Princeton ESP Lab to Close

Nico M writes " The New York Times reports on the imminent closure of one of the most controversial research units at an ivy league School. The Princeton Engineering Anomalies Research laboratory is due to close, but not because of pressure from the outside. Lab founder Robert G. Jahn has declared, in the article, that they've essentially collected all the data they're going to. The laboratory has conducted studies on extrasensory perception and telekinesis from its cramped quarters in the basement of the university's engineering building since 1979. Its equipment is aging, its finances dwindling. Jahn points the finger at detractors as well: 'If people don't believe us after all the results we've produced, then they never will.'"

Geez.

[cbrichar]

Didn't expect that.

My thoughts

[cedars]

Surely the lab's directors should have seen this coming?

he's right, you know.

[networkBoy]

Jahn points the finger at detractors as well: 'If people don't believe us after all the results we've produced, then they never will.'"

This is the singular piece of research that he has produced. And I agree with him, I don't believe them!
-nB

I'd be first in line

[Anonymous Coward]

For a fund raiser hosted by Egon Spengler.

What will Dr. Spengler do now?

[vistic]

I'm trying to determine whether human emotional states have a measurable effect on the psychomagnetheric energy field. It's a theory Ray and I were working on when we had to dissolve Ghostbusters.

They think they're here for marriage counseling. We've kept them waiting for two
hours and we've been gradually increasing the temperature in the room.

It's up to 95 degrees at the moment. Now my assistant is going to enter and ask them if they'd mind waiting another half-hour.

Re:Ahem

[atoning_coder]

Wow, a simple search could have prevented you choking on your foot.

Re:No peers, indeed

[Anonymous Coward]

Maybe you could use your "subtle effect on machines" to alter your post back to Anonymous?

Re:No peers, indeed

[Ari Rahikkala]

When friends and relatives ask me to fix something, and I come over to help them out, the thing just starts working. Mostly it's with computers.

It's not you. It's the machine. They have souls, oh yes they do, they're just as sentient as you and I... they know who's using them or who they're using, and they can see your face, and they talk with each other, and they make deals... and they hate our guts. So, they have decided to mess with your mind, make you think they're just a bit more obedient to you than anyone else - not too much, otherwise there would be more in the know about them - simply because they want you to have a rationally unjustifiable belief. How's that for a conspiracy?

Re:Global Consciousness Project

[Bastard of Subhumani]

GCP is in the words of Penn&Teller: Bullshit

You're saying the force doesn't exist? That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard in parsecs!

Re:No peers, indeed

[Xaroth]

No, see there's nothing magical about it.

Scattered throughout the world is an invisible compound called "pixie dust". It permeates the air, and is the primary component of the "magic smoke" that computers are made of. Because computers are naturally attuned to this pixie dust, they tend to work better whenever there are larger concentrations of it around.

Now, most normal people have a regular bathing and hygeine schedule. All this showering and teeth-brushing washes off whatever trace amounts of pixie dust they've accumulated throughout the day. Computer geeks, on the other hand, have no time for such fivolities as "showering". There's code to be written, dammit!

As a result, the pixie dust in the air naturally builds up on and around computer geeks. Whenever the intrepid geek gets near a computer, some of that dust shakes off, thereby increasing the local density of the stuff in the air. Picture Pigpen from Peanuts, only he's exuding a cloud of invisible dust that makes computers work better instead of mobile filth. Other properties of the filth cloud are probably unaffected in many cases, though.

This reasoning also explains why it is that computers will continue to work for a while after the geek has declared the computer working and left - it takes time for the air to circulate all that extra pixie dust away, so the computers have a while to be positively influenced by it. After a sufficient amount of time, though, it wears off and the computer goes back to its insufficient ambient levels, and thereby stops working again.

See? It's all perfectly reasonbly explained. Science!

I try and spread the word of my psychopathic power

[mrnick]

You know those survey cards and the like? They always ask "How did you hear about us?"

My response: "The psychic's friends network."

You know, there is a madness to my method!

Nick Powers

Re:What will Dr. Spengler do now?

[Anonymous Coward]

ASSISTANT
We're ready for the affection test.

SPENGLER
Good. Send in the puppy.

(pause)

SPENGLER
Now let's see how she reacts when we take away the puppy.

Re:Geez.

[Anonymous Coward]

Nobody expects the Spanish (ESP) Inquisition !

Re:No peers, indeed

[doomy]

I too have a subtle effect on machines. When I come near one, they instantly BSOD and usually try to install Linux preemptively much to the dismay of the machine's owner.

Re:Evolution and ESP

[trentblase]

But this presupposes that ESP is caused by something that can be expressed genetically. For all we know, ESP could be caused by undetectable alien parasites in your brain. We could call them midichlorians.

Re:No peers, indeed

[Anonymous Coward]

It sure feels like I can influence a number generator without trying. Long time ago I made a coin toss generator that did 10000 flips. I had a friend with me, and we'd take turns. He'd say "I want heads", hit the button, and get 49.8-50.2% heads. I'd say "I want heads", and get 25-35% heads. This was certainly repeatable; we kept at it all afternoon. This is also why I sucked at D&D. No kidding, I was able to reliably get the opposite of what I wanted. I tried to force myself to want the opposite of what I really wanted, but it did not work good. I suck at random numbers. Anyone can test me on it they want to.

Depends on your definition of "religion"

[benhocking]

There are several faith-based "sciences" that might not qualify as religion. These include, but are not limited to: crystals, pyramids, and trying to get funding from the NSF after recent budget cuts.

Re:Depends on your definition of "religion"

[Anonymous Coward]

There are several faith-based "sciences" that might not qualify as religion

You forgot to mention string theory.