be assumed we are willing, to engage in sex just because we once did. Kira489 probably did virtual-hug her rapist. She might have done alot more than that, virtually. She might have done more than that physically, and it means nothing! The second she said "Stop," and the assailant refused, it was rape. Period. Frankly, I say execute the rapist, but that's my opinion.
Back to the medium of the Internet. Folks, we can't say this enough: all those people who have been raped, robbed, beaten and killed by people they met online probably either never thought about the possibility, or simply figured that "it won't happen to me." Just like we all do. The fact that it can must weigh heavily in our decision to meet someone. I know it's titillating to chat with some people on the wire. I know several people who, in fact, invent elaborate personas to role play online, with unsuspecting people. Many of whom, I'm sure, are being just as fake as my friends. But when we take the chance of opening up to someone online, and exposing ourselves to a meeting in "meatspace", then all those defenses we have collapse: IP masqing, finger-deactivation... none of that works when the person is standing right in front of you.
Be not as these, I say. Think. Be a little paranoid. The cost of serious misjudgement of character is too high.
Ever talked to a rape victim? (Score:2)
To some people, murder is better because you don't have to deal with it. Read When Heaven and Earth Changed Places and tell me what you think. The author thinks she would have been better off dead. There is also some articles at Salon Magazine about it too. Rape stays with you for the rest of your life. When you are dead, you aren't thinking "Hey, why did this happen to me?" Have you ever talked to a rape victim? It is not pretty. A slow and painful death is worse than rape, but not a gunshot to the head.
Of course, never expierencing either makes me not the best person to judge.
s/Internet/Telephone/g; (Score:3)
...a little food for thought...
perl: s/Internet/Telephone/g;
Rape. It's a violent crime, arguably the most violent crime, even more savage than murder. The psychological repercussions are severe to the victim, causing even years of trauma. It's frighteningly common--and it's often associated
with the Telephone. We've all heard the story in which a fourteen year old girl living in Maine is given a plane ticket to Arizona by a forty-seven year old man claiming to be a eighteen year old boy in an America On-line chatroom. She accepts--heck, she's in love and her parents are a pain--and flies to meet him. Of course, upon seeing him, she knows he's not the eighteen year old stud she'd fantasized about, but being alone and lost in a foreign city leaves her with no obvious choice but to leave the airport with him. Of course, he takes her to the local motor lodge and rapes her.
Unfortunately, the media loves these stories, the more horrible the better. It's the media that establishes ideas in people, but I did not realize strength of the current attitudes about Telephone users until a friend of mine was raped by someone from the Big Bad Telephone. After the rape, which had taken place in her house, she went to her local hospital, where she was
tested for sexually transmitted diseases, and her physical wounds treated. The rapist remained in her house, and she was advised to call the police. The police escorted the rapist off her property, and persuaded her to press charges, claiming she had a rock solid case. To this, she consented.
Apparently, the detective in charge on her case didn't agree that the case was closed when he learned she had met the rapist on the Telephone. "They [Telephone users] are nothing but relentless sex addicts," he told her. "Furthermore, every conversation on the Telephone is logged. I can get access to these logs, and if I find that you ever hugged him on the Telephone,
I will show that this is not a matter of rape, but consentual sex." He proceeded to ask if she had met others from the Telephone, which she had. Upon finding out that she had met me on numerous occasions, and even had sex with me, the "slueth" felt satisfied he had proved his point, "No one on the Telephone ever wants to do anything but have sex."
Despite the fact that my friend was injured to the point that, according the documented hospital report, she had bruises and tears in her vagina, and the fact that people willingly having sex usually do not injure one another, the police threatened my friend with the possibility of putting her in jail if she was lying!
It is ludicrous to believe that all people associated with the Telephone are sex-crazed maniacs, or that meeting someone in real-life is recipe for disaster. I've met a great deal of people from the Telephone, for both personal and professional reasons, and I've yet to be raped. Yes, like a few of my real-life friends and relationships, I even slept with a few people I met from the Telephone. I even spent a week with one Telephone pal snowed-in together during the blizzard that hit the midwestern United States this past January.
Was I concerned about my safety at any of these times I met someone from the Telephone? No, I wasn't--no more than I would be meeting someone I didn't know very well in person for dinner and possibly spending the night together. I've never met someone from the Telephone expecting sex, and while I'm sure there are many that do, I would hazard a guess that the number that do is not any higher than people who know each other in real-life would in a similar situation (e.g.,
sharing a hotel room in a town).
I once met, with the permission of her mother, a girl in high school, since I happened to be traveling through her town and had some extra hours to spare for dinner. She later mentioned that a real-life friend of hers admonished her for meeting me, claiming she hardly knows me. Well, how much do two people know each other on a first date for coffee or dinner? Interestingly, the media refuses to acknowledge this similarity.
It's important to be careful when meeting someone from the Telephone--just as it's normal to be careful in any situation where you've not spent a large amount of time together in person. It's important to realize that a person's remarks and responses in a chatroom or a MUD may be contrived, no matter how fluent they seem to flow. Likewise, there are plenty of phony
men and women in every community, and you're just as likely to encounter them in real-life, rapists or not. Regardless, it is certainly not in the interests of society for those who enforce the law to ridicule rape, no matter the circumstances of how the involved individuals initially came in contact with each other. Rape is rape; it's a matter far too serious for qualification.
Common Sense and Consequences (Score:2)
This is an issue I have had to deal with for the last four years. It was then that I moved from BBSing to the 'Net and the gateways of meeting people online opened up. Since then, I have met...oh, quite a few...about 5 or so people that I met in chat rooms in Real Life. And, although she would kill me if she saw this, I met my fiance online as well. I'll get to why she'd kill me in a moment....
Fact is, though, we *do* make friends online. But, just like meeting friends at college, you have to be paranoid and cautious. Perhaps, more so. Most of all, use a bit of what we have in Common Sense. When I met my first person, I traveled to LA, so you can imagine that I was very cautious even though we talked on the phone quite often for several months. We met in a public place, with plenty of people, and talked before we ever left anywhere else together.
That set the pattern for all the rest of the meetings.
I did not have to read any "Rules of Meeting People In Real Life" before hand, I just used my head before I jumped the gun. In fact, I had never seen a list like that until *after* that first trip. I knew there were risks involved and I could forsee the consequences, so I took measures to prevent them. Nothing is perfect, however, but a good bit of precaution can go a long way.
And you might end up making a good Real Life friend out of it.
Now, on to my fiance. She is actually one of the first people I talked to in a "Internet" chat room and we became friends over time, even collabing on some stories. Over time, our friendship was more. Now, at that time, the idea of a 'Net relationship was not on my mind...the idea was kind of...well, silly. But, at the same time, I could not deny that I felt more than just friendship. Through our collabs and our long phone talks, we got to know each other pretty well. So, it was decided, that for once and for all, we'd have to meet face to face -- just to find out.
We met, I met her parents and family and we took things slowly. A step at a time, just to make sure we *knew* what we were doing and not making some huge mistake...possibly one that would ruin a good friendship. We knew that it would be risky, open to much criticism, but after that first week with her, I knew I did not want to be apart.
And, for the record, there has never been any sexual intercourse. She is a stick-by-her-guns kind of woman and she will not until marriage. Male as I am, this has frustrated me, but at the same time, boosted my pride in her.
That was back in '96. It's '99 now and our eventual marriage is just around the corner. Her parents approve of me -- and them being very traditional Chinese descent, I had a big mountain to climb there *wipes brow* -- and so does her extended family.
However, she *hates* to let people know how we met. She fears the stigma and heavy critisicm that 'Net relationships have. Hell, even I had some negative beliefs about such before hand. If someone asks about it, she will tell, but she will never volunteer. I, personally, think we are freaky and abnormal, because we have succeeded in building a loving relationship from what started, in the beginning, as a chat and e-mail. I would, however, not recommend it to people who do not have the patience for it.
One thing, though, that has helped us succeed: brutal honesty. And we know all about honesty on the 'Net now, don't we? Heh.
As with any community and culture, there are the bad elements who are self-centered, self-serving, and with no personal respect for others. At time, we are all guilty of this, but the majority are better people than that. The minority, those who lie, devise, and purposely cause harm for their own satisfaction are those to look out for. And, of course, they're now on the 'Net as well.
I'll never tell someone not to meet someone off the 'Net, but I will urge them to think carefully, ponder about the consequences, and not to take risky chances until you have gotten to spend more time with a person in real life in public.
As with all things we do, online and off, we have to use common sense and consequences to guide us.
Nothing else will suffice.
Be part of the solution. (Score:4)
and harassment victims, and spent a great deal of time pouring over Ohio laws and regulations on
this issue.
Rape is rape is rape. If she said "No," it doesn't matter if she pranced in front of him naked, drunk, high, and anything else. A hug in a chat-room means nothing; the cop was ignorant of the prevailing trends in dealing with issues of rape and harassment, and did more to promote the prevailing rape culture in dealing with this issue, not help fight it.
One in six women are raped or harassed before graduating from college. Its not a blown-out-of-proportion statistic; its a scary fact. Educate yourself on your state's laws, learn what resources there are available for victims of harassment and rape, and if you know someone who is treated this way, support them. Listen to them, make yourself available, and make sure the individual (male or female) understands that its _not their fault_.
Matt
show respect (Score:2)
Be weary in real life and on the Internet... (Score:4)
You should always meet people in a public place, and if possible bring a friend along. If the person you have gotten to know over the past days, weeks, months really does care about you and is your friend they will more than undersatnd these precauations.
If they are offended by your supposed lack of trust, then I'd say they are not worth your time anyway...
Be weary in real life and on the Internet... (Score:2)
How safe is safe enough? (Score:2)
- cab money, you don't want to be dependant on this guy for anything
- make sure your friends/family know where you are going and when you can be expected to be home
- if you are a drinker, stay sober
It looks like you've already crossed one of the lines that people here have been recommending against: meeting people for the first time with a group of trusted friends.
But be aware, that the odds are better than 90% that this guy is nice and you don't want to ruin a chance at a great relationship by treating him like Jack the Ripper. Just be aware and don't get into situations where you have absolutely no control.