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Smart Mattress With Lover Detection System Will Track Your Partner's Infidelities (hothardware.com) 161

MojoKid quotes a report from HotHardware: Do you worry that your significant other is having mid-day romps in your bedroom while you're stuck at work banging out TPS reports? There's an app for that, and a smart mattress with built-in sensors to detect when between-the-sheet activities are taking place, with or without your participation. It's part of what a mattress company in Spain is calling its "lover detection system." You can't make this stuff up. Or maybe you can. You might seriously question whether or not the so-called Smarttress from Durmet is a real thing or an attempt at a viral marketing stunt. By all accounts, it certainly looks real. There are two dozen ultrasonic sensors embedded in the springs of the mattress. These tell-all sensors detect the speed and intensity of motion, how long the mattress has been active, and the history of encounters. That data is used to create a 3D map in real time, which you can view on your mobile device with an app for either iOS or Android devices.
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Smart Mattress With Lover Detection System Will Track Your Partner's Infidelities

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  • by Anonymous Coward
    Just Plain Creepy!
    • Re:Creepy (Score:5, Funny)

      by Tablizer ( 95088 ) on Monday April 18, 2016 @08:22PM (#51936461) Journal

      Capitalism has officially jumped the shark.

      • by Anonymous Coward

        Feel free to get the fuck out.

      • Capitalism has officially jumped the shark.

        And the shark is wondering if Capitalism has jumped his wife.

    • I'm glad this tech wasn't around in my younger days.

    • The Truth Is Out There!!!

      What they should be focusing on is having the sensors detect your technique and the app can teach you better moves.

    • by Chas ( 5144 )

      Agreed. Creepy as hell.

      Seriously. Who ACTUALLY thinks this shit up.

      And who do they REALLY expect to implement it in their products?

      And what kind of of market do they expect to sell to?

  • by Anonymous Coward

    Are there hordes of geeks wondering if the right hand knows what the left hand is doing behind its back?

  • by Anonymous Coward

    Thai chick with a dick
    Hard truth known, couldn't resist
    Loved those bolt on tits

  • by Anonymous Coward

    Harder to detect as any "lover" can get around this by sleeping on the couch.

    This is one of the dumbest products I have ever heard of, assuming it is only used to catch lovers gone astray.

  • by mark-t ( 151149 ) <markt@@@nerdflat...com> on Monday April 18, 2016 @08:26PM (#51936479) Journal
    It's obvious to me that any one that would even consider this is already too far gone in how far they trust their significant other to remain a viable married couple.
    • Because, with a certainty on the order of a pimple for the prom, it's likely not safe for you to eat at the kitchen table any longer, then is it?
      • Back in college, I was a member of a club whose purpose was to throw tons of parties. (I didn't actually like going to parties, but I was purposefully trying to push myself out of my comfort zone.) Our office was always a mess. Except sometimes the table was clean. On one of my first days there I was warned that you do NOT want to eat off the table if it was clean. (They also told us that the broken couch had tons of stories to tell - and they mentioned this while we were sitting on said couch.)

        • I have heard of a woman who would cheat on her husband, but never in their marital bed...

          sort of an honor among cheats if you will.

    • This wouldn't be for a married couple but rather for a more casual relationship. Why? Because your spouse is going to want to know the mattress suddenly got replaced.
    • It's for proving infidelity in a divorce scenario. This sort of thing can get a man off the hook for massive damage to his wealth and is worth any purchase price.
      • by mark-t ( 151149 )
        Why should you need to prove infidelity to get a divorce? If one partner doesn't trust the other, the relationship is already done. Just sign the papers and make it official.
    • Well, some people are just plain paranoid.
    • It's obvious to me that any one that would even consider this is already too far gone in how far they trust their significant other to remain a viable married couple.

      Another thing that is perhaps slightly less obvious is that being suspicious about your partner's trustworthyness most often comes from a lack of confidence in oneself. People tend to trust others and put more weight on facts, if they trust themselves.

    • by tloh ( 451585 )

      Not for the wife. For keeping tabs on the daughter.

  • And just who is "TPS reports" ?
    • Tiffany Panting Sancroft Reports... she is a slut.
    • Alright so when the sub routine compounds the interest is uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we rounded them all down, drop the remainder into an account we opened.

  • I am confused, because my watch says that it is the 18th.

  • by Nutria ( 679911 ) on Monday April 18, 2016 @08:27PM (#51936489)

    How would you replace the old mattress with this new one without your wife knowing (and thus moving her trysts)?

    • You wouldn't; this is clearly to catch your girlfriend (though I doubt the manufacturer thought that through).
    • "Darling, I won this new mattress in a raffle, I'm so excited, I never win anything! It is finally my turn to win something. I hope it is comfortable. They're going to deliver it next week."

      Seriously, that isn't hard. Anybody would need to think about buying this thing is already a practiced liar. Why else would they be suspicious enough to start an investigation when there is no cause? And if there already is cause, that is its own problem that has to be dealt with; this only even has a small chance of suc

      • by Nutria ( 679911 )

        I hope it is comfortable

        That's why no one raffles mattresses.

        Anybody would need to think about buying this thing is already a practiced liar.

        Conclusion does not follow from premise. (Honest guy could be dating dishonest woman.)

        • I hope it is comfortable

          That's why no one raffles mattresses.

          You're going to find it exceptionally hard to defend statements like "nobody..."
          You've obviously never been to an event at a convention center where mattresses are being sold. I mean, fuck-an-a, if you've never been in a place where that would be topical for a raffle, then you'd have never seen one, but why would that cause you to believe it doesn't exist? You'd have to actually spend a bunch of time at mattress-related events to even have a basis for believing it uncommon. A mattress salesperson who is the

  • by ToughRat ( 186516 ) on Monday April 18, 2016 @08:27PM (#51936493)

    "...But there's gonna be a meter on your bed
    That will disclose
    What everybody knows " L. Cohen, "Everybody Knows"

  • by infinite9 ( 319274 ) on Monday April 18, 2016 @08:29PM (#51936497)

    "Honestly, honey, the kids were jumping on the bed."

  • It seems like if you are resorting to something like this, you obviously do not trust your significant other. If there isn't trust, the relationship probably shouldn't (continue to) exist.
  • As long as it doesn't track mine..
  • by PPH ( 736903 ) on Monday April 18, 2016 @08:34PM (#51936539)

    Mod the box spring coils to harvest energy. Get a tax credit from the gov't. Wife thinks she's getting away with something by having lovers over. Laugh quietly to myself as I get paid.

    • So you are craving about tax credit on energy? I think there is a better way to deal with taxes, so that everyone wins, guaranteed.

      A meter on vagina, somewhat similar to the odometer, needs to be installed. There is a plan to tax cars per mile traveled. Beer and wine are taxed with the sin tax. There is no reason not to install a mater on vagina based on the movement. A very fair tax. Transparent and democratic.

      1. Government gets much needed revenue. On Sundays, for example, meter would not be working, just

    • Mod the box spring coils to harvest energy. Get a tax credit from the gov't. Wife thinks she's getting away with something by having lovers over. Laugh quietly to myself as I get paid.

      I feel a new fetish being born. But how do you represent it visually in porn? Do you have to put quick shots of electric meter running backwards between money shots?

  • cheap motion activated mini camera hidden in a clock or other suitable spot. Ebay has them for US$10-20. Video quality may not be that great but it would be good enough for the task.
    • Awhile back, someone installed some sensors on his friend's bed after the friend was married. The sensors detected "movement," measured the length and intensity of said movement and then automatically tweeted about it. At no point was the friend or his bride a) notified or b) identified. This went on for awhile until the guy started realizing that eventually his friend would find out and likely wouldn't take kindly to it. He shut down the twitter account. I'm not sure if he was able to remove the sensors

    • by jrumney ( 197329 )
      A hidden webcam also has the benefit of providing useful footage to aid your masturbation sessions after the divorce.
  • Sleep tracking? (Score:5, Insightful)

    by edjs ( 1043612 ) on Monday April 18, 2016 @08:38PM (#51936557)

    I wonder is this was originally developed for sleep tracking (monitoring the length and quality of your sleep), and they've just hit upon a more exciting marketing strategy.

  • by frovingslosh ( 582462 ) on Monday April 18, 2016 @08:42PM (#51936577)
    Good luck explaining to your wife why there is an Ethernet cable running to the mattress, or (even if it's wifi) why there is a power cord running to the mattress and one of the devices on the home network is called "mattress". Planning for infidelity can be self-fulfilling.
    • ...there is a power cord running to the mattress...

      I'm intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

    • It would work better as a heated mattress pad, if the sensors could be embedded in the pad. Easy explanation for the cord. It's also easier to explain installing a new mattress pad than a new mattress.

  • Then you have serious issues with either your relationship with your lover, trust, or both.

  • If I hadn't seen a similar link in Hackaday [hackaday.com] yesterday, I might be more receptive to this product.

    To quote Peter Gabriel, "I'll tell you straight in the eye, D.I.Y."

  • Just get her a taser buttplug that goes off any time it recognizes a male voice.
  • by Anonymous Coward

    They will be tracking you one day, collecting data on everything you do, and probably collecting vitals. Unfortunately, now is the time to enact privacy laws, but you will continue to loose the battle on a daily basis. It's a good thing that you were able to post your dog farting on facebook though.

  • It is about an English versus Japanese clash of words:

    A husband comes home and finds his wife making love with an asian.

    The man shouts: "get down from her and 'go'!"

    The Asian replies: "just a second I'm just about going!"

  • In the age of fitbit, a mattress measuring "pounds per minute" is surely much more useful for sex optimization than detecting something so mundane as cheating.

    That's how I'd market it anyway, and let people infer they could ALSO use it for monitoring if they really wanted to...

  • Because you can't have sex on the sofa, on the floor - right next to the bed - or in the shower ...
    • Because you can't have sex on the sofa, on the floor - right next to the bed - or in the shower ...

      Nonsense! My sofa isn't on the floor right next to the bed!

  • People wealthy enough to buy this generally spend a lot of money on getting a mattress that ideally matches their personal comfort interests. This Spanish company ought to be selling refits to existing mattress systems. That wire frame photo on the smartress site doesn't look like my favorite pocket coils.
  • Don't they say that "a mistress is something between a mister and a mattress"? ;)

  • by Tom ( 822 )

    Obvious stunt. If you are jealous enough to consider this, you definitely do not want to see what's going on in detail. A simple yes/no would be more than enough.

  • Coming soon: The smart kitchen table.

  • Observing is easy. Observing without being observed is the hard part.

    This is dumb. You don't even need a camera. Get something that records sound.

  • Just goes to show where Slashdot has gone. In the days where it still sported the logo "News for Nerds, Stuff that Matters" slashdotters would be quick to point out that this is neither news for nerds nor stuff that mattered.

    I mean, what is a "significant other"? And what would such an object do in the mom's basement bedroom while you were at work?

  • Many people in Spain are now noticing their dinner tables have an odd mess on them.

  • Because nothing says 'I trust you darling' like a mattress which informs you if they're having sex on it behind your back. I mean, seriously, if she knows (and do the gender swap in your head if you need to), what's wrong with getting banged on the sofa, or up the stairs, or over the kitchen worktop?

  • If people can catch cheating partners we may need to develop the automatic, instant, violence response, device that cleans up the blood and mess when the partner returns home. Or maybe we could create a device that has automated, divorce, attorney, notifications.
  • This is a solution looking for a problem. A motion sensing camera would be a less expensive solution, and also capture anything happening in the room...it's not always done on the mattress, go figure. The mattress also isn't going to give you a clue as to who's ass you need to kick.

    • This is a solution looking for a problem. A motion sensing camera would be a less expensive solution, and also capture anything happening in the room...it's not always done on the mattress, go figure. The mattress also isn't going to give you a clue as to who's ass you need to kick.

      Turns out it's the maid and the gardener.

      • by dcw3 ( 649211 )

        This is a solution looking for a problem. A motion sensing camera would be a less expensive solution, and also capture anything happening in the room...it's not always done on the mattress, go figure. The mattress also isn't going to give you a clue as to who's ass you need to kick.

        Turns out it's the maid and the gardener.

        But, did they do it on the mattress, or in the library. Sorry, I don't have a Clue.

  • I'm doing data analytics on disappointment.

  • It's clearly intended as an automatic checkout for a brothel. Just leave your credit card on file.

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